No Headlights in Paradise
by Danielle218
Summary: Timing wasn't right. Love decided they didn't belong. Memories are magic. So they slipped. Into a dark paradise... Follow the story of James & Lily through Hogwarts to the Order of Phoenix where time is their looming adversary.
1. Timing Wasn't Right

No Headlights in Paradise

Chapter One – Timing Wasn't Right

Song Choice: One Last Night by Vaults

* * *

The final lesson of Seventh Year seemed to drag as Professor Flitwick repeated what Professor Slughorn, McGonagall, Kendall and Sprout has said before him: NEWTs were here, they were now and everyone should being studying extra hard and diligently because they were hard. That's why Lily couldn't explain to herself why she was staring at the back of James Potter's head, drooling a bit on her side.

"Can you stop staring at James for a second?" Marlene quipped as Lily whipped around, staring at her roommate with feigned denial.

"I wasn't!" And if she was honest with herself, she hadn't been staring so much as trying to get a whiff of his hair…

Marlene rolled her eyes, pitying Lily for denying herself something she so fundamentally wanted. The way she hung around James (and no doubt how James hung around her) it was like she was a dog in heat hanging onto every syllable coming out of his mouth wonderstruck.

"You should ask him out before NEWTs so you don't combust," Marlene suggested, hiding her grin as Lily shot her daggers.

"First of all, I'm not asking James Potter out! I don't have time for that. Haven't you been paying attention?" Lily said knocking her friend lightly on the head. "NEWTs are here and they aren't slowing down. And second, be quiet," Lily said in hushed undertones as she observed her empty scroll while ignoring the back of James' head that smelled like a woodshed remains from his Quidditch practice this morning.

Marlene shook her head and might have agreed that taking NEWTs were more important than focusing on Lily's none existent love life. But the fact of the matter remained that NEWTs were two and a half weeks away, and anyways anyone who was anyone were really focused on the Quidditch house cup tomorrow morning: Gryffindor vs. Ravenclaw. The excitement was palpable as banners hung in the hallways depicting the soaring eagle or roaring lion, spirit days taking hold of the castle as people wore House colors and good-natured pranking occurred from both sides that included rocket launchers in rival houses, or sending stink bombs into their common rooms.

It was all in good fun really, much more manageable than Gryffindor vs. Slytherin that was the game beforehand. In not so many words, that had been a death trap with hexes and jinxes flying everywhere, people ending up in the hospital wing missing all their teeth, laying in a daze in the middle of the Grounds naked. The teachers had been quite happy when that fuss had concluded.

"Did you catch that, Lil-" but Marlene exhaled as she saw Lily staring again at the back of Potter's head. It wasn't so much a shock as she had been doing it constantly the entire school year. It had begun with what Marlene dubbed 'the Snape episode' that found Lily and James screeching at each other on the last day of Fifth Year.

The fight had been supremely uncomfortable to witness as it had occurred in the middle of the common room entailing every single Gryffindor watched (and would later share all the dirty tidbits to the other houses). James, at the time, had just hexed a third year for sitting in his "seat." Lily stormed over, wand pointing at James and uttered Levicorpus. The crowd gasped and erupted into laughter as James hung upside down, his face turning into a tomato.

"EVANS, let me down!" he roared as Sirius made to release him but Lily had shot an Expelliarmus, catching his wand in the air before turning to face James again.

"How do you that like?" Lily challenged. "Being hung up for no other good reason than because I _felt like it_?"

"Evans, let me down or else!" James roared again in frustration, struggling against the invisible restraints as a few Third Year girls giggled in a comer.

"Or else what? You'll hex me like every other innocent person? Listen here, Potter," Lily said as she flicked her wand causing James to face plant with a thud onto the floor face. "You are good for nothing, arrogant bully that goes around demanding attention for no valid reason expect because you think you are good looking and smart."

James slowly got up and glared at her fiercely. "At least I'm not a stuck up _priss_ that demands attention by fluffing her hair, being a tease in order to get what she wants and be a goddamn know it all. And you know what? At least I am good looking and smart."

Lily's eyes had gone impossibly wide before she jinxed him. Boils sprouted onto James' chin as he yelped before pointing his wand in turn causing Lily's hair to stand up straight like a cone and turn into a shade of magenta.

The common room, meanwhile, stared scandalized as the two, well liked, fun and kind Gryffindor's threw juvenile curse after juvenile curse at each other that left the room looking like an array of fireworks had exploded.

Sirius, after Remus shoved him forward, caught James in a tight grip. "Lay off, yeah," Sirius muttered to a heaving James. James tried to shove him off but Sirius kept a firm grip.

Lily's wand hand was shaking as she continued pointing it at snarling James. The two looked as if they had emerged from an underground, dirty tunnel and were spray painted with the colors of the rainbow. It might have been amusing if Lily's eyes weren't wet and James wasn't shaking uncontrollably.

"You are the worst scum, Potter," Lily whispered.

"At least I'll never wake up and have to be you," James snapped, finally pulling away from Sirius and moving forward to stand right in front of her. "All I ever did was fancy you. And now you stand there like you are the victim. Go to hell, Evans."

"Fancy me? You never fancied me, you just saw me as another challenge to brag to your groupies. Making spectacles just to get attention like always."

"You're delusional," James barked.

"You only paid attention to me because of Severus," Lily expressed as she stepped forward, her wand pushing into James shirt causing a small burn to form. "You hated him and couldn't wrap you're small witted brain how a Gryffindor and Slytherin could be friends so you chased me to make me feel stupid and make him angry. You never fancied me! But, alas, you got your wish, are you happy? Me and Severus aren't friends anymore, mission accomplished!"

The outburst was unexpected as everyone watched James take a step back. "Whatever, Evans. You win, is that what you want to here?"

"It's not a competition for me, Potter. But with you I'm always right."

James scoffed and gave a heartless laugh. "At least I can never say I was willingly 'best friend's' with a _Death Eater_. So yeah, whatever, at least I can brag about not being a total idiot."

The tears that had previously threatened to spill fell, and when they did James looked above her. "You're are the worst, James."

James eyes snapped back to hers. Her eyes bleak as comprehended that Lily had uttered 'James' for the very first time since First Year. This is how she saw him, and she could say whatever she wanted but he did, in fact, fancy her. And this was how he treated her? Her wand was quivering in her hand and he was staring at her appalled, engulfed in his own self-loathing as James rolled over their very public spat.

He twisted his hand through his hair and sighed heavily. But even though he felt the entire room ogling at them, it felt like it was only the two of them. He heaved in relief as she lowered her wand and stared brokenly back at him. He turned away, ignoring her as he climbed the stairs to his dormitory.

The train ride home had been a wreck. Lily had accidentally slammed into James on the way to the restroom. The words seemed to be stuck in her throat as their eyes locked eyes with uncertainty and regret etched into their movements. It seemed, they silently and mutually agreed, ignoring each other was the best solution.

With the start of Sixth Year, Lily and James had kept up with their silent agreement and barely vocalized two words to each other. Lily had come to deeply regret the fight that had occurred. She been extremely embarrassed from her actions, and found it was simpler to study in her dormitory because being surrounded by the tangible tension in the common room when James or his friends were there was constraining.

James had become solemnly quiet. He focused on studying for NEWTs to gain acceptance into the Auror Academy and preparing his Quidditch team. The fight had been an extremely low point considering he viewed himself as a generally 'good guy'. The words he had thrown at Lily plus their fight after the Defense OWL and that night caused him to reevaluate.

Marlene hadn't been paying much attention but one day she had been studying in the far corner of the library when she had stumbled upon Lily and James sharing a table. They weren't speaking, in fact it seemed as if they weren't even acknowledging each other as both their noses were buried deep into their respective books. But every day when Marlene passed the library she would see Lily and James sitting at the same table, studying or even occasionally sharing a book with no talking, no acknowledgment. And surely enough, one day James asked for Quill, Lily asked for the time.

It appeared the anger mended, a silent apology, and Lily and James became inseparable in their silence. They would walk to class silently, eat breakfast silently, while sharing the Post silently. To anyone who saw Lily and James walking in between classes it appeared they had gone from adversaries to being the closest of friends. But it had been silent, gradual struggles for the two too reach the amicable silence they had achieved.

For Lily, it was facing James several months after their fight in the Potions section of the library. Potions had once been the subject she most looked forward to because of Severus. She had felt trigger happy and popular from the constant compliantly remarks from Professor Slughorn through Severus' assistance. Her and Severus would also talk non-stop during class about newest spells, shortcuts in Potions and other lessons. Therefore, facing James Potter in the Potions stack that housed her happiest memories from that friendship forced her to acknowledge that the only person who uprooted her happy memories with Severus was Severus. Blaming James was rudely unfair.

Because if Lily thought about it honestly she had always known that James and his friends were only out for a laugh. Severus, and his Dark Magic, was aimed to hurt people of her own heritage. The Marauders couldn't ruin something that Severus had shattered himself when he had called her a Mudblood.

So, in a quiet peace offering, Lily smiled a bit awkwardly as she handed him him the book she had been sure he was sought. When he took the book from her hand, his stare very confused, she shrugged her shoulders to downplay their obvious discomfort and followed him back to his table so they could read the book together.

But James had been extremely baffled at this change of demeanor but decided to run with it because angry Lily, mean Lily, calm Lily it all meant that Lily was acknowledging his presence. Anyways, for James, his epiphany occurred midway through summer holiday. Thinking of the manner in which he treated Lily, a girl he claimed to fancy, haunted him. After countless broods on his tire swing, and after an extended dizzying period, he figured that his bullying actions didn't make him any less different than Snape calling Lily a Mudblood. It was only through this that he could change, because change, as his father steadily put, only came when the person effectively acted upon it. And he couldn't be better for his parents, his friends, or Lily: only for himself.

With Lily's realization and James's epiphany, Seventh Year brought the Marauders and the Gryffindor girls merged into one trendy clique. As the year progressed, James and Lily found themselves spending an unprecedented amount of time together through their duties of Head Boy and Girl. The atmosphere between the two seemed heightened with nervous energy, especially for those who spent more than five minutes with them.

"Kiss already!" Marlene exclaimed as she shook Lily's shoulders who just laughed wearily.

With true motive to spend time with each other, the two became intense friends. It became a Monday and Friday reoccurrence for them to share patrols in the evening hours. Everyday before dinner the two would sit in the library studying and assisting each other through difficult subjects as they were taking 7 NEWTs. It was youthful and giddy excitement, as they would sit shoulders touching in the common room playing Exploding Snap.

It was obvious to everyone around James that even though he had found Lily attractive before, as he spent more time in her presence his crush turned into enchantment. Walking down the halls he would grasp every word she said, listen intensely as she explained her opinions to him, smile dazedly at her in class. And everyday it only increased to the point that just touching her hand gave him electric currents.

Lily, who hadn't been as enamored with James for as long, was treading on a deep uncertainty. There was no denying she felt more than friendship for James. But the feeling was confusing considering she had never had a boyfriend, kissed a boy or even had a real crush on someone who wasn't a celebrity. And whenever he was around, she found herself drowning in his hazel eyes, watching his lips move and daydreaming what it would feel like to have them all over her body. It would be at this point where Lily would mentally shake her head and remind herself that James probably didn't want to go out with an inexperienced prat. But that didn't stop her from spending each day with him. Maybe her fear was just an old record on repeat because she was certain that he stared at her the same way she found herself staring at him most days.

Lily snapped out of her daze when Marlene pushed her, registering that class was over and she hadn't taken down one note. She groaned before Marlene knowingly passed over her own.

"Thanks. I'll uh see you later," Lily uttered as she un-hurryingly put her notes into her book bag and picked up her books and glanced over at James who was repeating her slow tactics. But Marlene hadn't even bothered waiting because Lily and James always lingered at the end of classes waiting for each other pretending they weren't.

Lily smiled shyly at James as he strolled over, his book bag slung casually over his shoulder.

"Hey, Evans," James grinned as he flicked her nose.

Lily stuck out her tongue causing James to smirk smoothly down at her that caused her stomach to rupture with excitement.

"Hey, Potter," Lily said playfully.

"Carry your books?" he offered, taking them without preamble. Lily had to swallow as she felt his fingertips graze against hers.

She followed him out of the empty classroom, grinning when she felt him put an arm around her shoulders. They walked slowly towards the common room, Lily's favorite walk because it was the longest one.

"So, Quidditch game tomorrow," she asked conversationally. "Am I going to be strolling with a champion tomorrow?"

"Well, considering we are going to slaughter them tomorrow… I'm thinking yes."

"Humble," Lily said dryly as James laughed.

"What can I say, when you've got the skills I've got…"

Lily chuckled as she wrapped an arm around his waist, squeezing his hip that caused James to bring her body closer to his warm, solid one. She swallowed again.

"Do you have practice again?"

"Nah, figured I would give the guys a rest before tomorrow… Which you'll be front and center for?" James inquired offhandedly.

Lily stopped, turning to face him completely causing their eyes to meet and both her hands touching his waist. She shuddered as his hands traced down her hips to wrap around her waist.

"Of course I'll be there, James. Why wouldn't I be?" she said quietly, a warm sensation heating through her body.

"You haven't always gone to Quidditch games," and Lily saw the ounce of insecurity trying to hide behind casualness.

"Haven't missed a game this year, have I?" she murmured, tracing the lines of his robes as she moved them up and down, settling once more against his waist.

"You haven't. What changed?" as he paralleled her movements as his body moved closer to hers, his lips inches from hers, as his hands moved further up her waist as his thumbs stroked at her ribs. Her heart bellowed as their foreheads touched and the warm sensation circled to her lower stomach.

"You're my best friend, how could I miss them."

James hands stilled immediately, gripping her firmly as his eyes darkened. "Best friend? That it?"

The response dried in her throat, because yeah, James was her best friend. Wasn't he exactly the definition of a best friend? The first person she sought when she had to share something with or seek comfort from?

"Well, yeah."

It was as if a cold bucket of water dropped over her as James removed his hands and took a notable step backwards as his eyes moved to the wall behind her; a move she learned he did when he was unreasonably upset and couldn't formulate a fair response.

"Right," he said, her heart ramming faster than before as she tried to meet his gaze but he broadened his shoulders making him taller. "Right. Well, I uh, I uh told the boys I would meet them in the common room before dinner so I better go, meet them."

"James," but he already turned away. He stopped briefly though at her cry but when she didn't say anything else so he kept moving.

His sudden departure left her standing there not clearly grasping were their moment had gone so completely wrong. Obviously the word "friend" bothered him. But they had become friends; not withstanding if he had bothered to make a move she probably would have reciprocated. It wasn't like she cuddled up like that with Sirius or Marlene! How could he just walk away so passive aggressively? Hadn't she been accusing him of being too _aggressive_ for years now?

"Bad luck, sister," the painting with four nuns exclaimed.

Lily marched back to the common room, raving in her head. It was so undeniably rude and arrogant and immature of him to just walk off like that! To assume without even letting her explain and than storming away from her as if she was some perpetrator! She had practically thrown herself at him, giving him the neon yes sign. It wasn't her fault that he was too insecure to see! Heat exploded through her body as she climbed into Gryffindor Tower sweeping the room to give James a piece of her mind.

Maybe she wouldn't go to his Quidditch match tomorrow. It wasn't like he considered her a friend or anything. And it would serve him right.

"Where's James?" she demanded when she found his friends instead.

"Last I saw he was drooling over you in Charms," Sirius said not even raising his head from his chess match with up Peter.

"He said he was meeting you guys," Lily retorted as Sirius finally looked up into her blazing stare.

"Now, Evans, don't look at me like that. It doesn't make me know where he is anymore than I already do."

Lily huffed as she fell back against the open seat. "Well if you see him tell him I'm looking for him."

"Eye Eye captain," Sirius snorted. "Now, why don't you tell us what happened?"

The question deflated her anger a bit as she looked at Sirius a bit helplessly. "I don't really know honestly. One moment I think he was going to kiss me and then the next he is storming away because I called him my best friend."

"Ahh," Sirius said as he looked pointedly at Remus who sighed. "You can deal with this as you speak girl."

"I don't speak girl, I just treat them like human beings," Remus snorted before facing Lily's glare.

"Lily," Remus said softly that instantly calmed her. "I'm not exactly sure what your feelings are but you know James harbors more than a small crush on you. I'm sure he just felt a bit put off that you called him a friend."

Remus' words confirmed exactly what she had been thinking but hearing it out loud caused her to feel a squirmy un-comfortableness in her stomach.

"But he is my friend! But that doesn't mean, I mean that well… you know, that I don't think of him that way," Lily spoke blushing profusely at her admission that she hadn't even shared with her roommates.

The three boys gapped at her and she shrugged her shoulders.

"I'm going to go upstairs," Lily said pointing her thumb to the stairs.

Maybe, she considered as she fell upon her fluffy bed and looked at the ceiling, it was a good thing her and James hadn't move forward tonight. School was about to finish, and if all went well, she would be off to Cornwall for another year of schooling to become a Healer. And James talked at extensive length on his plan to attend the Auror Academy after Hogwarts concluded. Everyone knew that the classified training, though not focused in one location, was based in London. Granted Apparition existed but it still felt far. It wasn't like they would be living together that already enabled them to spend less time if together. And they would be busy with studies and training as she imagined the extensive practice she had heard about Healer practice. From the rumors, she assumed Auror training wasn't any easier.

She growled into her pillow, sincerely regretting not thinking about this earlier. Maybe if they had started dating earlier in the year they could have figured out something. But now the year was ending, and would be staring a new relationship be a wise decision? She knew she wasn't a Muggle but wasn't this always the period her father had expressed as the years of growth and learning by meeting new people? She did like James but maybe it would save the two of them a lot of heartache if nothing came to be instead of something that would eventually end with broken hearts. What did her mother always say? It wasn't about what she wanted it was what she needed. Did she need James?

With that alarming thought coursing through her veins, the door to the dormitory burst open and Marlene and Mary walked in, arm in arm surprised to see her pouting in her bed.

"I thought you were off with James," Mary asserted plopping onto her own bed.

Lily shrugged noncommittally.

"Something happen?" Marlene incurred but Lily didn't answer but instead buried her face into her pillow.

She knew Marlene and Mary were looking at her expectantly but she just didn't feel like dealing with their silent stares or curiosity. She just wasn't up to explaining her feelings or that the fact that even though she liked James the timing wasn't right. Maybe later, in the future, pointedly ignoring the flaw in her plan that explicitly forgot the war outside the castle that could potentially keep the two of them separated for years to come. And than she would never experience James…

"Ugh, fine don't tell us!" Mary said exasperated. "The two of you are exhausting. I'm not even invested anymore honestly."

"You know, Lily," Marlene said ignoring Mary's outburst. "It's customary for the Quidditch captain to give the Snitch to his real 'snitch' if he wins."

"I've never heard that before," Lily scoffed.

"What? Why would she make that up! Of course its true," Mary said offended for Marlene.

"Then why have I never witnessed this?" Lily said with raised eyebrows.

"That's because the captain only does it his Seventh Year as like a last grace, you know? Anyways, last year James couldn't give you the Snitch because he wasn't a Seventh Year, yeah. And the years before that I'm sure you just weren't paying attention," Marlene explained. "The only ones who really pay attention are the desperate girls, really."

"What happens if the girl rejects it?" Lily allured by the tradition.

Mary scoffed. "Of course you would ask that."

"It's like an acceptance thing of 'beloved adventure' or something like that. It's an old fairytale actually, _The Seeker and the Snitch_. So the girl either accepts the proposal and takes the Snitch and it usually means that the couple will forever in ever happiness. And if she rejects him, the girl will let the Snitch into the air to keep searching for the right adventure."

"I don't know if I believe this…" Lily said rolling onto her side to look at them. Marlene and Mary were facing each other as they played a game.

"Lily, no offense, but you're Muggle-born. There will be some things we will always just need to educate you in, like that time we had to explain that you didn't need to use that Muggle machine to dry your hair," Mary commented without looking up from her game.

Lily crossed her arms. "You guys can be the worst, you know."

"But what would you without are wisdom," Mary conceded. "Anyways, do you think James will give you the Snitch when we win tomorrow?"

"What?" Lily sputtered, not considering that possibility. What if he did give her the Snitch?

"Obviously he is going to give it to Lily," Marlene intervened.

"Yeah, will Lily accept it though is the big question at hand?"

"Excuse me, I'm right here," Lily said unamused.

"Sure," Marlene said waving her hand lazily in her direction.

"I highly doubt that James will be giving me the Snitch, if what you guys are talking about is even real," Lily frowned.

The two girls paused their games as they turned simultaneously to stare at the redhead.

"I'm sure even Professor Binns knows James is going to be giving you the Snitch," Marlene stated. "So explain to me why you think he won't? I mean, Lily, even after all this time don't tell me your still denying the fact that he fancies you?"

"And that you fancy him right back," Mary added.

Lily scowled but sobered at the reality was that if she didn't have a word in with James before the game, even if she wanted him to give her the Snitch he probably wouldn't. She bit her lip sadly as she remembered him walking away. "I'm not denying it… both ways," Lily said slowly and hushed Mary when raised her hands in triumph. "But we kind of got into a, well I'm not really sure what it was but James is mad at me."

"Lily!" Mary said, getting up and jumping on her bed from excitement. "One fight can't change the fact that James has liked you for five years."

Lily overlooked Mary's words and kept going. "And that doesn't change the fact that the year is ending and me and James are both off to separate places. This might just not be the best time to start a new relationship."

At her words, both Marlene and Mary gapped at her similar to how the Marauders did downstairs. "Really, Evans. Sometimes you are just something else."

"It's just timing, is all and that's just… sometimes you have to deny yourself what you want because you just don't need it," Lily faltered as a pillow was hit straight into her face.

"How can you know you don't need it if you never had it!" Mary all but yelled before dropping back onto her bed. "I can't deal with you sometimes. You think way to much."

"I'm trying not to be offended by your comment," Lily said angrily.

"Well if your angry at least you are showing emotions," Mary intoned.

"I have emotions!" Lily growled becoming really cross now.

"We know you do," Marlene said raising a hand to quiet Mary. "It's just a shame to deny yourself something you so obviously want."

"You don't see me pressuring you to go back to Sirius after he is so obviously sorry!" Lily informed sick of the two of them. Sick of being told what to feel and then told she didn't feel. She did feel! She felt so much that it was overwhelming. Just because she wasn't as close to them as they were with each other didn't mean that they could just so casually discount their words towards her.

"Hey!" Marlene said displeased. "That's different."

"It doesn't feel different when someone is trying to tell you what to do and how to act."

"Me and Sirius were in a relationship, you know that. But you aren't even letting James get close to you. That's all you both want."

Lily didn't respond because everyone was so sure they knew exactly what she wanted without asking first. She wasn't dumb and she could make decisions for herself. If it was the wrong decision than she would learn from it but people couldn't enforce something upon her.

Lily got up, about to take her books when she realized that James still had them. Perfect. "I'm going to the library, don't wait up."

And without turning around she left; she ignored the feeling that James had done something similar to her but Lily had just about enough of people for today.

* * *

Lily sat dispassionately in the Transfiguration section pretending she wasn't hoping to run into James in his favorite subject's library section. And then she reminded herself that it was very doubtful James would be wondering around the library the night before the final game.

"What, not with Potter before his big match?" a voice sneered and Lily's head snapped up from the book she had been scanning to face Severus.

She reminded herself that he was jealous and she couldn't give into that. They may not be friends and he might have turned completely to Dark Arts but she still had a warm spot for him in her heart.

"Can I help you with something?" Lily asked patiently.

"Just wondering why you are hanging out in the library on a Friday afternoon is all," he said, and Lily's patience was waning at the spiteful tone. "Thought you would be off with _Potter_."

"Severus," she started and than realized she didn't know what to say. He had broken her; he had lied, made her believe that she was special, promising he would always be there. And maybe he had believed them when he proclaimed them but the way he so callously tossed her aside depicted to her exactly the kind of person he was. That was something she couldn't ignore.

Before she could work out something though a shadow appeared at the end of shelves, and Lily twisted around to see James, his stance hard as he looked at the two of them.

"James!" Lily said ignoring Severus completely as she moved towards him, putting a hand on his crossed one. "Can we talk?"

James looked at Severus and than down at her and nodded. He took her hand a bit possessively and glared at Snape. "Snivellus."

Snape had the mind not to answer and turned away as Lily glared at James. "That was uncalled for."

"Why do you even defend him?"

"It's not about defending its about the fact that it was unprovoked," Lily reiterated.

"You wanted to talk?" James said ignoring her statement.

Lily wondered if they would get anywhere with James childish mood but decided it was worth the try. "I wanted to make sure we were good."

James seemed to humble at her words and take both her hands lightly in his. "I was going to apologize for walking away like that earlier."

"Yeah, but we're good?" she said standing on her toes and smiling up at him with her luminous eyes.

"Water under the bridge, Lils," James said smiling warmly at her.

"Good," Lily exclaimed as she set back on her feet still holding his hands. "Secret?"

"What?" James said looking down at her with an amused smirk.

"I was waiting in the stacks to see if you would come by," she giggled as he wrapped both his hands around her and hugged her tightly.

They started walking to dinner together, and though it appeared 'water was under the bridge' a tight tension seemed to fill them even as they sat with their friends. They hadn't really discussed what had bothered James and that might have been better with the game tomorrow. But Lily couldn't help but feel apprehension surface as she fell asleep that night that James ignoring her seeped much deeper than Severus' betrayal.

* * *

Lily shuffled around her rowdy common room as the colors gold and red poured around her. An uncomfortable feeling squirmed in the pits of her stomach watching the various 'Potter' stickers being passed around. She was sitting near Fifth Year Eloise Moore, a prefect Lily had taken under her wing, as she painted small Snitches onto girls cheeks.

"Want me to write 'Potter'?" Eloise asked sweetly as she flicked her wand to refill the sparkling colors.

Lily gave her a tense smile. "A Snitch is fine." Marlene and Mary rolled their eyes as two Fifth Year girls painted blazing lions on their cheeks.

Lily bit the inside of her cheek watching people surrounding the Quidditch team. James was getting hugs and claps on his back from various friends and girls… At breakfast, the crowd seemed to multiply as admirers from Hufflepuff came over to wish the team good luck. Even if Lily hadn't felt awkward from their tiff yesterday she was pretty sure, she deduced pitifully, she wouldn't have been able to get a peep of him anyways. Watching at how easily Marlene and Mary entered the heart of excitement, she felt an isolation she reprehended herself for feeling as she chose not to follow her friends but sit at the lower end of the table towards the teachers. Lily poked her eggs moodily as she watched Bryony Rose from Hufflepuff flirt shamelessly with James. She tried to keep her eyes off him but James was exactly where he needed to be: center of attention, his easy smile flying high, his flamboyant posture and camaraderie taking over. All this reminding Lily that maybe she wasn't what James _needed_. Or maybe, a small voice rustled in the back of her mind, she would be sitting there with him if she only allowed herself so.

As the team started moving to leave the locker room, Lily felt her heart sputter knowing this may be her only chance to wish James luck. She stood without thought, and briskly walked towards her best friend. Lily grabbed his hand before he reached the main door. The second their hands touched a blissful silence encircled her providing a confidence she had previously lacked.

"Good luck," she murmured.

He swallowed, and Lily hoped the blissful silence had encompassed him as well. He moved to twine their fingers, heartbeat in adagio as their palms met.

"Thank you," he said. "I'll be watching the stands for you."

"Score a goal for me?" as she brought her free hand to his bicep.

His free hand twisted around her waist, bringing her closer to him and leaned down, whispering into her ear that allowed only her to hear his hushed tone. "All the goals are for you, when will you see that?"

The noise returned instantly as his teammates dragged him away, laughing at James to quit his seducing until after the game. Lily was left standing there in the middle of the Great Hall watching the bouncing forms of people moving in and out, her eyes lingering at the retreating form of James as she tried to calm down her now hammering heart. It wasn't working.

She felt someone wrap their hand around her neck, and felt Sirius pull her out of the room as their friends started walking to the match.

"C'mon, gotta find a decent spot for James to kiss you when he wins the match," Sirius claimed, dragging her out in a headlock that caused Lily to step onto his foot. Behind them, Remus and Peter sniggered and Marlene and Mary giggled excitedly.

"Poor, Sirius, are you hurt?" Marlene fake sympathized as she moved her hand scandalously down his arm.

He glared at Marlene than at Lily who shrugged innocently as she skipped ahead to swing her arms with Remus.

As they reached the Quidditch pitch, they climbed the steps further up the stadium as the thrill of the match began cheering Lily up from her previous state of mind, or maybe it had been James' attention…

They found a Sirius approved spot in the middle of the front row, and Lily leaned against the railings as she narrowed her eyes at the two teams way below her, her eyes spotting James whose back was behind her giving last minute instructions. Lily felt like one of his admirers as she acknowledged his rigid stance in his Quidditch robes, the way he moved his arms against the tight material and the curve of his windswept hair against the backdrop of the blue day. She pointedly ignored her friends mocking her.

"And it's finally here!" Jaxson Grant of Gryffindor said into the enchanted microphone that caused Lily to jump from her staring as she saw the purple vs. red face each other. "Gryffindor vs. Ravenclaw. And in my 100% unbiased opinion, with absolute no care in the results there is no doubt that roaring lions far outmatch the eagles here."

"Grant," the harsh tone of Professor McGonagall was heard in the background and Lily smiled up at the Fourth Year as he tried reassuring McGonagall that his House had nothing to do with his opinions.

"And captains Potter and Hicks line up for the customary shake off. There is no doubt the undefeated Gryffindor team is at its prime with Potter as captain these last three years. After two championships under his rein, Potter is now going for that undefeated season. Keeps challenging himself that Potter."

They watched as James and the Ravenclaw captain Joshua Hicks shook hands before the whistle pierced the air and two teams plus the balls zoomed up into the arena like splash against the atmosphere.

"And the teams take off, and already Potter has the Quaffle! He's headed towards the goal post, there he goes past Jefferson for the defense. You've got this Potter! Go Gryffindor!" Grant shouted before adding so McGonagall wouldn't admonish him. "In my total, 100% unbiased opinion."

James swept passed a Bludger, passed between two Ravenclaw members sideways, and Lily bit her lip at the pure exhilaration on his face watching as, his palm raised with the ball firmly in it, and he aimed perfectly into the middle goal line.

"And Potter scores! 10-0, Gryffindor," Grant burst through the microphone as the crowd erupted round him and Lily jumped up and down happily as her and Sirius hugged each other like little school girls.

"That's my boy!" Sirius said.

Lily removed herself from Sirius' embrace and watched as James made a loop, his eyes scanning the bleachers, landing in the middle of the field as his gaze settled on her. Her heart skipped a beat. He pointed his hand at her and mouthed for everyone to see: " _For you_ ,"before resuming the game.

Lily turned bright red as people's head swished to face her, people barely registering that Gryffindor had scored again. She tried to control her flushing emotion but it was deemed impossible as she found herself solely watching James on his broom.

"And Ravenclaw has the ball, it's passed to Ainsley Dixon who passes it to Donald Drake. C'mon Marlowe, block that ball!" Grant demanded of the Gryffindor Keeper but it was no use as the Gryffindor crowd groaned as Drake swept left, the ball passing Marlowe and into the goal post. "And it's 20-10, Gryffindor.

"And Potter has the Quaffle, he passes it to Collins, who is blocked by Quincy. Quincy has the Quaffle now, passes it to Hicks who is intercepted by Potter!"

Lily watched as James rushed forward ready to strike before passing it to Nathaniel Troy who with no defense easily scored.

"And Collins of Gryffindor has the ball, looks like she is going to score _again_. Hear that Ravenclaw, better up that defense! As we all know, Potter is playing his final game at Hogwarts. Leaving the team in the capable hands of Marlowe, Troy, and Collins _we hope_ …"

Lily laughed as Marlowe blocked another goal from the weak Ravenclaw offense, and then glared at Grant before point to the Gryffindor Beater to direct the next Bludger to the speaker box. Grant raised his hands in blamelessness and continued commenting on the match. The game continued and Lily watched fascinated as James scored another two goals, his fellow Chaser Zara Collins scoring too bringing the score to 60-10.

"And Potter headed to score his forth goal zooming past Hicks and-"

But before Potter could score, he was hit with Bludger to his back that caused the ball to fall out of his hands and Grant to jump screaming: "FOUL!"

But the game continued onwards, and Ravenclaw scored again bringing the game to 60-20 Gryffindor. Lily focused on James throughout the game as he moved easily between his fellow teammates, yelling out instructions and encouragement so when the Bludger hit him her heart tanked and she screamed his name inadvertently and loudly. Normally, James would have recovered but hearing her utter his name he turned his head in her direction.

She opened her mouth in surprise as he faced her and James stared at her round-eyed.

"James! Get your head back in the game," Collins yelled as she pushed him than glared at Lily. "Oi! Keep the flirting for after the game, yeah?"

The people around her laughed but Lily blushed again and felt herself burying herself further into her seat as she covered her face with her hands. She missed Ravenclaw scoring again bringing the score to 60-30, Gryffindor.

"And its Potter with the Quaffle. No denying that when Potter has the Quaffle its very likely he will score! And he does! 70-30, Gryffindor."

Lily kept her mouth shut as the game furthered and she watched the Gryffindor team move in tandem, amazed to think James brought this all together. He, after all, was an impressive Head Boy so of course that would also reflect on the Quidditch pitch. The sync in which the team moved was exciting as the ball moved from one player to the next.

Lily hadn't been a big fan of Quidditch in her earlier years, attending a game here and there. Mainly, she just didn't understand because no one bothered to explain to her the roots or various formations or balls. She began attending them regularly in Sixth Year for a lack of activity and one time during a Ravenclaw vs. Slytherin game she sat in the upper corner with James when their relationship had still been diplomatic silence.

"I don't think I understand," she finally said as she watched a player get hit with a Bludger.

"What's not to get?" James asked distracted as he took written notes of the various plays the two teams were doing.

"Well… all of it," she finally admitted that caused him to pause and gap at her. "I mean, its just no one really took the time to explain it to me and well I've never really been into sports before but… well flying. Should be pretty cool, right?"

She was embarrassed and looked down when James laughed. Sometimes being Muggle-born was so hard but James brought his hand to her chin and she looked up at him, it had been the first time they touched. Really, it was one of their first conversations too.

And then James in an excitement that excited her detailed the game explaining everything to her in a simplicity no one had bothered with before. By the end of the year, she was an avid Quidditch fan, waving a flag at the championship game of Gryffindor vs. Slytherin. All because of James… And watching James, the amazingness that he could collect in himself, she wondered what he even saw in her.

"And it's late into the game 100-40 Gryffindor. And Collins is headed towards the is that the Snitch?!"

Immediately, hundreds of eyes narrowed on the two Seekers who were pressed low against their brooms as they zoomed upwards to a distinct flash of light in the background. Lily jumped against the railing as she yelled in pressure at the Forth Year Gryffindor Seeker Harper Clyde who reached forward, swatting the Ravenclaw Seeker's hand away out of the way, and wrapped her hand around the Snitch.

"GRYFFINDOR WINS!" Grant was screaming into the microphone. "That amazing catch by Clyde! She is an amazing catch! GRYFFINDOR WINS, GRYFFINDOR WINS! GRYFFINDOR HAS NOW WON FOR THE THRID YEAR IN A ROW!"

The crowd went absolutely wild as Sirius roared pumping his first into the air, Marlene and Mary hugging each other giddily, Remus and Peter jumping up and down, and people running wildly into the pitch in celebration.

The team was hugging high into the air, wrapping their arms around Harper than James than each other. Lily was left in the stands smiling mildly as she watched the elation below her, trying to suppress her questionable angst as she fiddled with her fingers. It took her a moment to notice James was left in the air too and was flying towards her. Lily's breath hitched as he moved closer.

"Need a ride?" he offered, swooping in front of her that would allow her to jump on.

She bit her lip as she climbed behind him, wrapping her hands around his sweaty body but leaning her head against his anyways as he made another victory lap, twirling them in the air backwards that caused Lily to giggle loudly into his ear.

"Faster," he pretended to hear as he zoomed in another circle before aiming to the ground causing her to squeal as she gripped him closer, her quick remark lost on her throat as the grass grew closer, the wind more vigorous against their bodies. Before they smashed, James easily swooped down, setting his feet firmly onto the ground, presenting his hand to assist her in getting off.

"Now you've got hair like me," he joked touching it lightly.

Before she could respond James was bombarded with hugs and cheers. Lily tried moving away to allow him his freedom but he pulled her closer to him that forced anyone to hug him acknowledge her too. _As if she was his girlfriend_ … Lily warned herself. But Lily couldn't help but smile gleefully as Bryony Rose sulked away when she had tried to get James alone.

"Congrats!"

"Way to go!"

"Party in the common room!" Peter informed.

Lily felt content in the crook of James' neck, kissing his neck lightly as she looked up at him. His hand squeezed her hips and he whispered into her ear before kissing her neck softly. "I want you alone."

The warm sensation returned to her lower stomach as she swallowed harshly. She tried authoritatively to remind herself of the decision she had made yesterday. It felt useless as she was wrapped in James so securely, his hands causing her body to feel flushed against him as he moved his hands to kiss her neck before being called up to the podium where Dumbledore held the Quidditch cup. She wasn't his girlfriend. She wasn't his girlfriend. She wasn't his girlfriend.

The Quidditch cup was awarded to the team and they passed it around, touching it with overwhelming glee. But Lily watched in panic as Harper passed James the Snitch, James catching it swiftly between his fingers, throwing it and catching it with an easy confidence that Lily lacked. Her mind asked her politely to move away and disappear into the crowd but she remained bolted into her spot as James effortlessly jumped from the podium and moved to her, presenting the Snitch in his hand.

"A Snitch for a Snitch," he said, holding out the fluttering ball in his hand. His eyes were amused as she hesitated. "Catch it and don't let it go," James warned as she reached for it nervously as she watched the white wings flutter desperately to escape.

She heard the jealous sounds of girls behind her, the jibbing from the males but she only had eyes for James as he finally released his hand of the Snitch. But she hadn't been quick enough.

The Snitch flew into the air, vanishing into the cloudless sky. The crowd watched in an anxious silence. Lily's heart ached urgently as she suddenly, without doubt, deeply regretted what had just happened. Watching the Snitch fly away she just knew that James was all she wanted, need or no need. She looked up at him as she made to grab his hand but he flinched. He seemed to deflate even as Marlowe jumped back onto his broom and offered to look for it.

"I'm sorry," Lily said pushing through the crowd that seemed to confine them but James moved away from her, allowing the crowd to carry him up in their arms and move him away from the cause of his sorrow.

* * *

The party was overwhelming for Lily as she hid close to the fireplace. The celebrations entered into the early hours of the morning with people dancing on the make shift dance floor, drinks in hands while they chatted lightly about the excitement of the game. Other students milled around the food table eating Honeydukes candy and chocolate while a few older students played drinking games in the corner. Peter and Remus had lit up a banner that roared with sparkling lights glowing against the room.

Lily removed from the celebrations but unable to escape them, watched James dance with a blonde Sixth Year she had never really spoken too. That girl hadn't made a fool of him in front of the whole school by releasing the Snitch into the abyss. So Lily curled into the couch talking with Fifth Year girls who hadn't realized she had completely ruined everything. She smiled tightly at them but her eyes kept focusing on James who seemed determined not to look at her.

She got up than from sheer frustration, removing herself from the conversation politely. She was about to leave when a split decision after she glanced at James, decided right there that James was her best friend, she might have accidentally let go of the Snitch but she could still dance and celebrate with him.

So with a backbone that Godric Gryffindor would have been proud of she moved through the crowd and tapped James' dancing partner aside as she stepped in front of him, paying no heed to the huff of indignation from the girl.

"Can I cut in?" she asked to no one as she wrapped her arms around his neck, disregarding his shock or the gossiping stares.

When he wouldn't move, she wrapped his hands around her back and moved her body to the beat of the music.

"What are you doing?" he finally asked as he stopped her movements by gripping her hips.

"I'm dancing," she informed him and continued.

"Lily," he said sternly but when she didn't react he grabbed her forcefully. "Lily stop."

"Why?" she demanded as she pushed his hard hands off her refusing to assume these hard hands had replaced his gentle touch.

"You're embarrassing yourself." His words echoed around the room as Lily's eyes redden and the courage evaporated as James looked above her. "I'm sorry, but I can't pretend anymore."

Her misery was filling her. "You don't know what you're saying," she said quietly but it didn't matter. Everyone was listening.

"Want to do this here? Again?" His arms outstretched moving around the room as his eyes snapped back to hers.

"James," she said hastily because she didn't want to do this here, she didn't want to do this again in front of everyone, again.

"Stop, what? Stop us? You're the one who keeps leading me, allowing me to wrap my arms around you, helping me with lessons, staying up with me all night just to keep me company! And then you shuffle off like I haven't thrown myself at you for the last five years! How about you stop?" His anger growing as steadily as his voice.

"James, I don't want to do this here," she said faintly but he didn't hear her.

"You can't just decide how I should act or be or do or feel! You're so stubborn you won't even let yourself be happy. I mean, you and me, we could be so happy together but you push everyone around you away that you're left standing alone all the time. I can't keep following you around hoping today will be the day you'll finally let me in. I've had enough… I can't pretend to be your 'best friend', I don't want to be your 'best friend' and me and you and everyone in this bloody room knows it! You don't have a right to stand there and pretend you care when you don't! I mean, goddammit Lily, you know I fancy you!" He said harshly.

"James-" but even if he hadn't interrupted her she didn't believe she knew what to say. How could she explain when he was calling her out in front of everyone?

"Stop with the 'James', just stop," his hands shoving into his hair as he looked away from her and around the common room as déjà vu entered her and she could feel his dejection at the pits of her body.

Each word felt like a whiplash against her skin, and flash of annoyance burst through her body as she looked at James who was standing there as if he had all the answers without learning them.

"You're being unfair."

"I'm unfair?" he snarled. "You're-"

"You're standing there as if I can read your mind! I'm not a Legilimens!" Snapping as her temper flared and she lashed out. "You didn't ask me out! Besides holding me and helping me with lessons and rumors from Fifth Year you never gave me any indignation until recently that you were even interested! I didn't know because you didn't tell me once during those late nights, while I was helping you study. And now it's the end of the year and its too late. You're leaving and I'm leaving and we aren't going in the same direction so why would I want to start something that will end anyways!"

The silence was pregnant as James stared wide-eyed. "You, you like…" but the words couldn't escape his mouth.

"Of course I do! How can you stand there and think I have no feelings after everything we have shared this year and last? I have so many feelings, James," she sobbed as the tears slid down her. "And now it's too late. That's on you."

She turned around because she couldn't face the rejection, the whispers or the heartache anymore. Best friends, why did she bother if they always left? So she twisted around and glared at James furiously because fool me once shame on them, fool me twice shame on her. "I thought you were my real best friend, and I think I fell in love with that."

James moved to grab her arm and she let him. And it was the same like Fifth Year because she already regretted her outburst but this time OWLs weren't ahead of them but after them. NEWTs were two weeks away and she had to focus and then she would be off to Cornwall. And James would be off to London.

It felt like they would continue repeating this cycle repetitively as if they were destined to constantly come close but miss each other. So he removed his hand and she moved silently up to her room.

* * *

TBC

Hope everyone enjoyed! The next part should be up sometime next week (fingers crossed:)


	2. Love Decided They Didn't Belong

No Headlights in Paradise

Chapter 2 – Love Decided They Didn't Belong

Song choice: Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Ray

* * *

Lily had pretended to be asleep when Mary and Marlene had walked in post her second vicious argument with James because everyone was always going to side with James. She was after all Lily the Gryffindor outcast. She wouldn't put it past Mary to confront her even in her moment of utter despair but she heard the hushed whispers and maybe tonight they would reprieve her. She was miserable all on her own; there was no need to add to it.

Her fight with James followed her into the night, allowing her to stare blankly at her canopy as the twinkling dawn passed her by and the blazing light of the summer morning remaindered her not so gently that fights with James Potter did not make time stop. The idea of facing everyone sent dread into her, and faking sleep seemed like the better option of facing a House that she was sure never believed she belonged with them to begin with.

Her two roommates woke with the morning light and headed to breakfast as usual. As they made their own morning commotion, Lily tried not to huff into her pillow as it seemed her sleep was of little concern to them. She hugged her pillow more fiercely and when the door was closed shut she released the desperate sob she had been concealing. Hugging her pillow did nothing to soothe the deep stirring ache in her heart as if it refused to dissolve but instead spread more forcefully and thoroughly as if acid.

She gulped as tears leaked horribly down her face, and she had never felt more alone at Hogwarts then she did in those moments for even if she needed a friend, she had none. It was an all-consuming misery that would not resolve itself until she left Hogwarts because with a deafening clarity she knew it wouldn't be all right. It wouldn't be as long as James walked these halls and she witnessed him laughing in class, riding his broomstick or flirting with the teachers.

So she continued to cry and allow the aching, painful mess that she had become to be all encompassing as she skipped breakfast and lunch and ignored all responsibilities. _And they hadn't even been together_ , she reminded herself spitefully.

"Lily," she heard as a shadow appeared at her drapes.

She didn't answer but couldn't pretend to be asleep as she sniffled into wetly into her pillow.

"Lily," she heard again but she rolled over and contained her sobs momentarily until the person drifted away.

As the day turned into night and the darkness engulfed her, she wondered if James was thinking about her. If he would see the silhouette of the moon and think about her in the same moment she was thinking about him. Yet, as the day passed into the next day, she reminded herself the ache would stop if she could escape Hogwarts. Escaping Hogwarts involved surviving her NEWT's. NEWT's, she reminded herself, would also distract her from the misery cutting into her bones.

With that, she got up, pulled her hair into a ponytail, put on her father's old college jersey, a pair of ripped jeans and sneakers. She laughed when she looked at herself in the mirror. She looked anything but magical but an ordinary Muggle, but they weren't all ordinary, were they… She tried to hide away her distressing purple eyes but gave into them. Maybe the misery look was in style these days.

As she began packing her school bag of all the materials she needed she mused that she knew it would come to this. Her alone, messing it all up all over again by choosing the person that she just wasn't meant to be with. First Severus, now James. Sometimes, in her darkest thoughts, she wondered if she had just gone to school with the Muggles, squashed out the magic and allowed herself to be normal like Petunia, if it all would have been okay. Her and Petunia most certainly would have been on better terms. Yet, even as the thoughts would seep into her, she dismissed them immediately. There was no squashing magic that essentially reminded her that the Wizarding world was where she belonged.

She smiled at her self sadly, and then reminded herself that she would not be victim of her circumstances. So she mustered up a deep breath and made her way down to the common room and ignored the stares on her skin that made her itchy, avoided any glances that would have allowed her to stumble upon the messy hair of James Potter and made her way to the Great Hall.

And even though she ate her food silently and was convinced that people were not only staring but also pointing, Lily continued to eat and ignored the sinking, isolated feeling in consuming the pit of her stomach that liked whispering how she had no friends. It was moments like this that forced Lily to have self-reflection. She was keenly aware that she had a few admirers at Hogwarts. Her lack of trust, her reserved attitude and the fact that entering Hogwarts she had pre-chosen best friend had always made Lily defensive.

This has changed since James embraced her and took it upon himself to ensure she was a well-liked student but it also depended on James approval apparently. Breaking James Potter's heart didn't seem to bode well for her school popularity. And she was quite positive that James would not come to her rescue in this instance.

Finishing her porridge, Lily got up and left the room and walked towards the library. She was mentally outlining her preparations for studying when she ran into a solid wall. Or not wall, human chest that was made of cement, she concluded. A secure grip took her by her elbows and she was faced with the brown eyes of Sirius Black.

She wasn't exactly sure what she was supposed to say to her best friend's best friend? The Marauders, for their good will and intention, were James' friends primarily. What did they have in common without him? Not much, she concluded with a sad lump in her throat. So she remained staring stupidly at him until he would break the silence. Silence was always the firmest tool she believed to get people talking.

"Lily, hey," he said gently as he straightened her and let go.

She decided a tight smile sufficed.

"How are you?" he asked kindly. Don't confuse kindness with pity, Lily remarked darkly in her thoughts.

"Sirius, you don't have to do this."

"This… standing?" he joked and Lily cracked a small smile.

She shrugged her shoulders and pointed at her self. "We're not friends."

"Lily," he said amused. "I'm sorry to break it to you, we're friends."

His affectionate words caused tears to spill over her eyes and Sirius laid a hand on her shoulder and hugged her with comforting arms, as if he knew exactly the despair she had been feeling. Lily found herself hugging him back as her misery was acknowledged with gentleness.

As she finally controlled herself, she smiled brokenly. "Thanks, I needed that."

He laughed but he wasn't smiling and then hugged her again.

"Library?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"Me too."

So they walked silently to the library, arm in arm and Lily took comfort in the camaraderie between them and found herself joking and studying next to him all day. Momentarily forgetting about James. And as they walked back to the dorm and were about to part he hesitated before saying, "James, he's more miserable than you."

"I doubt that," Lily said as a tremor raced through her heart, unwilling for hope to linger.

"He is, Lily. I probably shouldn't even tell you this but he sits on his bed all day and stares at the ceiling. I know him, he feels like he's missed his chance."

"But- but he hasn't!"

Sirius shrugged his shoulders because they both knew there was no telling James what to do, and when he saw the sparkly tears in her eyes again he hugged her. "I wish James would let me comfort him this way."

Lily laughed but didn't say anything in addition and they separated making their way to their respective dormitories.

Entering into her room, she found Marlene and Mary sitting on Mary's bed. They both looked up at her as she walked in and for some reason their gazes made Lily shrink inside.

"Hey," Lily said hoarsely, making her way towards her own bed and laying down against the cushion of her mattress.

Marlene quietly acknowledged her with a nod but Mary scowled at her. Lily confusingly glanced at Marlene but Marlene wasn't facing her, actually she was looking at anything but her.

"What gives?" Lily asked reluctantly.

"We saw you with Sirius," Mary accused as she ignored Marlene's hiss to shut up.

Lily was too tired for these dramatics and after her good day with Sirius she decided to just not say anything. Instead, she lay back in her bed and picked up the first book she found, _A History of Magic_.

"You're just going to lay there? Don't you have something to say for yourself?" Mary continued.

"Nope," Lily uttered, and seriously considered drawing her curtains but thought better of it. Maybe her haughtiness wasn't worth it. The two girls after all were her roommates, her somewhat friends for the last seven years.

With that thought Lily closed her book and faced them and was about to make a peace offering until Mary opened her mouth again. "You don't see us hanging around James."

Lily's mouth hung open at the claim and she strained herself from rolling her eyes. "That's rich but by all means hang out with him. I don't care."

"You're heartless."

"What?" Lily said sharply to her roommate, looking at Marlene for some sort of reprimand but it didn't come. Her and Mary always quarreled but this seemed to be taking it too far.

"It's like you don't care about any of your friends feelings. I mean hanging around Sirius even though you know how it hurts Marlene!"

Lily looked over at her for a second before literally laughing humorlessly as she collapsed with her hands up. "I give up."

"You think this is funny?" Marlene said as she looked over at Lily. When she didn't answer Marlene snorted. "You're so full of it, Lily."

"Wh-What?" shocked, Lily twisted her head and looked at Marlene whose face was usually so kind.

"You're laying there looking miserable and crying for days, and you and James didn't even go on one date! But you're my friend and I respect you enough to know that me hanging around James would probably make it worse," Marlene began, her voice only getting higher and higher as she yelled at Lily. "And here I am trying to the considerate thing by not hanging around James and here you are spending the entire day with Sirius!"

"Marlene," Lily started, uncertain how to approach the delicate subject. "I would never ask either of you to not hang out with your friend."

"Lily, he cheated on me!" the words quieted Lily immediately and caused her to swallow her retort as Marlene attempted to compose herself with tears. "Sirius cheated on me and you're out making pottery with him and he cheated on me or did you forget?"

"Marlene… it's not like that… I just I needed a friend."

"Just shut up, Lily!" Marlene huffed as she glared at her. "I mean for god sake, I'm your friend. It's like your magnet, you keep choosing the people who can't help you."

Lily crossed her arms around her stomach and looked down. "Please, stop."

"Whatever, Lily," Marlene said turning away from her and back at Mary.

After a moment of silence, Lily found the little corner of courage left in her. "Don't play this big game as if the three of us are best friends. We all know I'm not in your little clique and never have been."

The silence that followed wasn't tense, or awkward or even frustrating. The air was timid and confusing with the air that these girls only had two more weeks of each other before the finality of Hogwarts concluded and it was sad after seven years Lily couldn't call Mary or Marlene her friend.

The following days Lily spent the majority of her time in the library studying. Studying to escape or remove herself from the maudlin feeling that everything in Hogwarts seemed to be emitting. She had been so excited when she had received her letter to Hogwarts and now… well now sometimes she wondered if Petunia was right. That she was a freak. In the Muggle world and the Wizarding one.

* * *

Finals were a welcome distraction, and Lily found herself spending increasingly less and less time with, well, human creatures. Lily had locked herself in an empty classroom on the fifth floor and transfigured a chair to make a less then comfortable mattress, but it did the job. And though normally, Lily thoroughly enjoyed looking up new spells, reciting the history of magic or rereading old Wizarding culture, the use of finals were spent trying not to think about everything had gone wrong in the last few days. Which, she was aware wasn't healthy but it allowed her to focus on something outside of her sorrow even though she was going a bit mad. With limited social interaction, and living on coffee and stale breads leftover from what the house elves brought her, she realized if she reread the word 'wand' one more time her eyes would burn through the page and her brain would literally melt.

With that realization, Lily acknowledged that she desperately needed a decent night's sleep as avoiding clean sheets, hygiene and food were doing her little favors expect. It seemed that Lily had truly entered the isolation she had constantly felt in her time at Hogwarts, but every time the thought trickled into her mind she quickly picked up a quill and began taking notes. She didn't want to be distracted during finals and if she remained in her empty classroom that meant no roommates, no running into people who were "off limits", and particularly, no James.

The first exam was Transfiguration, the perfect subject to keep her busy for hours on end. And though Transfiguration remained her toughest subject the distraction ensured that she almost enjoyed researching the field. Thus, on the day of the exam she quickly seated herself far away from any familiar faces and began scribbling her answers, and when she handed in her paper to Professor McGonagall, who frowned at her appearance, Lily had never felt so confidant in handing over a Transfiguration exam. And when the application portion of the exam concluded and she saw the groupings of friends together, Lily reminded herself that she shouldn't have expected anything else. James friend's weren't actually her friends. Even though Sirius said otherwise, he was still James' best friend, not Lily's. Marlene and Mary never had considered her within the bounds of their own friendship, so she forcefully swallowed her sadness.

"Miss Evans," she heard behind her and turned around to face Professor McGonagall.

"Yes, Professor?"

"You seem ill," Professor McGonagall began and Lily tried not being mortified at her teachers observation.

"I'm fine, truly, Professor. I uh I just…" but Lily didn't really know what to say because she couldn't confide in her teacher, could she?

"Miss McKinnon has informed you haven't been sleeping in your dormitory, is this true?"

At this, Lily had no words. Why would Marlene tell McGonagall this? "We had a row… It's nothing, Professor."

"Well, I don't know where you have been sleeping, Miss Evans, but students at Hogwarts sleep in their dormitories. I will have to insist that you return there tonight."

"I uh, yes, Professor."

Lily turned away then but heard behind her, "Miss Evans, Mr. Potter helps me tutor the First and Second Years," Lily didn't say anything at her words but remained with her back turned. "And for the spirited boy that he is, he has become extremely subdued to the point that he took me as a confidant. You must be patient with James, Lily dear. He is after all still a boy on the cusp of adulthood."

Lily returned to her dormitory at Professor McGonagall's instructions but would wake at the crack of dawn and would return well past midnight that entailed she would avoid her two roommates and sleep.

As her NEWT's continued, Lily had History of Magic, Charms then Care of Magical Creatures. She was faced with most of her class during the Potions exam but her confidence and capabilities in the course gave her little trepidation when facing them. She was after all almost top of her class at Potions that was proven when she completed the Draught of the Living Dead potions successfully. Lily watched as her fellow classmates persisted as she handed in her potion to a delighted Slughorn. Expect Snape, who she felt frowning at her behind her back.

When the class was given permission to leave, Lily packed her bag slowly waiting for the crowd to disperse before exiting the classroom. She found herself face to face with Marlene.

"Lily," she said as she blocked her pathway.

"Marlene," Lily said unsurely.

"I've been trying to catch you all week," she said conversationally, kindly.

"Well you've caught me now."

Marlene took a deep breath before saying, "I've been wanting to apologize for last week. I was out of line. Mary too."

Lily tried to quell the surprise before shaking her head. "No need."

"There is," Marlene said gently before touching Lily's hand. "Me and Mary were being overdramatic and I… well I shouldn't have been mad at you for talking to Sirius. And anyways, I should focus my anger on who I'm actually angry at, which is him, not you."

Lily nodded her head numbly not really sure what to say. "Marlene… I uh… Sorry my brain has been kind of fuzzy recently."

Marlene chuckled at her, shrugging her shoulders. "I just… well you weren't coming back to the dormitory and I didn't want to leave Hogwarts with how we left it. I've always considered you my friend, Lily. It makes me feel horrible that you felt excluded."

Lily was sure the shock appeared on her face, as she remained speechless. Marlene seemed amused though unsure and Lily figured she might as well say something though she was left baffled. "I'm sorry too it's just that I'm trying to wrap my head around… it's just I figured everyone hardly tolerated me to begin with, I figured now that me and Ja- well that we weren't friends anymore no one needed to tolerate me at all."

"Lily, don't be silly!" Marlene remarked and hugged her suddenly, and Lily realized in that moment that no one had touched, talked, or hugged (expect Sirius) since her and James' spat in the common room and she tried desperately not to tear up again at the comfort of someone's arms around her. Fighting with friends and finals together was hard after all.

So Lily and Marlene stood there in the middle of castle with their arms wrapped around each other, laughing and crying until they made their way back to the Seventh Year girls Gryffindor dormitory. Mary was sitting on her bed and rolled her eyes at the display.

"You girls make up, then?" she drawled and Marlene smacked her over the head. "Ouch, well, yes, Lily, sorry I was a bit dramatic before but well, we saw you with Black and I figured witch hunt it is."

Lily laughed at her apology as she snuggled into her lush mattress and almost groaned at the comfort. How silly to deny herself this over a school fight.

"And anyways," Marlene added diplomatically, "Sirius is your friend and none of us should be forced to adhere by false bravado."

Lily scoffed. "Barely."

"What?"

"Me and Sirius are barely friends."

Mary groaned loudly and Marlene jumped onto her bed and straddled her as she shook her shoulders. "Lily! You must stop with this self-deprecation."

"But it's true!" Lily insisted as Marlene rolled off and lay next to her. "We aren't… I mean he only spoke to me because of well you know." The quiet in the room caused her too look up and she saw Marlene and Mary looking at her with equal expressions of exasperation. "It's the truth!"

"Lily," Marlene said softly. "We all saw what happened, no one thinks James is totally in the wrong especially those who actually matter. He never asked you out, he never declared his feelings and therefore, he never gave you guys a chance to exist."

"But…"

"No, Lily!" Mary added. "No buts. You might have been hasty in letting that Snitch go, sure, but James is prune to overreaction and he definitely overreacted."

"And Lily," Marlene added, "You should know that James has been quite… well-"

"Stupid," Mary suggested and Marlene laughed.

"His eyes are roaming the castle all the time as if he is searching for a glimpse of you. He leaves randomly and walks the castle opening random doors. He doesn't tell us why but we all know and he knows that we know."

"Bit stalkerish if you ask me," Mary instigated, and Lily couldn't help but crack a smile even as her heart thumped at Marlene's words.

"If he wanted to find me it wasn't like he wouldn't be able too. I'm sure, well I don't know but I'm sure he has ways," Lily said.

"Lily, he studies in the dormitory and stays awake watching the portrait hole opening hoping the next person who crosses it will be you and it never is," Marlene said, as she stroked her friend's hair lightly. "Lily, he thinks about you all the time."

"But what about exams…" Lily said biting her lip as her insides crumbled and a thousand butterflies squirmed through her heart.

"Lily," Mary laughed. "You haven't noticed? We were all sure you had!"

"Noticed what?"

"He just stares at you," Marlene smiled. "He almost messed up his Transfiguration application because he was watching you perform your spells and almost tripped over himself trying to get you just to glance in his direction."

"Then why hasn't he said anything to me?" Lily demanded because this was insanity. James could easily have found her, she was sure of it. All the antics, the lost schoolboy was for nothing but dramatics because James always got what he wanted.

"I don't know but Lily, but I'm surprised he has made it this far honestly during exams because he just isn't studying."

"Not like he needs to study," Lily grumbled.

"Maybe," Marlene said. "But you should know he is constantly looking for you."

Lily shook her head in refusal because the entire thing seemed preposterous. "I have to study."

Mary laughed and Marlene looked on a bit sympathetically. "Yeah, but you can study here now, yeah? No matter hideouts."

"And you look terrible too," Mary supplemented.

And even as Lily opened her Alchemy book and tried focusing on the words, the only ones that pounded through her brain were those of Marlene's making her shiver with anticipation that she was sure was false. But she couldn't help but wonder… Was he looking for her because he wanted to apologize? Or because he missed her? Or maybe they had got it wrong and he wasn't scrounging the hallways looking for because Lily was positive he would have found her; no one knew the hallways of Hogwarts better than the Marauders after all. The yearning ache reminded her not to jump to conclusion, as her expectations always seemed to be her doomsday.

So with that she focused on her Alchemy book and paid attention to the swirling silver and blue pictures, and decided that obviously James wasn't looking very hard. And now that she was back in the dormitory it would be much easier for him to find her, if he was actually looking, she reminded herself firmly…

* * *

With Alchemy completed, Herbology next, Defense Against the Dark Arts was last. The exam had an hour theoretical in which Lily breezed by. It was the three-hour application test that left Lily heaving towards her final task and vehemently reminding her this was why she would become a Healer and not an Auror. Her hand was shaking as she approached her final task and the examiner smiled kindly at her in understanding.

"Almost there dear, and then you can join your friends," the wheezy wizard said as he pointed to the line of finished classmates along the hall who weren't allowed to leave until all the students completed the task. With all the eyeballs on her, and considering she was one of the last students, she felt as if it was a cheers and jeers section.

"Your final task is to perform the Patronus Charm. The best of your ability now, even if it's just a wisp."

It would be her fate to be forced to do the one spell that had constantly been the bane of her existence. Because Lily was good at magic. But she was not good at the stupid, 'have a happy thought', Patronus Charm! It made her surly to sit in class and watch people around her accomplish the spell as she barely forced silver streaks out. How James had sent a solid Patronus after a few attempts. Lily acknowledged privately that not many happy moments had happened to her, nothing to the extent to effectively produce a Patronus anyways.

So Lily closed her eyes and took a deep breath and when she opened them her eyes locked with James, and she instantly remembered what Marlene had said: _He thinks about you all the time_. Giddy affection melted across her chest as his hazel eyes bore upon her and the memories from the past year seemed to elapse into hazy pictures through her mind. And she remembered his hands on her shoulders as he gently nudged her between classes and send her notes, or their snowball fight before Christmas that forced them to huddle by the fire for the rest of the night and the way his hands always felt so tender against her own.

It was as if Lily's hands acted on their own as she raised her wand and faced the instructor. Because looking at James entrapped her and without thinking too much she said: " _Expecto Patronoum_!"

And out her wand glittered a hardening silver light that formed into solid doe that instantly swept her in a shield of warmth. The doe came galloping towards her and she found herself caressing the mystical creature as the instructor gave an excited squeal.

"Well done Miss Evans! Well done. And fully formed! Not a wisp in sight."

Lily's eyes locked again with James, and she remembered his own galloping stag charging across the Charms classroom. And James was looking at her, his mouth agape as his eyes flickered between her and the doe and then back again. The glow of her Patronus encouraged the strength and security she had been lacking as the two of them made the connection. Even as the instructor moved on to the next student and Patrnous faded from view, she was left staring at James and collecting herself enough to remind herself that she was a capable witch that didn't need to be dependent on the attention of a singular male wizard. The glow between them was vanquished and the feeling of detachment increased tenfold.

The instructor dismissed the class, and Lily watched as James hastened to leave, not even waiting for his friends. She collected her belongings and was about to exit when she felt a shadow befall her. It was Severus. She exited anyways and he followed her out.

"Yes," she said icily.

"I saw your Patronus," he stated.

Standing in front of him, Lily looked at him more closely than she had in almost two years and even with meters between them she immediately noticed that his gaze was darker, more threatening than intimidating.

"You're point?"

"It's a doe."

Lily raised her eyebrows and waited for the continuation but he provided no further explanation. "Right, well if you have nothing to add I'm going to go."

She made to turn but he seized her wrist, and held it tightly around his closed hand. Her hair whipped him in the face as she glared at him and tried to pull her hand but he clenched her more aggressively.

"Let go," she said roughly, and tried to push him away but he didn't budge. "Let go or I'll scream." At the threat, Snape snarled at her and effectively removed his hand from her wrist that caused her to fall backwards and hit her head harshly against the wall. She stood up slowly and glared at him. "I don't understand why you corned me in the hallway but it's annoying. Don't do it again."

She turned to leave but his snarling voice rang behind her. "So you have a doe and Potter has a stag, how charming. How disgusting of you to completely go back on every word you had said about him."

Lily knew she shouldn't have turned around because this wasn't the Severus from her past but it seemed she couldn't help herself. It felt as if her and Severus had been on the verge of this argument for two years now.

"Not really your business though, is it?"

"If a rude, bullying, obnoxious know it all is your style then by all means. But don't fool yourself, Lily. His ego is what carries him around, not his legs though it seems you can't control what's between yours."

Lily looked on disgusted. "I don't even recognize you anymore. You're standing there in this fake glory but at least James respect me enough not to call me names, Severus."

"Respects you," Snape spat, moving forward but Lily took a step back that only seemed to drive him forward. "Potter doesn't respect you, Lily. But the way you practically whore yourself out too him gives him exactly what he wants. You're just one of his slags and the sad part is you were the stupid one to fall in love with him."

The echo of Lily slapping Snape rang down the hallway. She watched dazedly as Snape reacted and instinctively and pulled out his wand and pointed it at her. She flew backwards, her head bouncing against the cement wall in protest. She looked up to see him standing over her with a fake sense of authority that seemed to astonish even himself. She waited for her next curse as he once more pointed his wand at her but it never came.

Snape was lifted into the air and hung there with his robes billowing around him, and Lily opened her eyes to see James blazing furiously as he pointed his wand at Snape.

"You're filth, Snivellus," James' fumed, maintaining his wand pointed at his adversary, before releasing Snape into a semi unconsciousness collapse onto the ground. He rushed over to kneel besides Lily who he instantly took in his arms, and she wrapped her arms around him as he protected her.

"Are you alright?" he whispered anxiously as his arms moved up and down feeling for bruises. Lily flinched in his arms as he reached the back of her head, yet the way his hands bundled around her made her heartbeat simmer slower and the focus on his eyes on her thawed the fear drumming against her heart.

And she would have continued staring at his eyes, falling deeper into his embrace when a flicker in the side made her realize that Snape was no longer sprawled on the floor. He was standing vivaciously over her and James. At Lily's widened eyes, James twisted around and Snape cursed him: " _Sectumsempra_!"

James crumpled in her arms as blood splashed against her robes and hands, blubbering everywhere as Lily horrified yelled for James to maintain consciousness, not paying attention to the billowing robes of Snape walking away.

"James! James, you need to stay awake, you, you…" but his body was growing paler by the second and Lily sagged against his dead weight, pressing her hands uselessly against the massive gash across his chest as the red ink of his blood dripped onto the floor leaving a trail of evidence. Lily tried to move from under James' heavy body, gripping her wand and desperately hoping magic would spring from it.

 _You're going to be a Healer! You're going to be a Healer!_ She repeated through her brain at a constant. Those words took hold of her own body as she calmly moved from under James and examined his wounds. Taking him the hospital wing was out of the question as he would never make it that far with a sudden remedy and would potentially cause further damage.

James moaned in his comatose state as she moved her wand against his chest, whispering incantations she felt she had read a lifetime ago, spells she had sat in the library at twilight and read with Snape. And gradually, James wounds eased and stitched themselves together as the stream of blood discontinued.

Amazed, she momentarily stood in disbelief before James bleakly opened his eyes, and even in his shattered state touched her bent knee, " _Lily_."

"Shh," she said, caressing his hair. "I need to get you to the hospital wing. I need you to lean on me, 'kay? Think you can get up?"

Mutely, he nodded his head as she helped him stable himself with one arm wrapped around her shoulder, the other around his waist. With steady steps they moved down the corridor towards the hospital wing as she allowed James weight pressure against her shoulders and suppressed her tears of relief. For a few second there, it had felt so close, so close to ending because of what? Because of her friendship with Snape? The further she felt from that friendship, the more foolish she felt too enter it to begin with.

James and Lily made it to the hospital wing, and Madame Promfrey rushed forward uttering her rubbish of appall. She used her own magic to carry James to a bed and turned to face Lily in which she demanded to know what happened. But had happened? James tried to save her and he lost half the blood in his body because of it?

At her stalled response, Madame Pomfrey walked back to where James lay and pulled the curtains around him close and left her alone in the deserted corridor.

* * *

The rumors of the fight between James and Snape spread like wildfire around Hogwarts. The factoids about that fight after their Defense Against Dark Arts final were less than accurate, and it appeared no one even knew that Lily had been the catalyst.

Lily had not tried to visit James, unsure what her reception would be, and instead allowed herself to fall into the self pity pool as James remained in the hospital for his second night. Lily couldn't even lie to herself as she took a stroll around Hogwarts that she was deliberately leading herself towards the hospital wing to get a glance of him. But as she stood behind a statue and observed his three friends leaving for the night, Lily quietly moved towards the window of the door and smiled. Madame Pomfrey was serving James strict orders, and he had the most adorable pout.

She figured she had tested her luck enough at her stalking skills and was about to turn away until his head tilted to the side and made eye contact with her. She bit her lip and shuddered at the intensity of the gaze. She opened the door and walked towards his bed quietly so Madame Pomfrey wouldn't hear her.

"Hey," she murmured, coming forward. She found herself tucking herself into the seat by his bed. She played with the edge of the blanket that had fallen from his bed and once more made eye contact. The burning sensation sent shivers to her lungs. She tried not to pay attention to his bare chest that defined his athletic muscles. The burning sensation seemed to lower down her stomach.

"Hey yourself," James murmured. He tugged the blanket out of her hand and replaced it with his own as he twined their hands together.

"How are you feeling?"

At her question, he squeezed her hand and brought their intertwined hands to his cheek that forced her to lean more closely over him. "Better, thanks to my savior."

Lily blushed at his words and nuzzled his cheek. "Don't exaggerate."

"I'm not," he said plainly, and Lily squirmed at the sincerity in his voice. "Why didn't you come sooner?"

Lily looked at his cheek instead of his eyes before raising them again and shrugged her shoulders. "Wasn't sure you wanted me too…"

"C'mere," he murmured and brought his free hand around her waist and lifted her effortlessly into his lap. He released his hand on his cheek and laid it down with his hands wrapping around her back. She looked into his eyes and he kissed her nose as she twined one hand around his neck the other clutching his bicep.

She snuggled into his neck, ignoring the sensation that something in the air had determinately changed between them. The ideology of their feelings were floating somewhere in the mist and were closer to the edge then ever before, and Lily was sure ignorance would no longer work for either of them. But momentarily she allowed herself to have this heartbeat.

He shifted their bodies that allowed them to face each other, their bodies still wrapped securely around each other with every inch of their bodies still touching. She could feel the heat between her legs, and held in her moan as he pulled her closer as his hand was splayed near her bottom. James ran a hand across her cheek before Lily copied him and traced the scar that now bore across his chest.

"Just another false alarm with Lily and the Dark Arts," she joked but her voice cracked.

To Lily's astonishment, James eyes filled with tears but he quickly pulled her into his chest and hugged her strongly. She curled her arm around his shoulders and pulled his head to her neck, feeling his hot tears splash against her skin as she cradled him. He continued to sob quietly until finally he sniffled wetly and she heard him chuckle soberly into her neck. She kissed his head and pulled back to see his bloodshot eyes and stroked his messy, messy hair.

"Goddammit," he groaned.

"James," she said softly, and touched his forehead gently. "Tell me."

"I just, Lily, I saw you laying there and all I could think was this was just the start. In a few months I'm going to be going off and one day, someone, something… I don't know- I just know I won't be there."

"Don't," she said, laying a reassuring hand against his hand. "You can't make predications like that."

Taking a deep breath, he rolled away from her and looked up at the ceiling. Lily remaining leaning at his side and continued stroking his hair. "All I want is for everything to be okay and I know it won't be."

"James," she said, pulling his chin and forcing him to stare into her bright green eyes. "You saved me this time. You can't think about the next time. You can't expect yourself to always be saving everyone around you. That's not your responsibility."

The words made sense, she could see it but the logic behind them didn't provide full impact because the notion of protecting those he cared about wasn't logical. The responsibility, the maturity of needing to protect those he loved would never be reassured with words.

"James," she whispered breathlessly, making an instant decision in the mist of their uncertainty. Their eyes locked as she leaned into his chest and kissed him. She pulled back and felt his breath hitch against hers as their eyes met. He brought his hands up to her face and brought her lips back to his. His lips were soft and warm against her own, and Lily sighed into his mouth as he deepened the kiss. His hands traced down her body, over her back to her hips down to her bottom and then back up again. Lily climbed more firmly atop him and felt him groan as she pressed against him. She felt every contour of his hard body against her own, and her breasts swelled as his hands moved closer to their sides.

His mouth sucked gently against her bottom lip, and she felt his tongue slip inside as he gently teased her before pressing more firmly against her mouth. She felt his body tense as her palms glided against him and up around his neck, pushing herself closer to him as his kiss became more demanding. Lily moved her hips against him, pressing her thighs between his legs as his hands moved over her shoulders and pushed her harder into him as she felt his hard length between them. And James explored her like a man starved, she moaned hungrily against him as if this was their chance, there very last chance for utopia together.

So they kept kissing, kissing for forever and a day until James slowly pulled away, breathing deeply as he stared intently into her eyes.

"Lily," he said sensually as he wrapped his arms securely around her. He moved them together to their sides once more, and kissed her lightly and she smiled as she lightly kissed him herself. He grumbled bringing her body into a hug and sucked at her neck. "I'm supposed to be mad at you," but his words remained useless as his hands couldn't seem to stop working themselves over her body, and his lips kissed every inch it could reach.

"I'm sorry, James," she said softly, moving her hands down his back and then up again. She pressed her chest more firmly into his. "Please don't-"

But he interrupted her less than heartfelt apology as he started kissing her again and the spark between them simmered deep in her body because Lily could feel the tangible chemistry between them. The way his lips floated over hers and moved to her cheek, neck, leaving soft trails of heat as they moved back to her lips.

"Lily," burning a path down her throat, he repeated her name with every kiss, sending nerves down her spine she didn't know she had. His fingers slid over her hips, his hand grasping her thigh tightly as she felt the intimate pleasure that made her shiver into his embrace.

"I need you," she whispered, slipping her hands around his neck as he lifted his head and looked down at her with his hazy eyes that left her vibrating. "Always have."

He groaned roughly into her neck and pulled away. He once more faced the ceiling with his hands bunched tightly to his sides. Lily was left staring at him in surprise that quickly turned into mortification as rejection swept through her.

"I'm sorry if I said too much…" the awkwardness left her unsure where to turn. At his continued silence she began to sit up. "Is it because of Snape? Because I didn't, I mean I wasn't spending time with him… He was just following me again."

"Again?" James demanded as his head snapped in her direction.

She nodded slowly. "But, there was never anything between us if that's what you are worried about. So not tainted with that dark arts stuff," she rambled dully.

"Tainted, where did that even come from?" James asked with a mixture of annoyance and exasperation.

She bit her lip and looked at anything but him and reminded herself that she was Lily; she was strong and she wasn't going to be crying about boys anymore. Well not in front of them anyways. "It's the reason everyone at Hogwarts has ignored me for seven years," she mumbled rolling away from him and swinging her legs off the bed with her back turned away from him.

She felt him get up, his body pressed against her back and move his hands smoothly up and down her shoulders. "You're not making a lot of sense, Evans."

She shrugged out of his embrace but he continued to sit up against her and his presence was soothing that stimulated her of admitting the thoughts she had never dared say out loud. "I came into Hogwarts with a Slytherin best friend and everyone thought I was this weird Muggle kid who seemed naïve and stupid for being friends with someone who was so obviously involved in Dark Arts and seemed destined to join the Death Eaters the second we graduated. So for seven years people haven't acknowledged me because I confuse them. And now I look stupid because everyone was right and I was wrong but I'm still disregarded because well, I was the one stupid enough to believe that a Slytherin could turn out alright."

James turned her around, his eyes soft as he gripped her firmly in his arms and held her quietly as she found herself inadvertently relaxing in his arms. He reached for her chin and forced her to look into his soft gaze.

"Lily," he said earnestly. "I don't care who you were friends with. Its just none of this was how I imagined it in my head."

"Imagined what?"

"Us, this. We're in the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey is around the corner getting ready to curse us I'm sure and I just want you so bad. That rubbish with Snape? I don't care about any of that and I liked you even when you were friends with him. You know I always have? Why do you think I've been so angry with you? Lily, you've had me wrapped around all your fingers the second I saw how powerful, beautiful and smart you were at the same time."

Lily looked up at his warm expression and kissed his bare chest. He cupped her cheeks and brought her lips towards his again as he ravished her mouth, the waves of happy pleasure reinvigorated as they spread through her veins as if her body was pulsing against his. She moaned loudly as his hands moved down to un-tuck her shirt when she heard the loud shriek of Madame Pomfrey.

"Are you MAD? OUT! OUT! In the hospital wing like scavengers. Have you lost your decency, Miss Evans? _OUT_!"

Lily jumped up and raced to the door as she heard James laughing loudly behind her as Madame Pomfrey continued shouting obscenities. Lily paused at the doorway and turned to face James they shared a quiet smile before she sprinted down the hallway, Madame Pomfrey's voice echoing in her wake.

* * *

James was released the next morning that left exactly two days before the Seventh Years would be whisked away from Hogwarts. And though she wasn't sure what exactly she had been expecting after their stolen moment in the hospital wing, what did happen was her worst-case scenario. She had fallen asleep dizzy with anticipation thinking about how his lips had traced over her face and how his hands had moved over her body.

So when James was released and he entered the common room with his arms raised like a champion, Lily waited patiently for his acknowledgement. But it never came. Oh, he wasn't outwardly ignoring her but was actively ensuring that she was surrounding by their group of friends. The constant surrounding of their friends guaranteed they wouldn't have a moment alone.

Disappointment swelled in her gut as she realized that James was actively avoiding her and his friends were helping him because as soon as she approached him Peter would pop up. Lily tried desperately to regain some posture hoping no one noticed how the prospect of her and James together had erupted all her senses and left her stripped. Their kiss had insured that she could no longer deny the volume of her feelings for him. The companionship James offered was so encompassing she was stricken that she had denied herself this sort of happiness for so long.

It seemed she had waited it out too long though. She should have kissed him years ago, and now they were about to leave. For all Lily knew, James was more than happy to get onto the Hogwarts Express without addressing their relationship at all. And maybe James hadn't felt that palpable chemistry. Maybe after all these years she really had left it too long.

Lily desperately tried not to let it get to her but as she lied uselessly in her bed the last night before they would board the train home, she stared despondently and explained to herself rationally that James just didn't want her. Her rationality was extremely harsh causing tears to fall rapidly down her face that only encouraged sobbing. The noisy tears encapsulated her last month of heartache and reminded her this was exactly what she had been trying to avoid to begin with.

As the sobs increased, the curtains to her four-poster bed were pulled violently open. Marlene and Mary stood over her then concerned. Marlene got right into her bed seeing her distress and hugged her tightly as Mary sat at her side and stroked hair.

"What's wrong?" Marlene asked as Lily continued crying ardently in her arms as Marlene and Mary looked at each other worried. It seemed this past month Lily had cried more than ever before.

Lily cried instead of answering because either way she wouldn't have been able to catch her breath, and instead responded to comfort the two girls provided her. As she begin relaxing in thier arms she finally croaked, "James." Though Mary didn't stop stroking her hair the tension was immediate. "We, we finally kissed and now he wants nothing to do with me."

A smile broke over Marlene's face as Mary jumped up and pointed at her. "You and James kissed?"

"Yes, but he wants nothing to do with me," she whaled.

"This is so stupid," Mary said to no one in particular. "I'm tired of waiting."

"Wh-What?" Lily hiccuped.

"Mary," Marlene intoned and pointed her gaze to Lily.

"Ugh, you girls. No. No more waiting! And I'm talking selfishly here. I want know the end of the story before its too late and all we have is a few hours tomorrow. No, no. We are going to solve this once and for all."

"Mary!" Lily chocked, jumping up after her before Mary reached the door. "Y-you can't just-"

"I can and will," she determined and Lily almost wanted to smile at her audacity that only spurred her own courage.

"I need to face this alone without everyone watching… this time."

"Maybe he needs everyone to make a decision!"

"Maybe, but I would prefer to do it alone," Lily persisted. "Maybe the problem has been that it's been so public, maybe we need to do it privately. I don't know but you're right."

"I am?" she asked shocked.

"Yeah," Lily said warmly. "I'm going to talk to him tomorrow no matter what. I promise to tell you all about it."

Mary hesitated but let the subject drop and pushed Lily's hair back from her forehead sincerely. "You deserve more than you're allowing yourself."

Lily smiled and hugged her. "Thank you, Mary."

As Lily went back to bed she agreed with Mary on one thing, this definitely deserved a conclusion. It was also her last chance. It was that determination that had Lily marching down the stairs to breakfast and looking around for James. Surprisingly, he wasn't congregated around friends.

"Where's James?" she demanded as they looked at her stupidly with food in their mouths.

"Uh," Peter mumbled and Lily raised her eyebrows at him.

"If you don't tell me I will curse you."

"Lily…" Remus began but Lily switched her gaze to him asking her to test her.

"Where?"

A moment of silence before Sirius revealed, "By the lake."

With that Lily turned around and made her way. Nothing was going to stop her now. And she found him easily enough sitting alone with his back to her, his feet in the water. She wanted to smack him against his head but restrained herself. She plopped down next to him and he didn't even flinch as she stared at him.

"James," she said when he didn't turn to face her. "James," she repeated and when he didn't answer her she glared fiercely at him. "I deserve more than this… please. Please don't do it this way."

He finally turned to face her, and his face was unreadable. "What do you want to know?"

Lily's fight evaporated at his apparent disinterest and suddenly Lily knew what was going to happen. "Right, so this is pointless."

He was caught off guard at her words, and she saw his jaw twitch as she stood and looked down at him. It was an act, she knew it was act but if was going to pretend that she didn't matter or pretend they didn't deserve a decent conversation then she would rather live in the unknown.

"So this is goodbye. So," and Lily looked at him and shrugged. "Goodbye."

"Lily," he said firmly, and got up. They stood facing each other and Lily desperately wanted him to make the grand gesture. Anything. "You were right before."

She remained silent as the settling reality that no grand gesture was coming just more tears.

"We are going in different directions and its unfair of both of us to be dedicated to each other when we will barely see each other."

She remained silent, refusing to acknowledge his baseless words, and her silence seemed to be the weakening tool to break him because when she didn't respond his gaze shifted from blank to distraught.

"Are you going to say anything?" he furiously demanded into her silence.

"What's there to say? It seems you've made all the decisions for us," she stated with a cool demeanor she didn't feel.

"Goddammit, Lily! Don't you see why can't be together? I am about to entire into a losing war. I'll be fighting VOLDERMORT! For god sake, say something!"

She stood there, arms crossed. "Good for you."

His eyes grew impossibly wide as he strode towards her and vehemently took hold of her shoulders. "Lily."

And then he kissed her, pushing fervently against her body. Lily gave in immediately as her arms wrapped automatically around his neck. His arms held her tightly to his chest as his mouth opened and his warm breath seeped into her own. The attraction, Lily told herself, was irresistible as each kiss deepened and she was wrapped more solidly against him, her entire body reacting against his in hinted potential pleasures. She arched as his hands splayed over her uniform, gripping her lightly as his hand moved to her bottom that made her tighten her hold on him. He let go lightly and looked deeply into her eyes but Lily brought his lips back to her own as his hands cupped her face and kissed with a desire Lily was sure would never be replicated.

She leaned against him as the pleasure of his touch seeped into her stomach, down between her thighs and James twisted his head away from her as he held her in his embrace. "No, Lily, no."

Lily refused and kissed his neck and she heard him moan in protest as he scrunched his hands in her hair. "Lily."

She released him and looked into his eyes that were dark with desire, but she could see the tug of war in his eyes, the desperation for her to discontinue. "James, don't do this."

"I, I. Lily this is the hardest, believe me the hardest thing I have ever done."

She pushed him away and the force of the unexpected inertia caused him to trip over his feet and fall on the ground. "If you do this I am not waiting for you."

He got to his feet, not breaking eye contact and with a resolve she wished he didn't have. "I don't want you too."

Her breath hitched and she glared at him as tears pooled around her eyes and with a wretched heart she saw tears in his eyes. "But I love you," she whimpered pathetically as she finally succumbed to sobs.

He started but she flinched away from him. "Lily." He grabbed her and brought her back to his embrace. "You know, you know how much I've been in love with you. I don't remember not being in love with you. I'm doing this for you."

She only further cried at his words because how had it come to this? How could they be so close but separated so far from each other? She let him hold her because there was no changing his mind and she would allow herself his arms now, this moment, because she knew it would probably be the last. So she let him stoke her hair in front of the lake and then hold her on the Hogwarts Express and when they exited the train and stood in the platform embracing for what felt like the last time ever she looked into his eyes with desperate tears as she clung to him as if the image of him would disappear, as if it had all been a dream.

"Please," she said and clutched him.

He hugged her tightly, and she felt his own tears on her skin and with the dust of the platform and the steam from the Hogwarts Express, James lowered his head once more, one more kiss to memorize the feeling, the one she was sure would haunt her. And she kissed him back with everything she knew to make sure he would never forget, because she would never forget. And when he released her, he looked at her once more before he was gone from between her fingers.

* * *

TBC

 _AN: I am sorry for the long wait! The summer proved crazier then expected. I promise the next one won't be that long... I have it all planned so hopefully smooth like butter._


	3. Memories are Magic

No Headlights in Paradise

Chapter Three – Memories are Magic

Song Choice: Haunted (Michael Diamond Remix) – Beyoncé

* * *

" _I'm doing this for you... This is the hardest thing I've ever done... I love you, Lily... Believe me, believe me, believe me."_

The words were wafted like a repetitive drum beat against her head, and Lily heavily opened her eyes as she took in light of the day emerging from the window. The words, the final touches, his breath, it followed her with every movement as they seeped into her veins, haunting her. Because she still remembered the feel of his hands moving down her body, his whispered yearnings, the feel of his hand on her cheek that had her lower body withering. She couldn't escape it, she didn't want too.

" _I love you, Lily,"_ He had breathed into her hair before vanishing. He had told her he loved her, repeated it. But he was gone. She blinked slowly and took a deep breath. Was this what love was?

She ached. She was sore. And it made moving into her new apartment difficult because everything lately was a struggle. Listening to new voices, acknowledging new homes. The sun felt like it was beating ferociously against her smooth skin as she tried to soothe into her new surroundings. But it was foreign and she felt lost, mystified in overcast that had lingered ever since leaving behind the train station in London.

With a new roommate, a new apartment, a new school it should been shiny and original, a perfect opportunity for Lily to begin anew. But James wouldn't vacate her thoughts. And she let him stay there as she redrew his eyes, touched his hair, traced his smile… If she closed her eyes tightly enough she could almost imagine he was holding her in his arms, his breath against her neck.

She snapped her eyes open at the sensation. She was lying alone in bed. Alone. James wasn't coming for her.

"Accept it."

Her own words echoed, thundering in her ears as she climbed up and sat crossed legged in her alien surroundings.

"Hey! The sandwiches are ready."

Lily looked up and saw her new roommate standing in her open doorway. Sienna Montgomery, a blazing witch from America, had been listed as a potential living mate and when Lily had received her positive NEWT scores she had sent an owl to the girl. America, having a roommate from there, to Lily, felt entirely fresh. It was far away from the potential recast of Hogwart's roommates that had been waiting for her. And Sienna was vibrant, her energy blossoming into anything she touched even effecting Lily's glazed over arrival. Tall and gorgeous, Sienna didn't pry into why Lily was quiet or ask her questions. Lily wasn't sure the kind of impression she had left on her new roommate but she was grateful she didn't seem to be judging her to critically on it.

Both being Muggle born, they seemed to have an easy appreciation of each other; though it appeared Sienna hadn't nearly suffered as much for her Muggle birth as Lily. The two had yet to formally bond considering it had only been two days since the girls had moved into the apartment but Lily already knew she had finally made a successful decision. For Sienna, from first introductions, was carefree and untroubled that allowed Lily to feel at ease. And Lily remained determined not to isolate herself this time.

At this point, it seemed the only thing Lily did have was this apartment and her potential friendship with Sienna. Lily had spent two long and draining weeks with Petunia and Vernon. Their new house in Surry was immaculate, clean and new that Petunia harshly reminded her that if she spilled anything she would be kicked out instantly. Lily had grudgingly accepted the second-class behavior from her sister because she had nowhere to go before her classes started. And though Petunia had accepted her younger sister into her home, she had no problem reminding Lily that she was intruding on their honeymoon period of newlyweds. _Barf_ , was Lily's silent response.

The second she could escape she did. To others, maybe moving in three months early would be daunting and saddening but even with James haunting her Lily knew this could be her chance. So she invested. Her room was a white purple and pink with lavender sheets and an almost white pink shade on the walls. Her off-white bed was reminiscent of Parisian stylistic features with carved wooden panels with the addition of silky Jersey covers entailed a welcoming comfort. The sunlight shone deeply into her room that provided her the feminine outlook she had always desired. No more clashing Gryffindor red.

Lily yawned at her before smiling shyly and getting up. "Thanks."

"Not a problem."

Sienna moved back to the kitchen and stood over the stove with a spatula in hand, her boyfriend jeans hanging limply from her figure with her overwhelming bordeaux sweatshirt hanging on her shoulders. Her long blonde hair was dangling in all directions as it fell limp from bun at the top of her head. There was no denying that Sienna was the definition of cool and Lily tried to ignore the feeling of being drab in her old brown sweater and faded blue jeans.

Lily sat across from Sienna on the bar stools they had acquired and watched as she flipped a sandwich easily.

"Okay, now I know we are magical and whatever but sometimes it's just easier to use Muggle weaponry!" Sienna declared as the cheese from the sandwich burned against the pan.

"Don't try saying that out loud," Lily said. "Some people already think Muggles killed wizards to get their magic."

Sienna grimaced and rolled her eyes at the idea as she placed the sandwiches in separate flowery plates.

"People these days," Sienna joked as she took her plate. "Want to eat on the porch?"

Lily nodded and they took their sandwiches past the lightly billowing curtains and sat in the two beach chairs they had found on the sidewalk that Sienna insisted they bring upstairs with them.

Lily took in her setting before taking a small bite, and then instantly groaned as the melted cheese consumed her senses. "This is amazing! What is this?"

"Grilled cheese, don't tell me you've never had it before!"

"I don't think so…" Lily said as she took another bite. "Did you put tomatoes in it?"

"Yup and a pound of butter so we should probably take a jog after this," Sienna teased as she chomped down on it.

"My dad used to make these when we were kids. Whenever I came home from school he just stacked these up for me. I never got enough."

"It was just your dad then?" Lily asked.

"Yeah," she said wistfully. "He's the best. My mom died when I was five and he just he took care of all of us. I'm sure it was much tougher on him then he let on but he never let on, you know? What about you?"

"It's just me and my sister now. Not that she's much. Ever since I got my letter from Hogwarts she happily reminded me that I am a freak."

"What?" she asked shocked.

"Yeah…we've only grown more apart since our parents died too. It makes me sad," Lily admitted.

"I can't even imagine… I'm so sorry."

Lily shrugged but gave Sienna a small smile of assurance. "I got used too it. I had Hogwarts and that was my home. Now I get to create a new one."

Sienna gave her a genuine smile and squeezed her hand. "It will be incredible. Cornwall has no idea what is coming towards it."

They finished their sandwiches, and Lily went inside to make them tea. She returned with two steaming mugs that Sienna greedily took from her hands sighed into the heat.

"It's so cold! It's supposed to be June too," she complained. "We should be going to the beach but I'm wearing a sweatshirt."

"Welcome to England," Lily said wryly.

"How have you done it for so long?" Sienna asked so seriously that Lily cracked a smile.

"Think of it this way… Cornwall is cold but we can look out at the water. Hogwarts was in the middle of nowhere and in Scotland. Colder."

"Ugh. Horrible," she shivered.

"Wasn't your school in Boston?"

"Nope. Washington State... but you're right in that Boston is like the London of Wizarding life in America. That's where the Congress is located anyway."

Lily brought her legs up to the chair and looked out to the lights dancing against the water. "Where are you from in the States?"

Sienna grinned. "Texas." Lily laughed and Sienna shrugged happily. "Houston. It's great," Sienna said with a nostalgic smile.

"Explains the weather epidemic you have."

"Yeah… I mean it can get cold like maybe four days of the year but mainly its warm."

"You miss it?" Lily asked softly and Sienna turned to her and gave her timid smile.

"All the time," she answered honestly as she mirrored Lily and hugged her legs, and set the cup down on the floor. "I just miss my family mainly. Every summer my dad has these elaborate barbeques and all the neighbors come over and it's just fun. My brothers are total goofballs."

"How many brothers do you have?"

Sienna gave her a broad grin. "Three. It's hell but I love them. I'm kinda in the middle. I mean I have two older brothers, Jack and Hunter. And than a younger one, Stuart," she said. "I'm probably closest with Stu though I don't know… I love them all. I just feel far away from them, now more so than usual."

"Then why come to England?" Lily asked quietly as she took another sip hoping Sienna wasn't offended by the question considering Lily was sure if she had a family she would have wanted to stay with them.

"I don't know… the school in the America didn't feel any closer. The Healing school actually is in Boston and I figured if I was going to go that far well, why not England? Though I think my dad was disappointed. I think he thought I was finally going to be around."

"Did he have a hard time with the whole magic thing?"

"Nah… I mean, it was a shock in the sense the 'wow magic' but then I think the second thing out of his mouth was 'oh, well that makes sense, explains why you're weird.' And then he hugged me told me not to forget where I came from. My brothers love it especially now that I can actually perform magic at home," she smiled wickedly at Lily. "I helped Jack blow up the neighbors flower pots before I left. He kept heckling him because Jack is on the football team at University of Texas and they had a rough season…"

Lily couldn't help giggling at the adventures Sienna told her with her brothers that had the two girls talking well into the day as Sienna in hushed laughs told her about how Stuart never did his homework when he was younger and sent Sienna Muggle mail to her school asking for magical help and the caretaker was so confounded by the letter he read it aloud at dinner by accident. It was innocent and relaxed, and Lily didn't even notice that not once she thought about James.

"What about you?" Sienna asked as she finished up her latest story that left Lily in stiches. "What's your story?"

And just as the easily Lily had noticed she wasn't thinking about James it resurged. "Not that interesting, grew up in Cokeworth its uh east… came to Hogwarts at eleven like everyone else. Nothing to terrible…" _expect Snape, and Petunia, and James._

"What no boys?" Sienna acquired.

Lily shrugged non-responsively and Sienna looked her over and Lily knew instantly that Sienna was way more observant than she let on.

"You don't need to share it with me but you shouldn't hold it in," she murmured and Lily realized she hadn't spoken to anyone about what had happened and it begun to feel like boiling water surfacing against her throat.

"There was," Lily almost yelled before she could stop herself and looked up at Sienna almost desperately, Sienna sat back down slowly her face smooth, calming. "I, I had something… I don't really know how to explain it."

"How about the beginning?" she hinted.

"I don't think I can… I mean, we just never dated. We actually never even went on one date," she murmured hopelessly and looked up at Sienna and swallowed tightly. But Sienna sat by patiently and let Lily take her time. Let the tears trickle down her face and stayed silent as Lily explained it all to this random stranger who had shown her more compassion in the past two days then Lily was convinced anyone at Hogwarts ever had.

So she told her about Severus and his Dark Arts. How the failed relationship haunted her throughout her school career and the loneliness was overpowering. And how James had come on in what felt like a white horse and rescued her from that loneliness and suddenly all his friends were her friends and she felt safe and happy. Expect that she never thought that his friends had a price tag but it suddenly felt as if he was hers and she was his and he became everything to her…

"One day I woke up and I was just so in love with him it was as if I couldn't breath. But I was too scared to do anything about it because the day before I was convinced I hadn't been… And he would look at me and I would want to blurt it and then days I didn't want to blurt it because I was too scared of losing him. Then I would make all these justifications in my head like 'we don't have enough time' but all I ever wanted was for him to be touching me or talking to me or just being alone with me."

She explained to her the public embarrassment of the fight, the make out on the hospital bed and how he ignored her afterwards. How all of that hurt more then losing Snape, losing Petunia. When she finished and looked up at Sienna, she saw no judgment, pity or concern. Her eyes were kind, they were soft and loyal.

"I think I feel better," Lily actually said with a laugh as she sipped her untouched tea.

"I'm sure holding onto all that for so long didn't feel good."

Lily laughed a bit before shrugging. "I didn't really have anyone to share it with to be honest."

She looked at Sienna and it seemed Sienna knew, she didn't need to explain this part at all. "Well know you do."

They were quiet for a moment and Lily took deep breaths as her tears dried, and whatever was lodged in her throat relaxed. The air seemed to change around her, truly and Lily felt lighter, less trigger-happy.

"I've gotta ask… you haven't spoken to James since then?"

With a grim smile she shook her head. "No…"

"What about your other friends?"

"They were all his friends, really so no. Doubt they will too."

"Well," Sienna said seriously. "Their loss."

She got up so suddenly that Lily jumped and stared hard down at her. "We are going to go out and have fun tonight. You're going to forget about these silly Marauders. Find us some cute boys and remind you that there are many fish in the sea."

Lily couldn't help acquiescent. "Okay..." Maybe that really was what she needed, to just get out, meet new and move on. James wasn't coming after her.

"You know, I heard the boys down the hall talking. I swear I heard them using our language like they were talking about Hogwarts. We should investigate that later," Sienna said as she went with Lily to her room and looked through her closet. "What is this?" she asked horrified as she picked up a crumpling skirt.

Lily gave a helpless laugh. "A skirt?"

"We need to work on this," Sienna said intently. "This is not acceptable."

Together the girls ruffled through Lily's closet, with Sienna taking liberty and throwing things away, aghast that she had let her wardrobe get to this point.

"I mean, I know we are witches but Lily, c'mon!" she said holding up a pair of shirts that had holes.

They finally found a Sienna appropriate outfit that consisted of Sienna's cloths for Lily that was a light pink dress that swirled around Lily in all the right parts and left most of her back bare exposed expect for two thin strings that kept the dress a float.

"I think you're going to need stockings," Sienna said as she put on her own dress, a tight, royal purple long sleeved dress.

"Yeah?" she said as she already started rolling them on her. "I think I'm starting to agree with you. This is much to cold for June."

They walked together to the local pub, wobbling happily on the cobblestones and ignoring the stares they received from the strangers as they giggled at random walkers. Sienna's enthusiasm was infectious and Lily enjoyed walking through the old city with her as they pointed out beautiful sites or stores they wanted to come back too. They window-shopped the entire way, discussing how they wanted their apartment to be, enjoying the company of each other. They entered the crowded pub, which was dark and the floor sticky but it provided the necessary local atmosphere that showed everyone knew each other and was having a jolly time.

"Lily," Sienna said in a conspiratorial tone. "Those are the boys I was talking to you about." She pointed to a far corner where a group of rowdy boys were playing darts and arrows. "We need to go there."

"Wh-no!" But Sienna was already making her way through the crowd, grabbing Lily's hand without listening to hesitancy as she sat at the closet nearby table to them.

"Should we get a drink?" Sienna asked as she put her bag down and looked at Lily expectantly.

Lily sighed, giving in. "A pint of whatever you're having."

Sienna winked at her as she turned away and Lily was left staring at the establishment. The only bar she had ever been in was the Three Broomsticks. This was a far cry from that as it was most definitely a Muggle bar and filled with a variety of old and young.

Sienna returned with their drinks and a tall blonde guy. _Of course_.

"See Lily, I knew they were wizards," Sienna said slyly as she slipped onto her seat and beamed at the boy who was now towering over both of them.

The boy laughed at her comment and pulled out his hand to Lily. "Caleb Bellamy."

"Lily Evans," she said shaking his hand and her head.

Turning to Sienna she asked. "Did you just go up to him and ask him if he was a wizard?"

They both laughed. "Of course not!" she said. "He told me my wand was sticking out. It kind of rolled from there." Lily joined into the laugher at that.

"You girls new?" he asked conversationally as he slipped into the empty seat but before either of them could answer he whistled at his friends who turned at the sound and seemed instantly to brighten up that his friend had found girls and looked them up and down. Lily flushed as one of them made eye contact with her. "Fellas, we got ourselves some newbies."

Immediately they all seemed to congregate around the now crowded table and Sienna looked at Lily and winked in triumph.

"This is Sienna and Lily," Caleb introduced.

"You girls go to Hogwarts?" The tall dark redhead asked but Sienna shook her head.

"Nope, America all the way," that had all the boys either laughing to impress her or smiling. "Lily did."

Lily gave a tight smile as all eyes focused on her. "Just graduated."

"Quick," one of the boys said. "Usually people take a year off, can't handle all that studying. I know I couldn't!"

"That's cause you're useless," one said flicking him against the ear. "Lily flower here has much more brains than you."

Lily grimaced at the name and they all laughed at her reaction but she mumbled a "true" that had everyone at the table laughing.

"This is Samson," Caleb pointed to the boy who lacked 'brains'. "Ezra and Smetty."

With introductions out the way, Sienna was totally in her element. She chatted away with the boys, each of them seemingly enthralled with every word. Lily, true to form, remained quite and only answered when acknowledged even though Sienna did make effort to continuously keep her included. But her laconic replies left her largely out of the main conversation. But she compromised with herself that this was a different atmosphere and she just needed time getting used too everything.

"Hey," a voice said near her ear and Lily whipped her hair around that caught the boy. "Ouch."

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Lily begun, as she started moving, unsure what she planned on doing but the boy seemed amused and brought his hands to her shoulders.

"It's okay," he offered and let her go as Lily stopped wiggling about. "I didn't catch your name."

"Lily Evans," she answered as if she was apologizing. "You're Smetty."

"Yeah," and he seemed surprised she even remembered.

"Short for something?" she asked interested.

"Hippocrates Smethwyck," he said deadpanned and Lily let out a snort of laughter until she realized he was serious. "Sorry, it's just could your parent's couldn't have been anymore obvious, could they?"

Smetty offered her an assuring smile and laughed. "I come from a long decedents of Healers. Don't think I had much of a choice."

"Must have been made fun of a lot with a name like that," she murmured.

He gave her a sober look but Lily could see the teasing behind it. "Hippo, Smutty, you name it."

"Yeah?" But after that Lily didn't have much to offer and remained idol as she played her pint.

"This your first year?" he asked.

"Yes… You?"

"No, I'm actually a Field Healer right now. Filling in all my final requirements before I begin my residency at St. Mungo's as a Healer in Training."

"A Field Healer?" Lily asked, unfamiliar with the term.

"You know after you've completed the two year academic period, there's the three year application period?" Lily nodded. "There are a few options but I chose to a be a Field Healer. I'm finishing up though so I am mainly in reserves and working more as a Teaching Assistant but when the Auror's need Healers on the ground they call me or anyone else who has active reserve training."

Lily's stomach abruptly dropped at the word Auror that made it hard for her to hear anything else that came out of his mouth. She tried to gain her focus back but her heartbeat was out of control, which made it impossible for her to look Smetty or anyone else's in the eyes; especially as they all seemed to join the conversation at once. Her wild eyes made contact with Sienna who, though outwardly did not acknowledge the obvious distress signals, took the reins of the conversation.

"Wow, with the Aurors! Is it hard to get accepted?" Sienna asked.

"Depends on your qualifications, there's a special program for it here that makes it easier but it all depends if you are interested in the Dark Arts and want to work with it," Smetty said turning to her. "I came here for that program so it fits."

"Do they call you a lot?" Sienna asked.

"Lately less because I told them I need some time to refocus on studying for my Healer exams. But whenever they'll need me I have to go. Being in the reserves is part of the qualifications of joining the program."

Before Lily lost her confidence she asked: "Do you work with the Auror Academy too?"

The group looked over at her curiously and Lily explained. "It's just a lot of my friends just joined, from Hogwarts that is."

The faces turned sympathetic. "Not really because they aren't on the field yet. I think they join the field only a year afterwards… I'm not sure honestly, it probably depends what order they join, how elite they become within the Auror division."

"I bet they took whoever they could with everything going on," Caleb said.

"Is it hard to get in to this program at Cornwall?" Lily asked quietly.

Smetty gave her a curious glance. "Interested?"

"Maybe."

"It's hard but doable. They used to accept only five to seven every year but this year I think they broadened it as they need more Field Healers now."

"This sounds crazy. I bet you've seen some insane things," Sienna asked eagerly as Lily clamped up again after her questions were answered.

The boys laughed at Smetty who begun to answer but was interrupted. "Mate, don't steal our thunder already," Ezra said.

But Smetty shrugged and became somber. "Lately it's just been horrible. On both sides."

"With the war?" Sienna asked at the same time Samson asked, "Both sides?"

Smetty became thoughtful as he turned towards Samson. "It's humanity on both sides. It's best we don't forget that as we try to bring peace."

"I never understand why you joined to help the Auror's fight the Dark Arts but you remain such a pacifist," Samson uttered shaking his head that had agreed murmur from Ezra.

"I think you misunderstand my point, Samson," and the table around them became hushed even as the dwelling only grew louder. Lily's shattering heartbeat seemed to be replaced with the marvel of the political argument and wondered if this was what real life was. People with fully formed opinions. "Am I saying the Aurors are superfluous? Of course not. At any given moment they are working tirelessly to stand between the destruction of the Wizarding race and its annihilation from the Death Eaters. But we must remember that Auror power can only prevent. It can only prevent tragedy, prevent annihilation, prevent mass injury to the Wizard world but it will never _win_ because our goals cannot be achieved through Auror power."

His words imploded into Lily's mind and she stared at Hippocrates Smethwyck in an entirely new light. Because she was staring not at a single-minded childhood boy but a man who had fully formed opinions based on real experiences. He wasn't speaking based on his own theory but based on his application… The subject was enchanting her, the idea of Aurors, fighting the war, what it meant and what it would achieve in the end bewitched her.

"This is way to serious," Caleb finally intervened even though Lily didn't want to stop talking about this; she needed more as questions rapidly flipped over in her head.

Smetty nodded his head and the group became quite even with Caleb's interruption.

"You went to Hogwarts?" Caleb finally asked her as Lily could see the quiet bothered him.

"Yeah…"

"Us too. What House where you in? I don't remember you," Caleb asked.

"Well you would have been at least five years older than her," Sienna offered dryly and Lily smiled gratefully.

"Gryffindor."

The boys laughed heartily. "Explains why you know so many people joining the Auror Academy. Gryffindor, you crazy kids."

Lily was mildly offended before Smetty gave her a kind smile. "Don't take offense to these idiots they just doesn't understand the concept of bravery and loyalty."

The boy who had said the comment sputtered and Lily offered Smetty a grateful smile.

"Where you in Gryffindor?" she asked hopefully.

"Ravenclaw though Caleb was," and Lily looked over at him and tried to think if she remembered him but he would have been a Fifth Year when she started…

The conversation flowed out of the initial awkwardness and well into the night, and though the boys originally had appeared a bit arrogant to Lily, she found herself enjoying their jokes and manner that even though it reminded her of the Marauders it provided her a semblance of comfort. She especially enjoyed Smetty as she found his remarks truthful, insightful and impactful. She had just never met anyone like him before but then again most of the people she had been surrounded with had been school children.

So the summer waved in this similar grace and the group of four boys plus her and Sienna began spending more and more time together that included going to the pub every night or during the day on Sundays, tanning at the beach or hiking trails. It was laid back, it was fun and Lily, for the first time in her life, had friends. These friends seemed to wake her up because waking up was fun. Because waking up meant playing chicken in the water with Ezra and Caleb, day drinking with Sienna and Samson, shopping for antiques or going camping with the entire group. It meant spending more time with Smetty and learning from him.

And these traditions didn't evaporate when school began, if anything they became stronger. More traditions arising with them like getting breakfast every Saturday and then shopping afterwards, with the boys coming over in the afternoon and Sienna and her cooking for them a Saturday lunch before they would rest and go out. Lunch during the school week was a formal affair that had them roaring in various spots on the school grounds, and studying in the library had never been less productive and more fun for Lily. She had once even got kicked out because Samson had kept blowing his voice up with his wand. They formed a squad on campus and Lily was more than included, she was essential.

Once the school year had begun, Lily had applied for the Auror Field Healer program and was accepted. The secretary who shared the news of her acceptance with her whispered that Albus Dumbledore himself had personally sent in a letter of recommendation, something she hadn't seen in the fifteen years she worked there. Lily was delighted but Smetty was correct as the program accepted ten new students instead of the competitive five. The training, spells and lessons were exceptionally hard and disgusting to learn. Learning in the program meant learning tactics and strategies of the Aurors in the field in order for the Healers to be prepared when they had to join missions or operations. These lessons made her somehow feel closer to James as she imagined she was learning what he was actually doing. But the amount of studying and homework was dreadful and impossible. It was just another reason she was becoming indebted to Smetty who would stay up and study with her, assist her whenever she was unsure and talk with her when she felt like her brain was melting.

Lily walked back to her apartment alone and she pondered happily how this was a rare occurrence. When she halted: she hadn't thought about James all day. Not only had she not thought about James today, she hadn't thought about him yesterday or the day before she was pretty sure. She was triumphant as she made her way back to the apartment and thought to herself time does heal all wounds.

When she unlocked the door, she found Caleb and Sienna studying on the floor in the living room and grinned cheerfully at them. Though Caleb had been putting the steady moves on Sienna all summer, Sienna played ignorant of them. When Lily mentioned her thoughts on Caleb's feelings, Sienna explained bluntly: _"I can't just go for the first British guy who makes the moves. Anyways, blondes were never my style."_

Lily felt bad for Caleb but Sienna had her own rights and she could never be against her. For Sienna had become Lily's "person." Her one person she could admit anything to without shame and could depend on her with full trust. It was solace she had never really known before but having someone on her side no matter how fiercely she was wrong was, well, nice.

"Hey, Evans," Caleb said as she closed the door.

Lily ignored the impact of how it felt for someone else to call her "Evans" but nodded "hi" before heading towards the kitchen to make herself a sandwich. It was Friday afternoon, a month since school started and Lily was exhausted, wanting nothing more then to cuddle in bed and read a book or daydream.

"What are your plans for the night, girls?" Caleb asked closing his book and moving to stand up and stretch.

"Nothing definite," Sienna answered copying his actions.

"Perfect, we are going to the pub."

"I don't know," Lily said as she looked up from the cutting board where she was chopping a tomato, and the two pair of eyes looked at her.

"What, Lily, no! It's Friday night, we are going out. It doesn't need to be with these dweebs though," Sienna pointed her thumb at Caleb who made a mock sigh of hurt by putting his hands over his heart.

"Lily, come one," Caleb said as he came over and sat on the barstool. "Smetty will be there…"

"I don't know why that is supposed to be an incentive," she said pointing her knife at him.

"You know magic can do that, right?"

"Ugh, you're like a train that won't stop talking," Lily said, sitting her knife down and glowering at him.

"So that means you're coming, right?" Caleb said smiling easily as he got up.

"Ugh, fine!"

Sienna laughed at the display and let Caleb out, telling him they would be around the pub at eight.

"Drinks will be had," he said down the hall.

"He is so annoying sometimes," Lily said before taking a bite of her sandwich.

Sienna rolled her eyes and started preparing her own sandwich and looked over at Lily who was now sitting on the barstool. "Smetty will be there though…"

"Why does everyone think that means something to me?" Lily asked defensively.

"Hey," Sienna relented. "All I know is that Caleb told me he was thinking of asking you out, wasn't sure though if you fancied him though."

Lily's mouth dropped open and gapped. "Wh-What?"

Sienna started laughing hysterically at Lily's expression and held her stomach as she tried to sit up straight. "Lily, have you really never thought about it?"

Lily shook her head because the idea of other boys really had been a far away thought. Even though she didn't think about James as much anymore it didn't mean she wasn't still in love with him… Smetty had made some sort of impact on Lily but on the base of someone Lily admired, a mentor.

Sienna stopped making her sandwich and looked at her plainly. "Lily, I know you had this ordeal with James and you told me you weren't ready to move on but Smetty is a good guy. He's an older guy. He won't play you around like James did and his ambition isn't to go off fighting Voldermort. You hear how he talks. Maybe you should just think about it a little longer."

Lily and Sienna arrived at the pub decked out. Lily had decided maybe she would consider the idea of Smetty. He after all considered the idea of her. With Sienna's help she chose a pair of high waist black, tight jeans ripped at her knee with a white, silky long sleeved shirt and a mustard scarf. She decided to put on red lipstick and for whatever materialistic reason it made her feel edgy. With the click of her boots on the ground the girls made their way over to the guys who were already sitting around a table with a pitcher of beer.

Today, the pub felt more crowded than usual, even for a Friday night and Lily and Sienna seriously considering Appariting to their table. When the boys did see Sienna and Lily they whistled that left Lily blushing as she happily took a drink from Caleb and sat herself next to Smetty.

"Looking good, Evans," Caleb said as his eyes roamed her down. Lily heated at the gaze but flushed when Smetty's eyes met hers.

Sienna hit Caleb over his head at his obvious lusty gaze and they all laughed.

The conversation flowed between the friends as always, and Lily found herself noticing for the first time the special attention Smetty was giving her as he bought her drinks, kept her in the conversation or played a game of darts with her and let her win. It was funny how attention from males wasn't something Lily was entirely used to considering James chased them off the second he decided Lily was his own property. Once she only had eyes for James she wouldn't have noticed the attention from males unless it was from James even if it slapped her in the face. But having Smetty so obviously pay attention to her was flattering and flustering at the same time. She remained unsure of her feelings however. She privately admitted to herself that he was handsome, extraordinarily effective as a Healer and gentle. Maybe gentle was exactly what she needed.

The group sat around the pub even as it started thinning out and continued to refill their pitcher. A few lingering groups remained surrounding them and when the pitcher was empty and not instantly refilled, Lily offered to get it.

As she approached the bar she did a double take at a table close by and narrowed her eyes at a broad frame with thick hair leaning over a group of men and one woman. She couldn't see his face but he felt oddly familiar. He must have been someone from Hogwarts, Lily concluded, as there were tons roaming around. Leaning against the bar as she waited for a new pitcher, her eyes landed again on the mystery figure. She ignored the sensation to study him but there was something about the way he was leaning, standing confidently as he moved his hands around… Her heartbeat quickened and was shaken out of reverie by the bartender.

"Love, your pitcher," he said and Lily looked at him startled.

"Pitcher, right thanks," she said briskly, grabbing her order and tried moving to her table swiftly. Back to her friends. Her safe haven.

Forty more meters. Thirty more meters. Twenty more- a body blocked her and she looked up into the eyes of none other than Sirius Black. The pitcher collapsed onto the floor, shattering on the ground as the golden liquid spilled everywhere and a silence engulfed the entire pub as a few bus boys came rushing over and immediately started cleaning. But Lily paid them not heed because her eyes were locked with Sirius' and even though from the back of her eye she saw her friends get up and start moving towards them it didn't matter. Because the next second she was sheltered fiercely into his arms and hugged tightly by him.

He smelled like old spice and the woods, the Marauders always smelled like the woods. She sniffed into his black sweater and the comfort of touching something from home was all consuming, and when Sirius tried to release her she stayed in his arms because it was Sirius. An artifact that proved Hogwarts was once her home. A memory that reminded her that James did in fact exist. That he did love her…

"Merlin, Sirius," she uttered as he hugged her again and Lily laughed as she pulled away and examined him closely and saw that he had gained muscle in his shoulders and arms but his face looked worn, tired, drained.

"I forgot you went here," he muttered as he left her in his arms. "It's so good to see you."

"Are you here alone-?" Lily asked as she looked over his shoulder but didn't recognize any of the faces that seemed to be staring dumbly at them. She imagined her friends weren't any better.

"James isn't here," he said kindly but straight to the point and Lily wanted to feel guilty but even so, seeing Sirius felt so good. There was something about Sirius Black that always brought a smile to her face.

"What are you doing here? Are you okay? How are you?" Lily started but even before she could begin, her friends and his own group came over and all Lily wanted to do was escape and question him for hours. She had some much bottled inside of her. So many questions to ask.

Funny, how only today she had thought she had moved on. But had she moved on or merely forgotten? What did it mean that the second she saw Sirius she wanted all the answer, about James and himself, Marlene and Mary? The reminder of Sirius made her ravenous for it.

"Lily," Smetty stated firmly and made his way towards her.

She was forced to turn around and look at her staggered friends.

"Oh, sorry!" Lily said quickly. "Sirius these are my friends from school," pointing to the group. "Sirius was a friend from Hogwarts. I haven't seen him since we graduated," she turned back to him and grinned but Sirius was staring intently at Smetty and Lily felt the tension thicken.

She looked over at Sienna, who always knew what to do, and though she seemed to be gazing at Sirius dazedly she seemed to snap out of it and take control at Lily's shove. "It's great to meet you!" she said taking his hand without him realizing what was happening and his eyes met hers and stilled. Sienna, after all, was gorgeous and had that effect on most men, even the notorious Sirius Black. "I've heard _so_ much about you."

It was clear to Sirius that Sienna meant James but it seemed to do the trick and Sirius grinned at her before looking over at Lily. "Yeah?"

Lily blushed but smiled anyways. She couldn't help but going back into his arms, she felt secure.

"Who are your friends?" Sienna volunteered, and Lily had never been more grateful.

"This is Caradoc, Edgar and Dorcas. This is Lily Evans."

They all nodded their heads at each other and Dorcas gazed at Lily intrigued before turning to Sirius. "I think we'll head out."

He nodded but kept his grip firm on Lily. "I'll stay, meet up later."

She nodded slowly as Sirius's group clasped him on his back. "You need to be back before noon."

"I know, Dorcas," Sirius said clearly. Lily felt Dorcas give her a gaze over once more before leaving with the group.

Lily had a million and a half questions for Sirius but knew they would have to wait once they were alone. She would have rushed him out then but Sirius followed her group of friends back to the table and Sirius helped himself to a pint of beer that had obviously been brought to the table to replace the broken one.

"Evans," Sirius smiled broadly shaking his head.

"This is crazy! What are the chances?"

"You lot in the same class?" Ezra asked.

"Same class, same House, same friends," Sirius answered, taking another sip. "Lily was always trying to beat me at Charms but never could."

"Hey!" Lily said, hitting him on his shoulder. "I was first in our year."

Sirius grinned good-naturedly. "You all went to Hogwarts too?"

They nodded their heads and an unfamiliar tension seemed to pass the room when they didn't elaborate. Lily answered for them. "Yeah, but there all Ravenclaws, expect Caleb! He was in Gryffindor. But they were big Fifth Years when we got there."

"Must have been a fight to see who got Prefect in Ravenclaw that year," Sirius attempted to silence.

"But Sienna went to school in the States," Lily urged on and looked at her desperately, which wasn't even needed as she took the reins.

"Yup, can't help but bring some Americaness to this English stuffiness," Sienna started and flashed her eyes towards Sirius.

Sirius seemed to consider Sienna and as their two gazes met, Lily felt like she was interrupting something. "Are you now? Where from?"

For the first time, Lily saw Sienna flustered and stumble a bit over her words. "Texas."

"I hear they like it all big there," Sirius offered.

"We do."

Caleb broke the tension between them, as he seemed to seize up his apparent competition. "So what are you doing now, Sirius?"

Sirius broke his gaze with Sienna and looked at his fellow Gryffindor. "First Year Auror Trainee."

The boy nodded and it didn't seem to lessen the tension because of obvious respect. "What you are doing in Cornwall?"

Sirius paused, looked at Lily, and then back at Caleb. "Business."

"What business?" Caleb ventured.

Sirius looked at Lily again before answering. "Classified, sorry."

Lily looked over at him and begun laughing. "Classified, Sirius, you just started!"

But the look he gave her told her exactly what she had dreaded. Yes they had started. But they were in the thick of things. And not just him, _James too_.

"How long are you in town for?" Ezra asked as the conversation kept breaking up.

"A day or too, not sure really. Depends…"

"Sirius, you said," Smetty asked suddenly. "As in Sirius Black?"

"That's right," Sirius said with a sardonic smile.

"I thought all you Black's were in Slytherin," Smetty questioned.

"Guess I broke the mold."

"Narcissa Black was in our year," Samson regarded. "Your sister?"

"Cousin," Sirius flashed. "But I've been disowned since then."

"Disowned?" Samson asked interested, and of all the boys Samson and Ezra seemed to be the more welcoming and Lily was immensely grateful for it.

"Ran away when I was 16. Couldn't deal with all the blood purity idiocy. Joining the Aurors probably didn't help my family inheritance though."

Ezra and Samson laughed, and Sienna bit her lip. Smetty stared at him stony.

"Brave of you to join the Aurors," Ezra said.

"Someone has too," Sirius said plainly. "Couldn't think of anything else I would want to do."

"Than beat Death Eaters?" Smetty asked.

At Smetty's question, Sirius turned his head and considered him. "Like I said someone has too."

"And what do you think about that power?" he challenged and Lily had never heard him speak so overweening.

Sirius didn't speak at first but collected his thoughts. "I'm making the difference that I can make, that I want to make, in stopping this war. I'm defending what's right, trying to do the right thing."

"But what is 'right', what does 'right' even mean?" Smetty continued. "Isn't a 'right' not when you claim it but when others think it of you? That is to say if you really want to make a difference isn't that in politics… Aurors, for all the bravery, are just shields of the commands."

Lily could feel the steam coming through Sirius ears and Lily stared wildly at Sienna who stared back at her just as baffled. This was happening and it seemed Smetty didn't even realize he choosing the wrong person from Lily's past!

Sirius narrowed his eyes at him. "Aurors aren't the face of this fight but we are what keeps the leaders truthful."

Smetty seemed to take in Sirius' words. "But do you think, hypothetically, that if tomorrow comes and you Auror's on the direction of your leaders do defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, do you really think he is the variable?"

"What I do know," Sirius growled. "Is that if we can defeat _Voldermort_ than lives will be saved. And that is a _constant_ I can help create."

Lily wasn't going to survive this conversation and she was freaking out. She grabbed Sirius hand and pulled at his sleeve that forced him to stand from his bar stool and looked down at her. His eyes were still blazing at the conversation and Lily had to get him out of there, quickly. Smetty was smart but Lily knew all to well that Sirius had no problem starting or winning duels in the middle of the Muggle pub.

"Right, well, this has been fascinating, truly. We're going to jet," Lily said thankfully. "Catch up, do what friends do and not bore you lot with the specifics."

The group seemed relieved when Lily and Sirius walked away. Their happiness at seeing each other seemed to have vanished and Lily was desperate to regain it, especially a tense Sirius was not something she was accustomed too. And she wanted her questions answered.

Lily led him away from the old city and towards the beach, where she decided the best location was always near the water even though she was not dressed for it with only a light jacket. She squinted her eyes as the lamps of the city grew further away and what was left was the glittering moonlight against the black ocean. They walked quietly for a few more seconds as the sound of the sand crunched beneath them before Sirius turned to her and flick over her, his demeanor finally relaxed.

"You look good, Lily. Really," he said seriously.

Lily blushed. "I like it here."

"I'm glad," he said quietly.

"Are you going to go back and report that? That I'm happy," Lily asked shyly.

He didn't answer at first and Lily gave him a side glance. "Depends… are you with that Smetty bloke?" Sirius asked point blank.

The shyness evaporated. "Of course not."

"You plan on going out with him?"

"Sirius!" Lily said sharply. "I don't plan on anything but it's none of your business or James!"

"You were the one talking about reporting back," Sirius snorted.

"Well you can tell James that I'm still in love with him," she was so angry at the accusation, she didn't care how silly it was that she was still in love with James four months after he left her. "And you can tell him also that I have no plans on going out with anyone in the near future because I'm still heartbroken. Good enough?" But she didn't wait for answer and stormed off.

Sirius easily caught up with her and grabbed her shoulder. "Lily," he said gently. "I'm sorry. Don't be mad."

She pulled her arm away and glared at him. "You should be sorry, and I am mad! James left me. Not the other way around. So he shouldn't care at all if I fancy anyone."

Sirius looked at her dubiously. "Lily…"

"Don't 'Lily' me. I saw how that Dorcas girl looked at me. Is James going out with her?!"

Sirius let out a bark of laughter and Lily's stupor ceased at seeing him giggle. "James with Dorcas? Lily, are you soft in the head?" he didn't wait for her confused face to comprehend what was happening. "She was looking at you 'funny' because she wanted a peek at the girl James is obsessed with because _everyone_ knows... he can't even hide it."

Lily was stupefied as she stared at Sirius because she never allowed herself, not once, to consider that James…

"Lily, he's a mess," Sirius said tenderly.

Lily's tried to shut down her heart but it wasn't cooperating. "You, you said that to me before and it didn't get me very far."

Sirius brought her sideways and glanced down at her kindly. "Lily, everyday, as long as we aren't in emergency situations, we have a time out from 11:30pm to 12:00am were we write letters or floo someone if it's safe. Lily he's written you every single one of those time outs-"

"I've never received a letter-" Lily begun but Sirius caught her off.

"Because he won't send them. In his own way he thinks he's protecting you but Lily, you have to know you're all he cares about. You're all he thinks about. Abandoning you at the train station was his biggest mistake because it didn't do him any good."

Lily was paralyzed, and even more disgusting she wanted to know more. Greedy for more details about how James thought about her and wanted her and obsessed with her. "Sirius… I'm mad," she decided. "Confused too."

"Lily, he's my best friend. And he's miserable. It's like he goes on missions, completes them and then just thinks about you and it's a never ending cycle."

"Missions," Lily said roughly.

Sirius paused, and the way he didn't meet her eyes told her that he wasn't going to share with her what the two of them already knew that she knew. "We are in the Auror Academy. We obviously have missions."

Maybe not knowing was better.

"Just promise," Lily started and came forward and took his hand in hers. She looked at him hard. "That you'll take care of yourself."

"I solemnly swear," he whispered.

* * *

Lily stretched out her legs that felt extraordinarily sore as she and Sirius walked the beach till the early pink hours of dawn. She offered Sirius the couch and he collapsed exhausted onto it with all his clothes on. Lily crawled into bed and forced her eyes shut and duct taped the memories of James out. She couldn't think about James being miserable because of her, wouldn't let herself be a moment gleeful about either.

Lily walked into the brightly lit room and felt the breeze of the ocean. The porch door was open and Lily glimpsed at Sirius still sleeping form before heading out to the porch where Sienna was sipping her coffee. She looked up at her when she sat down. She didn't say anything at first and wondered what there was to say and if she was supposed to say anything.

"So yesterday," Sienna began and Lily gave her a dry smile before collapsing on the wooden bench the two girls splurged on. The pillow underneath felt squishy and warm and Lily brought her legs up as she stared into the ocean, wondering if James was near the ocean too.

"So assuming Sirius isn't James, is he one of his friends?" Sienna asked casually.

"More like brother," Lily answered.

"To bad Smetty didn't know that," Sienna laughed.

"Oh god, that was horrible," Lily said putting her head between her hands.

Sienna sniggered "After you left, I've never seen calm Smetty like this before. Like so unsure and he wanted to hound me so bad on what I knew but was too polite to ask anything."

Lily let out a humorless laugh and shook her head.

Sienna was quiet then and took another sip of her coffee. "Lily," and the obvious affection in her voice made Lily give her a genuine smile. "I know seeing Sirius probably brought up a lot of memories… but James isn't going to be popping into Cornwall."

Lily wrapped her hands tighter around her legs and put her head on them as she looked over at Sienna and gave her a sad smile. "I keep hoping that he will. It's so silly but… What happened with Sirius, I imagined it a million times with James. And just when I thought I was moving on, Sirius is passed out on my couch telling me stories about how _James is miserable_ and it's like – no one needs to be miserable but we're both miserable and alone."

"Eventually, Lily, time heals the wound… It's cliché but true," Sienna said.

"I keep hearing my mom tell me that in my head, you know?" she said facing Sienna and forcing the tears back. "But at least with my parents it's like… I have no reminders. I don't live in my old town, I have no family friends and my sister doesn't keep in touch. So it's like it faded away but if I bring up a memory it hurts so bad. So did time heal it or did I just forget? It's the same thing with James."

They were quiet for a moment before Lily allowed her wildest dreams to be confessed. "It's like the Wizarding community is so small, especially in England. And I just want desperately to run into him so I look for him everywhere. And if I can't run into him I just want to run into someone who knows him. Or have a mutual acquaintance or something so I ask everyone I meet about something that may be connected to James so I can just talk about that thing that is connected to James that may eventually lead to talking about James... I'm haunted because the Wizarding community _is_ small and they all do know him… But no one knows me so does he even remember me?"

"Oh, Lily," Sienna said and hugged her. "Of course, didn't you just say Sirius told you he was miserable?"

Lily nodded and regained her composure but Sienna still sat close. "This whole love thing… It's just not what I thought it was or imagined. Like I love James. I know he loves me. But it's not enough… When people get together what they don't seem to tell you is that loving each other is not the key because if it was the key then- but it's like me and James are this destructive pair around each other because we can't get it together, and love isn't the problem. It's like together we are more toxic then not and I don't know how to get out of that."

Sienna didn't have time to respond because Sirius walked onto the porch and leered good-naturedly at the two girls sitting. "Morning, ladies. You two look quite dashing."

The two girls giggled at his flirtation and Sienna got up and glanced over at Sirius, flashing him a smile before flipping her hair over she shoulder. "Coffee?"

Lily wanted to laugh at the way he looked at her, as if he wanted to devour her, but she maintained a neutral face. "Sure." Sienna walked out, flipping her hips as she entered the kitchen. Sirius stared at her backside before settling back onto a leftover beach chair. Lily gave him a knowing look as Sirius grinned. "What? She's cute."

"I'm sure that's exactly how she wants you to describe her," Lily snickered.

Sirius rolled his eyes and the two remained silent as they watched the waves roll onto the sand before Sienna returned with Sirius's coffee. He took hold of it, looking into Sienna's striking blue eyes for a moment before taking a large gulp, the heat of the drink apparently not affecting him. "Wish I could stay but I gotta make some moves."

"Already?" Sienna asked, attempting to cover up the dismay in her voice.

"Business calls. But who knows maybe another trip to Cornwall will take place. I like it here."

Sirius slurped the rest of his coffee and made his way back into the apartment. He hugged Sienna quickly goodbye, almost as if he was reluctant to touch her but Sienna wrapped her thin body around his and kissed his cheek. He stared down at her for a moment before releasing her. She stepped back as he shook himself out of a daze then turned to Lily. He gripped her firmly in his arms and looked down at her with a sincerity that moved her.

"Be good," he murmured into her hair. She nodded and looked into his soft brown eyes once more and kissed his cheek.

"Be safe," she said. He nodded.

Sirius released her and opened the door to find Smetty with his hand ready to knock. "Uh hey."

"Hey," Sienna chirped. "Sirius was just leaving. Come in," she offered as Smetty came inside the now crowded doorway.

Sirius glared at Smetty who seemed to match his gaze. "Yup, just leaving. But never far, yeah?"

Lily's eyes widened horrified and pushed Sirius out the door. "Sirius!"

He grinned wickedly at her and waved before turning down the hallway.

"Want coffee?" Sienna asked Smetty as she moved towards the kitchen.

"I already had some this morning, thanks," he responded politely before glancing at Lily who was still staring at the spot Sirius has vacated. "Lily, can I talk to you for a moment?"

Lily looked over at him quickly before nodding. She closed the door as Sienna looked at her with gleaming eyes. "Right, I'll make myself indisposed."

The two made their ways to the living room and sat on the flush couch. Smetty sat facing her and Lily looked out at the waving curtains. "Did you have something with him?" Smetty asked point blank and Lily finally twisted around and looked at him shocked. Smetty was never blunt like this and it almost made Lily grin.

"No," she said kindly.

"Oh," he said off guard. "It just, you two seemed very close."

"He's my friend. He's known me since I was eleven. Of course we are close," Lily said purely.

"I didn't mean to imply…" Smetty shook his head in self-depravation. "I'm doing this all wrong, aren't I?" and gave her disgruntled smile.

"What are you trying to do exactly?" Lily asked earnestly.

He looked over at her and seemed to gain strength for Lily's obvious kindness. "Lily, you know I like you. It's not a secret." He paused. "I'm trying to ask you out."

"Oh," Lily formed and swallowed. "Right."

The silence was pregnant and Lily twisted her hair behind her ear. This was horrible timing.

"You can say 'no', I won't be offended," he offered with warm eyes.

"No, I'm sorry. You just took me off guard, is all."

"Are you surprised?" he said with such patience that Lily's heart thumped painfully against her chest.

Lily gave him a small smile. "I just haven't thought about anyone in that way in a long time."

He took her words in slowly and nodded his head. "Was there someone else?"

Lily shook her head dejectedly. "No, there is no one else…" _But I wish he was_ , she didn't add. He didn't respond but it seemed he received the full picture. "I'm sorry. I really didn't know you liked me and I never meant for any of this to get out of hand."

"Lily," he chuckled. "You just acted like yourself, any guy would want you to go out with him."

She blushed at his kind words and he got up. Lily followed and when they reached the door Lily hugged him unexpectedly. "I'm sorry, I'm just still heartbroken. Sienna said time heals these things or whatever."

He looked down at her steadily and took a piece of her hair and pushed it behind her ear. "I'm not into triangles, Lily. But I like you and I'm here. Whoever left you, he's not. I don't know what happened but if you're interested and open to it, I am," he stated simply.

Lily watched him leave and then closed the door behind him and fell to the ground as Sienna opened her door and laughed at Lily's distressed state. "What a morning, huh? What a night!" Lily groaned as Sienna stepped over her. "Want coffee?"

"Yes," Lily mumbled but didn't get up from her place on the floor. Sienna came to her crumpled body and handed her the steaming mug and laid down next to her on the floor.

"Soooooo what's Black's story?" Sienna asked nonchalantly that wasn't nonchalant at all.

"Someone have a little crush?" Lily teased.

"No," Sienna grumbled.

"Right," Lily drawled.

At the continued silence, Sienna finally twisted around and frowned, "Well?"

Lily rolled her eyes and got up from the floor, Sienna followed. "You don't want to go there."

"Go where?" Sienna demanded.

Lily turned around and faced her friend. "Sirius. He's all play."

"That's not what I asked," Sienna noted.

"Well, what exactly do you want to know?" Lily said as she moved to her room this time and lay on her bed exhausted from the changing emotions of this morning. Sienna came into her room and sat on the side and looked down at Lily. Briefly, Lily remembered sitting similarly to when James laid in the hospital wing and her heart fluttered as it tried to fight him out.

"I'm not sure exactly… There's something about him," she mumbled.

"You and all girls, I'm sure," Lily intoned and Sienna narrowed her eyes at her.

"Be kind, Lily." Lily smirked at her and pulled at the dangly hair. "Ow!"

"Don't be a baby. Sirius doesn't like that," Lily kid and Sienna's eyes widened before she tackled Lily and started tickling her who collapsed into giggles.

Later, after she fended off questions about Sirius from Sienna who ended up going on a date with Caleb that night, Lily strolled the beach alone this time. It wasn't like anything was going to change anytime soon with James. James was still not talking to her, she still didn't know where he was, and now she had started a new life. Maybe this was the way it was supposed to be?

TBC

* * *

 _AN: Just FYI, this story was supposed to be 10 chapters but this chapter got way out of control so for now it's 11... I figured 'yay' more for everyone! But good thing is that I already started the next one because I realized then it would just be a million and a half pages. Figured, let's spread the love._


	4. So They Slipped

No Headlights in Paradise

Chapter 4 – So They Slipped

Song choice: Crazy In Love (2014 Remix) – Beyoncé

* * *

Time seemed to move into the next phase as Lily began to be caught up in her classes, studying and new friends. Although nothing thrilling or exceptional happened, Lily was having the time of her life. It's amazing what friends can do to a person. Waking up is easier, the excitement of the day awaits, and fun is beckoning at the front door.

Originally, Lily had assumed spending time with Smetty would be on the weird side, considering she had remained unsure about her feelings but Smetty proved to be her most solid companion and his pursuit of her was done in such subtle moves that Lily felt extraordinary relaxed in his presence. His gradual ease into her daily activities had Lily seriously reconsidering his place in her life to the point that maybe something should happen between them. Smetty was secure, and she could no longer deny that something developing between them could be healthy for her. Smetty was everything she needed… not what she wanted. And what she wanted, she would remind herself forcefully, was not something she needed.

As the weeks tucked away, Lily only had two more to figure out exactly what her plans would be over the month long Christmas holiday. Ever since her parents passed away, the holidays constantly felt like an exclusive choir of having to find somewhere to go, people to pretend to be happy with and the disappointment that her and Petunia were no longer close. Sienna had added to this sentiment with decorating every inch of their shared apartment with red and green lights that left their once breezy apartment looking like a Christmas elf had thrown up flashing lights and mistletoe everywhere (that had forced Lily and Sienna to kiss almost every single one of the boys, on the cheek in Lily's case).

As the hanging lights twinkled around her, Lily considered her limited options. The previous holidays, James invited her to his home and she spent her time being shuffled around Potter Manor, comforted by the warm hugs of Mrs. Potter and laughter of Mr. Potter. That was obviously not an option this year… She could go to her sister's but then decided being miserable and alone was a lot better option than sitting uncomfortably at Petunia's while being insulted. Another option, one that seemed more and more attractive, was renting an apartment in Muggle London. Travel London. It was a little girl's dream wasn't it?

"What are you daydreaming about?" Sienna asked as she plopped down next to Lily and held a mug of hot chocolate. She had a massive knitted scarf wrapped around her neck and leg warmer over her black leggings that allowed her painted red toes to peak out.

Lily sighed and leaned back into the corner of the couch snuggly. "Figuring out what I'll do for Christmas break."

Sienna scrunched her nose. "What? We're staying here. I was thinking of buying the tree after classes finished for the semester, what do you think?"

"Wh-What? I thought you were going home," Lily asked dumbfounded.

"Lily," Sienna said frowning. "I'm not going to leave you here alone."

Her matter of fact attitude, the notion she already decided her plans, and the way she looked at Lily as if she couldn't believe her audacity for asking her such a question had Lily launching into her arms and hugging her soundly. She heard Sienna's amusement but she hugged her back as long as Lily wanted. When she finally released her it was with light happiness that she listened to Sienna drabble about decorations and how they could transform this place into a winter wonderland.

"Unless you have another idea?" she said. "I'm pretty open for suggestions."

"I was thinking of getting out of Cornwall? Maybe travel somewhere?"

"YES," Sienna burst. "Yes! Let's do it. I can't believe I didn't think about it myself. Where were you thinking? Ugh, that's brills, Lily truly."

"I was thinking Muggle London? We can see Buckingham Palace or Tower of London..."

"YES! This is going to be the best trip ever!" Sienna jumped, and already started organizing everything they would need, listing places she could look for an apartment, and planning all the places they would visit. Lily took care in appreciating how Sienna took control, allowing Lily to relax and feel cared for.

And with all of her research and prodding, Sienna had found them an apartment within the week in Chelsea.

"Near all the sites and shopping!" she attested. "But close enough to Diagon Alley in case we need something or to keep us updated."

They sat together overlooking a map of London, ignoring the boys who laughed at their meticulous planning. They wrote down their plans, considered restaurants and stores they needed to visit and all the attractions they needed to go too. The giddy excitement in the air made the two girls have a countdown in their apartment that sparkled blue every day they got closer to Christmas break. The night before their departure, Lily found herself alone in the apartment as Sienna had decided to spend the night with Caleb that for some reason had Lily chortling.

She was reading a book, the candlelight in the room playing with the shapes on the wall when she heard a loud knock infiltrate her quiet surroundings. She got up, opening the door and instantly smiling at Smetty who stood gracefully in the entranceway.

"Hey," she said happily, letting him in and felt a small tingle in her stomach at his presence.

He walked in easily, giving her a one-arm hug but she wrapped both her arms around him and gave him a full on hug that seemed to surprise him.

"Want something to drink?" she asked as she started moving towards the kitchen but he stopped her.

"No thanks. Thought I would give you some company, and your Christmas present."

She stopped her movements and looked over at him startled before switching over to excited. "What? I don't getting yours yet!"

He laughed at her reaction as he pulled out a small box from his pocket and handed it to her. "You can give me yours after the holiday. But I saw this and figured 'good Christmas present, must give her.'"

She opened the small box and stared at it for a moment. Inside was long, thin gold chain and hanging at the very end was a silver doe who was yawning up at her and twisting around. Lily's heart struck as she moved her finger lightly to calm it and the doe seemed to still at her contact and recognize her. She looked up at Smetty in wonder at his touching gift.

"You mentioned your Patronus was a doe."

Lily nodded her head, too choked up to say anything. "Smetty, this is…"

He seemed very satisfied with his gift choosing abilities, and Lily almost wanted to smile at the irony but kept it to herself. Instead, she pulled the necklace over her head and a warm, comforting sensation spread throughout her body. She looked down and brought the doe closer to her eyes for inspection but no explanation was had.

"Thank you," she said, hugging him again.

"Now when you go off you'll have something to remember me by."

Lily released him and looked at him with raised eyebrows, "I don't need a gift to remember you, Smetty."

He seemed pleased by her answer but she didn't tell him that a necklace of a doe was the last possible way for her to remember him by. If anything all it made her think about was why her Patronus was a doe…

They chatted for a while, Lily drinking tea while he lounged on the couch. When it got late, Lily walked him to the door but he didn't turn right away but stared at her.

"Look, Lily. I didn't get you that with any expectations but I hope you're still considering me."

She gave him a coy smile and nodded her head. She kissed him softly on his cheek. "More and more each day."

He nodded gruffly. "Good."

"Happy Christmas, Smetty."

"Happy Christmas, Lily."

* * *

Lily could barely sit through her last class, and even though she assumed learning about ways in helping those infected with snake venom might be necessary one day by the time class was up Lily was bouncing in chair. She rushed from the classroom, almost colliding with Sienna who seemed to be in the exact same mood, and the two girls in the middle of the corridor started jumping and clapping. They came home, their belongings already packed with just a few minor immediate details and then they would be off. Vacation would happen and Lily would be free.

With their trunks laid in the middle of the living room, Lily was wondering what her level of stress would be when she came back after the holiday to remind herself that her and Sienna had left their apartment in total disarray.

"Lily?"

"Yes," Lily answered as she picked up another dress. Would need more than four dresses? It would be cold, and she wasn't planning on having any dates or indulging in parties but then again Sienna would definitely want to go to as many pubs as possible. She folded the additional dress and put it in.

"You think you'll see James over Christmas break?"

The question snapped Lily out of her fashion trance, "What?"

"I was just wondering if you would see James during Christmas break?" she asked nonchalantly as she picked up her own dress and shoved it inside.

"I uh… I never really thought about it," the question and the thought confused Lily mainly because since Sirius had departed she had effectively worked on not thinking about James. Ever. "Why?"

Sienna shrugged much to casually for Lily's sake and she narrowed her eyes. "Sienna…"

"What?" she pouted and Lily couldn't help bursting laughing. Sienna was many things, sneaky was not one of them. "It's not like you to mention my heartbreak."

Sienna looked up guilty, finally rolling her eyes and giving in. "I was hoping to see Sirius again."

Now Lily was almost on the floor, clutching her stomach. "Sirius? Sienna!"

"Lily, it's not that funny," she grumbled but Lily couldn't stop laughing though she did calm down enough to look at her friend amused.

"Didn't you just spend the night at Caleb's?"

"Me and Caleb aren't like that," she huffed.

"You think he knows that?" Lily laughed as Sienna continued to glare at her.

"Yes," but then she paused, and looked truthfully at her, "I just can't stop thinking about him. Sirius, that is."

"Sienna," Lily comforted even though she couldn't stop her amusement. "You barely spent 24 hours with him. I don't even think it was 12."

"I know!" Sienna said. "But I just can't explain it and I've just wanted to bring it up so many times without being weird and I just couldn't. This is a mess. Sorry I brought up James."

"You don't need to be sorry," Lily chuckled as she came over to her friend and took her by the shoulders. "And I'm sorry to burst your bubble but I seriously doubt I will be your connection to Sirius. Especially not based on my relationship with James."

"Worth a try?" she laughed embarrassed.

But as Lily prepared for bed that evening she contemplated if she would see James. Even though she hated herself for thinking it, she hopelessly wished she would see him. She knew it wouldn't happen, convinced herself it wouldn't happen. He was in Auror training. He was busy. Living his life somewhere unknown. He didn't have time for Christmas. And as he proved to her the last seven months he didn't have time for Lily.

"Maybe time will tell…" she told the empty and open ceiling.

* * *

Time did prove to move very fast as Lily and Sienna took on Muggle London. Their first day there they had settled in, dressed up and went walking around Bond Street and Oxford Street, enjoying the shopping and Sienna pushing Lily to buy a few delicacy items. They ate fish and chips in an old but famous Muggle pub and were flattered by the attention from the young lads that seemed to follow them. The next day they walked around Buckingham Palace and the grounds, with Sienna daring Lily to Apparate into the castle. She seriously considered it until Sienna laughed at her worry and did it herself. Safe to say they were chased and probably almost arrested by Wizarding law if the Ministry worker hadn't been so enthralled by Sienna's flirting.

And each day went along those similar lines and each day Lily enjoyed her vacation more and more. They visited the Tower of London, the bridges and made a day of it at Windsor Palace. The cold year seemed to only encourage their travels and Lily had never felt more full, or content in her life.

The day before Christmas Eve they had decided to take a day off before they planned on celebrating the holiday in Hyde Park before exchanging presents in a pub someone had recommended to them. As such, Lily decided to visit Diagon Alley and fill up on some supplies and maybe buy a new pair of robes that wasn't black. Sienna lounged around instead, and Lily laughed as she waved her goodbye from her bed. She decided to walk there, filling her lungs with the icy air and when she arrived to the Leaky Cauldron, she reminisced on the familiar smells and sounds.

She walked through the roads, deciding to stop at Flourish and Blotts because Lily could never resist a bookstore. It was a nostalgic being in her favorite bookstore surrounded by the smell of fresh paper and magic.

"Blimey, if my eyes don't deceive, is that Lily Evans?"

Lily snapped her head to the side and saw Mr. and Mrs. Potter making their way towards and her heart sped up unsteadily as Mr. Potter in all his lanky and tall self brought her into his arms, and Mrs. Potter next.

"Oh, hi!" she said breathlessly and peered behind them but didn't see hair matching Mr. Potter's.

"How have you been, dear? We haven't see you since last Christmas!" Mrs. Potter began but Lily couldn't seem to grapple with what was happening to her. Coming to Diagon Alley was a mistake.

"I-uh… sorry this is just such a surprise," she finally mumbled but the two chuckled at her.

"Oh, are you meeting James and Sirius later? They are around here somewhere," Mrs. Potter said kindly. "But don't keep them out to long, dear. I need them to help clean the house for our Christmas Eve party tomorrow. James did invite you?"

Lily didn't have the heart to tell sweet and amazing Mrs. Potter that her and James no longer talked. Mr. Potter saved her the problem.

"Probably causing trouble, those boys are," Mr. Potter grumbled but then added as an afterthought and looked mischievously at Lily. "But then my friend at the Ministry told me you got into a spot of trouble yourself not to long ago."

Lily blushed red, "Oh… my friend-"

"No need to explain," he laughed. "James Potter is my son after all."

But Lily wasn't focusing because only one thought was drumming through her mind: _James is here. James is here. James is here!_

"Well, we better run… much to prepare before the holiday. Do you have anywhere to go?" Mrs. Potter asked. "You know you are welcome with us any time."

Her words brought Lily back to Earth and humbled her greatly. "Thank you."

Mrs. Potter smiled at her, a smile that told her she knew exactly what she was thinking as if she had done this entire situation on purpose. She hugged her warmly and Lily forgot what it felt like to be hugged by a mother.

Watching them walk away, Lily took a deep breath. It seemed like they were in a hurry. Probably all four of them would be back in Potter Manor already. Mr. and Mrs. Potter wouldn't interfere… _They would definitely interfere_. Lily knew the best chances of her not seeing James would be to leave Flourish and Blotts but she stood still and picked up a random Charms book. As the book came to life in her hands and began demonstrating theoretical spells, Lily watched two girls, no more than twelve, discussing something so seriously in a manner that only children could.

As the second passed, and no one came charging into the bookstore, Lily decided she was being ridiculous. Mr. and Mrs. Potter hadn't even said James was in Diagon Alley, just around somewhere. And hadn't James already proven his point by not contacting her? With that thought, she swiftly turned around and stared up at the massive bookshelf. Seeing a thick purple one above her that looked of interest, she tried reaching it to no success. She stepped onto the little space on the shelf by pushing herself forward, and just had a grapple on the book before she began tumbling backwards. But smack onto the floor she did not fall but instead into the clutches of large, strong and firm hands. And as the man's grip held her on the sides tightly, Lily looked up into the backwards face leaning over her. And her heart fell into the pits of her stomach as his touch vibrated throughout her entire body leaving heats of electricity sparking on her skin where he was touching. She was instantly aroused.

James lifted her upright, and she took a step backwards that had her standing straight against the bookshelf with nowhere else to go. He smirked down at her as he took the large book out of her hands and started flipping through it. She didn't realize he wasn't even touching her anymore until he opened the book but it didn't matter because his fingerprints seemed to burn into her skin and his penetrating eyes remained steadily upon hers.

"Evans," he said in a hushed tone that had Lily's nipples throb painfully against her bra. "Nice to know you're still into leaning the theories of Potions for Goblins."

"What?" she breathed, not comprehending his words in the intensity of the moment until he held up the book, _Remedies for Goblins in Potion Making, Ancient Egypt to 1958_. It took a moment for her to snap out of his intense gaze and register what was happening. "Oh. I liked the color."

"Me too," he answered and if the book hadn't been between them they would have been fully touching. But considering his breath was inches from her own and their legs were just brushing each other, it didn't seem to matter.

"What are you doing here?" she finally asked and breathed more deeply, as she was forced to look a bit upwards to fully reach his piercing gaze. He dropped the book on the floor, and Lily jumped. But when she looked up again his right arm was leaning next to her head and he was closer than he had been before.

He grinned roguishly at her question, and with his left arm he tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. "Haven't seen you in half a year and that's all you have?" his smooth words washing over her.

"It's not every day James Potter walks back into your life."

His eyes sparkled at her words, and his arm moved down to her shoulders, tracing the line to her hip, leaving it there as he touched her boldly. This wasn't the James she had left behind on the train station. This was a James who had no problem taking what he wanted and living with no regrets to the consequences.

"What are you doing now?" his smoky voice rolled over, his gaze unflinching and Lily looked at him steadfast.

"Nothing."

He took in her words, and seemed to take a deep breath of her scent. He opened his mouth to say anything but it seemed as if the words were stuck in his throat and Lily was glad he appeared as nervous as she.

She bit her lower lip, and moved closer to him. He didn't move away at first but seemed to consider his position. He inched forward and then she was submerged in his hug. Every inch of their bodies was now touching as Lily automatically wrapped her arms around his neck. His head was between the crease of her shoulders. Her breasts were pushed against his chest and how his hard hands moved their way downward the caused her body to be pushed more firmly against his own. The touch between them was electric, intoxicating, unfailing. He sniffed her neck, as if stopping himself from kissing it and Lily couldn't help but let out the small snicker.

"I missed you so much, Lily."

His clear words broke the charade. He moved back, and his grin was no longer scandalous as it was mischievous. A James she remembered, and Lily's smile widened as he flicked their noses together and let her go. This was unreal…

"I can't believe I'm staring at you right now."

"I know the feeling…"

Time between them was stuck, but James finally broke the silence. "Can I walk you out?"

She nodded, and he took her hand without question and they walked out of the store and into the bustling streets. Lily gave in involuntary shiver because after the heat between them, the blithering cold was like a whiplash. But her eyes couldn't leave his.

"What are your plans?" Lily asked.

He shrugged and looked at the direction of the Leaky Cauldron. "I really just wanted to get a kit for my broomstick. It got rusted a bit," James said shaking his head in disgust. "Dad just let it pretty much shrivel up and die in the shed."

Lily smiled sweetly at the simplicity of his task, so close to the James she once knew. "That's nice…"

They stopped walking and stood in the middle of the street, and Lily leaned her feet against the cobblestones as James looked intently down at her. "What about you?"

Her heart started drumming again… "Quick supply run."

He didn't say anything but Lily leaned forward, waiting, waiting…

He took a deep breath and inched closer, his hand moving gradually to her hip, his lips going down, down, down, so close-

The two girls from the bookstore slammed into them and Lily fell on top of James who tripped to the floor. She looked down into his eyes and his hands moved to her hip. "You okay?"

She nodded and got up, his hands on her until he moved to flick off the cinder.

"Sorry!" They squealed and then blushed as they looked at James.

"It's okay," he muttered and looked over at Lily again.

They rushed away, turning back around to get catch glimpse of James before giggling when he caught their eye.

Lily bit the inside of her cheek as James turned back to her. The amusement subsided, and once more Lily was forced not to fling herself at him. He took a deep breath as if he was forcing himself not to acknowledge his dark thoughts and gave her a wry grin.

"Right, I should go," he finally said and Lily's heart dropped and all she could think was _no_. "My parents are waiting for me back at home to help clean the house before the Christmas party tomorrow. Sirius too."

"Don't," she said and took a step closer and grabbed his hand and twined them together. "Don't go, please. Just… don't."

His gaze was hard but Lily didn't flicker. She wanted this, she yearned from this… she had always wanted this.

"Lily…" he murmured and brought their twined hands to her cheek.

"Just for a little while… please," she breathed.

Their foreheads were leaning together now and she felt him nod. Relief swept through her as James released her cheek. "So, what do you want to do?"

They got ice cream. Lily didn't think about how cold it was but only that her hand remained locked in James all the way to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor. When Lily ordered her strawberry and vanilla and James his mint chocolate chip, and he had to let go of her hand to grab their cones, an awkward air spread throughout as they took their seats.

He was looking her over and Lily couldn't help thinking he looked good… He looked strong and his once boyish features seemed to vanish in replace of a man who had witnessed a few things. His arms, once so lanky, now filled out and strong as if he was going to crush his cone, and she briefly imagined what it would feel like if his hands moved down her naked body.

"How've you been?" he said breaking the silence.

"Good, busy. You?"

He didn't answer but his eyes told her everything. "How's school going?"

"It's so hard. Much harder than Hogwarts," Lily complained well heartedly. "But I love it. I made a good decision."

He smiled. "Anything interesting?"

She looked him over and everything about him was so severe, as if the laughter had escaped him in their months apart and his face wasn't used to smiling. "I enrolled in the Field Healer program… the one that works with Auror's."

His smile disappeared and his eyes flashed dangerously. "Lily, no."

"Why not?" but this challenge from James was something she welcomed.

"It's unsafe out there! You have no idea what it's like," he glared at her. "And making some rash decision to get back at me, Lily you can't. I won't let you."

"I want to make a difference too!" she fought back fiercely but her fierce eyes crinkled into smiles as in the heat of their moment, James was trying desperately to contain his melting cone that was spilling stickily onto his hands. Licking the sides uselessly while trying to remain angry had Lily burst into giggles and James look at her exasperated.

"Here, let me," she took the cone from the puddle in his hands and licked the sides smoothly before sucking gently on the bottom.

When she handed him back the cone, his eyes told her he fighting a losing battle. "Here…"

"Thanks," he exhaled and copied her movements. They sat there for a few more minutes, and when James was finally finished he looked at her with amused eyes. "I really do have to go now or Mum will kill me. Absolute murder."

"Oh," maybe she had read it all wrong. "Right. Sorry to keep you."

She hastily got up and looked at anything but him but James arms were around her in a second as he pulled her closer to the side, taking them over to a dark alley hidden from view.

"Lily," he murmured.

"Yeah?" she said breathlessly.

"I uh… Running into you was good," he uttered, his words stumbling unevenly from his mouth, so unlike him.

She smiled warmly at him. "Me too."

"Right… I need to see you again."

Her stomach squirmed uncomfortably and she tried to contain the instant excitement that shot through her as his hands rubbed up and down her arms. "I would like that."

"As a date," he said with a conviction that had Lily's smile broadening.

"I know."

A slow smile spread over his face, as if the losing battle wasn't a lost but a victory over a long, long battle. "Good," he said simply, "Is tonight good for you?"

"Okay," was the only word that could come out because she was so thrilled.

All thoughts vanished as he brought his hands to cup her cheeks and tilted her face upwards as she felt his harsh breath against her face, his eyes scorching her own. She ached for him, yearned for his touch and for his body to be close. She shuddered at the deep craving of her desire, for him, only for him, it always was him.

And then he was kissing her, surrounding her, leaning her against the harsh, cold wall as he pressed his body against hers and Lily gave in completely. Because nothing felt as wonderful as James kissing her as if she was his one and only thought. How wonderful it felt to finally be where she was supposed to be: in his arms, his lips against her own. And she would take him, she would take him any way she was offered because she had been dreaming about this moment, hadn't she?

The idea of being with James, of him being inside of her, had her throwing her arms around him invitingly, pulling him closer and kissing him back so possessively that she heard him groan into her mouth. She squeezed the leg that was resting between her two thighs and moaned as his hands moved downward to her hips. She felt his erection against her thigh and she smiled as he leaned back a bit, looking down at her panting.

"Merlin, Lily," he muttered and kissed her again. "You're all I've thought about, all I think about. I've tried to get you out but I can't."

A thrill of victory, of desire shot through Lily and she brought his lips down to hers again and he pushed against her, lifting her legs to wrap around his hips and Lily kissed him. Lily considered how strong he was as she wrapped her arms around his neck securely, and his hands brushed against her breast and he looked at her with a longing that she felt at the tips of toes. She arched into him as he kissed her again and he groaned into her mouth as he pulled away. She didn't care that it was cold enough to snow outside because James was so so warm.

"I really do have to go," he wheezed against her neck as he kissed her there gently and moaned as she squeezed his hips as if leaving her was the last thing he wanted.

"Don't," she said into his ear before kissing its tip.

James moved his head backwards and gave a loud groan before helping her down and brushing a few strains of dirt off her shoulder. "Tonight," he promised.

She didn't let go of him but nodded her head. "Tonight."

"I'll pick you up at eight. What's your address?"

She gave it to him before he kissed her once more, as if he couldn't help himself and Lily gave in greedily to his soft lips before he sighed and stepped away. "I'm leaving."

"Okay," she giggled as she watched him take a few steps backwards, and then outright laughed as he turned back around and rushed to her. Her laugh was half way up her throat before it turned into a moan when he kissed her fiercely, defiantly, vowing.

He let go of her this time and looked very satisfied at her dazed state. "Don't go changing your mind, Evans."

She shook her head as he turned away and Lily watched James Potter vanish between the buildings.

* * *

"Wait, wait, wait! Lily, wait!" Sienna said fiercely as Lily rushed around their rented apartment with a frenzy she had never felt before. Because Lily had a date with James, she finally, finally, finally had a date with James!

Sienna grabbed her shoulders and forced her to acknowledge her existence as she looked adamantly into her eyes. "What do you mean you have a date with James? When did you even see him? What happened?"

But Lily couldn't focus when in a few seldom hours James would be here and they would go to dinner and take a stroll afterwards and then… Well Lily decided if this was her only chance, her only date, she was going to make it worth it. She was going to go in 100%, no more second-guessing. She would be with James tonight with no regrets and the anticipation was bursting through her very fingers.

"I ran into him at Diagon Alley and we got ice cream and then he asked me out and then he kissed me and now we have a date and I have nothing to wear!" she rambled quickly as she unfastened herself from Sienna's grip and walked back to her rented closet. "I left all my good clothes in Cornwall!"

Lily didn't wait from a response as she once more started borrowing through her wardrobe even though she had gone through it already at least five times.

"Lily," she heard from behind her but Lily picked up a white blouse even though she already knew she wanted to wear a dress. "Lily… Lily… Lily, stop! Wait a second!"

At Sienna's shrill cry, Lily paused and looked at her friend who was now sitting on her bed, gazing at her concerned. "What?"

"Is this, I mean, shouldn't you slow down? It's just going so fast."

"What do you mean?" Lily asked dumbly as she dropped the blouse. It all made perfect sense to her.

"Yesterday we talking about how you were going to go on one date with Smetty and now you're planning to go almost on this reckless one with a kid from your grade school? I'm just worried about you."

It was as if Lily didn't have time to explain or the energy. Because James was… "I can't explain it, I don't know how too. But Sienna, I've never wanted anything as desperately as I wanted to go on this date tonight."

Her mouth opened in a perfect "o" and Lily would have laughed at the comicality of it all if she hadn't been so restless. "I just, I don't want you to end up hurt. I've seen a lot of tears for this Potter kid in the last two chapters."

Lily considered her words, and told her truthfully: "I almost don't care."

Sienna looked at her thoughtfully. "Well then… Guess we need to find you the perfect outfit."

Lily grinned at her words and before Sienna knew what happened Lily hugged her. "Thank you."

Sienna embraced her and stroked her hair gently. "What are friends for if not to make bad decisions with you?"

They ended up with a red dress of Sienna's that had thick straps and a low neckline that was tight at the bodice but flowed smoothly at her sides without being too revealing. She rolled on a pair of black tights, and black heeled booties. When she turned to look behind her, her entire back was bare expect for where the straps met above her lower hip. With a spell from Sienna, Lily's hair curled in simple ringlets and when she looked into the mirror it felt as if she didn't recognize herself.

"Lils! You look gorgeous," Sienna smiled as Lily twirled in the mirror because she kind of did kind of look amazing.

She looked over at the clock noticing it was about eight. James would be here any second, he promised. He wouldn't ditch her and she needed to remove the thought that he might not show up. But just as the web of doubt started crawling into her stomach, a loud knock sounded on their door and Lily's heart thundered in her chest.

Sienna looked at her with excited eyes as Lily bit her lower lip anxiously. "Want me to get the door?"

Lily nodded as Sienna got up and opened the door. She walked out of her room as Sienna let him.

"Hi, James Potter," she watched as James offered Sienna his hand.

"Sienna Montgomery."

"The famous roommate," James grinned comfortably. "Nice digs."

"Famous?"

James looked over at her knowingly and Sienna reddened magnificently.

Lily took her queue and coughed lightly, causing the two heads to look over in her direction. James looked her up and down, his smile intensifying when he met her green ones.

"Hey."

"Hey there," he murmured as he came forward and handed her a few pink lilies. "You look beautiful."

She blushed at his compliment and couldn't help thinking how good he looked with his beige Muggle trousers that fitted him perfectly, and his light blue dress shirt that seemed to outline his impressive chest. He had on a navy blazer that was currently buttoned in the middle and Lily felt her insides melt to her lower remedies. "You don't look so bad yourself."

His grin burned to her very core. "Let's get out of here, yeah?"

Lily put on her black trench coat and scarf. He took her hand and Lily looked over at Sienna. She let go of James momentarily and went to hug her roommate who whispered in her ear, "Good luck."

She took back James's hand, and he led her out of her apartment and into the cold London weather. "So, what are the plans?"

James paused and looked down at Lily, and he looked so tall in that moment that Lily couldn't help but lift her arms and wrap them around his neck. He seemed startled by the display of affection before sliding his arms around her waist and squeezing her happily.

"I've just wanted this for so long," he started.

"Me too," she added that had him smirking with pleasure down at her.

"I don't want some normal date, Lily. This isn't a random get to know you. I know you. I want you. I was thinking we could start at the Christmas Market near Hyde Park-"

"James," Lily interrupted and smoothed one of his many loose strands of hair. "Okay. I trust you."

He seemed thankful that she was being so accommodating but Lily agreed with him. This was a chance, not an opportunity and if seven years at Hogwarts taught her anything it was that James Potter was a planner, a doer, and he knew how to have fun. She trusted that instinct.

He leaned down and kissed her fleetingly before releasing her, and with a brush of his hands he Apparated them to Hyde Park. Christmas lights were blinking in every direction. It felt magical.

"This way," he murmured as he took her hand, directing her more inwards, passing by the massive Christmas market. When they stopped at a hidden corner with high green bushes and an old steel chain wrapped around them Lily wondered why they were moving further and further away from the actual Christmas Markets. But with a tap of his wand, the chains seemed to twist out of the way and a door was revealed that James pushed opened.

The rambunctious crowd left Lily stunned as James pulled her behind him but Lily's mind couldn't seem to wrap around that this enigma existed and more than that, she was part of it. Witches and wizards were milling around their own huge Christmas Market as decorated Christmas trees were dancing alive as the fairy lights were real, blinking romantically above them. People were whirling about them buying last minutes presents, teens were drinking steaming cups of hot wine, girls laughing over tea cookies and hundreds congregating celebrating the holiday.

"James!" Lily said excitedly at the rapid movement.

He looked at her, pleased at her apparent happiness. "Yeah?"

"This is amazing! What is this place?"

He paused, "You've never been to the Christmas Market?"

She laughed and shook her head. "Well, not this one! I thought when you said Christmas Market you meant the Muggle one!"

He was chuckling at her when he brought her body closer to his and wrapped a hand around her shoulder. "C'mon!"

So they walked around the extraordinary market and Lily couldn't help but stare at everything. She gratefully accepted the hot wine James bought them as they browsed looking at all sorts of magical presents that were jumpy, moving and begging for purchase. The giggles continually erupted within Lily as her and James drank their steaming wine and grinned at each other.

"I wish I had done all my Christmas shopping here!"

He laughed as Lily picked up an old trinket that cascaded into sparks. "I'm glad I'm the first."

She met his eyes and though she understood what he meant, her cheeks reddened significantly as she looked away from his intent ones.

When they made another round, Lily felt perfectly untroubled with her hand in James as he led and showed her his favorite shops. She momentarily thought this is what it could have been like all those years at Hogwarts. This, them together, happy to be in each other's graces.

"One more surprise in this place," he said as they finished admiring the massive Christmas tree in the center.

"How can they fit anything else into this place?"

"It's magic, Lily," and sometimes Lily forgot how absolutely impossible magic actually was.

He led her to the back, not that the crowd thinned in the least. A few people seemed to nod their head's at James, but the happy atmosphere of Christmas seemed to wash away the seeping worry that had taken over the Wizarding community lately and instead filled with Christmas cheer.

"Here we are," and Lily looked up at the huge ice skating rink and Lily couldn't help but squeal with glee.

"Oh, James!" And her wide grin seemed infectious as he swung them around and they waited patiently in line.

"Ten Sickles per person," the individual behind the counter stated, bored. James handed over the coins as magical skates appeared on their shoes as they entered the rink, and James took her hand and they skated together on the shiny ice.

The skated holding hands, moving in sync as James twirled her around in small circles that had Lily giggling uncontrollably. The smooth way his hands captured her own assured her that he wouldn't let her fall. And as they made their way around the rink, the flow of the ice beneath them had her staring at James, sparkling at him in complete contentment. They skated and circled each other, Lily perfectly happy for James to take the lead and towards the end, he was hugging her close, dancing it seemed instead of skating.

It was perfect, the absolute perfect date. And twirling in his arms one last time he looked down at her, his arms light on her hips.

"Do you want anything?" he offered.

She shook her head numbly, to arrested by the romantic feelings. She was hyper aware of his hands on her back, his hips against her own.

"Are you hungry?"

She nodded.

"We can eat here at the market, there's a good place… but there is a place I've always wanted to take you. It's on the edge of London..."

"Let's go there," she whispered brightly, as she stood on her toes and looked deep into his eyes.

His arms left her hand and wrapped around her body. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

They walked off the ice rink, still clutched each other closely and as the magical skates disappeared as they exited. James turned into her embrace, and he Apparated them to a small overlook near the water. Though she lived in Cornwall, this water seemed literally to glitter and sparkle at her. "This is Faerie Realm."

She was overcome with the dark beauty of the island and she turned to face James who was looking down at her nervously. And she was reminded that he really probably did think about this date a million times. So she flung herself at him and hugged him hard because this date was better than any fantasy. "This place is perfect, James."

He seemed so relieved that she was enjoying herself, as if he thought she would try to escape him at any moment. They walked to a small Italian restaurant, a hole in the wall. When they arrived, they were lead to an intimate table that held a majestic view of the twinkling water that had Lily buzzing excitedly.

"Me and my parents used to eat here when I was younger a lot, when we wanted to give the house elves a break. My dad actually proposed to my mom here," James said into the dim light that had Lily's heart skipping a beat.

They had simple conversation, the food was exceptional. Lily was convinced she hadn't eaten this well since her days at Hogwarts. Though they didn't say much, Lily eyes never seemed to waver from James, who seemed to look at her as if she was just an image of his vast imagination.

As they shared a dessert, James finally broke the silence. "I can't believe this is real, Lily."

"Me neither."

"I really thought, some nights I would lay in bed and I was convinced I would never see you again… and now you're here."

Her insides tightened at his words.

"Tell me if you have someone else, if theirs been someone else," he said, as if the question had been badgering him for more then just this night.

She swallowed and shook her head. "No… not really. Maybe someone in the future but I forgot his name," she responded honestly.

He seemed immensely pleased at her response and took her hand in his own, brushing his thumb against her hand. "What about before?"

She shook her head and looked at him openly. "No one, James. I've been waiting for you."

His breath seemed to hitch and she turned her hand over and twined their hands together.

"What about you?" she asked, quietly but she had heard the rumors, hoped they weren't true.

He didn't answer right away and Lily's heart sunk as she looked down, breaking the spell between them and trying to move her hand away but he tightened it. "Lily, no… it was after Fifth Year, that summer, after our fight… I just felt wanted and you and I? I had convinced myself it was never going to happen, especially then. It was nothing, stupid, really.

"Please, don't be mad… You have to know you're all I've ever wanted."

Lily shook her head, trying to snap out of it. "I'm not really. Maybe jealous…."

"Nothing to be jealous about," and though she nodded at his words he didn't seem alleviated. He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it lightly, "Let's take a walk, yeah? A breath of fresh air."

The tension filling the air was overwhelming, and Lily watched as James paid and led her outside to the silky sand and the water rolling right below their feet. The warmth between them seemed to reemerge and Lily decided she wouldn't allow her petty jealously get in the way of tonight. This was their chance.

"This has been more than I could ever imagine, James," she said softly, tucked securely in the curve of his arms, as the beach gleamed endless in front of them.

"Me too."

His arms tightened as he pulled her closer, standing against the water with only the moonlight and the soft fairy lights of the ocean. James traced the outline of her body in subtle caress. Noticing her necklace, he picked it up and the doe nuzzled into his hand. Lily was shocked, remembering how it had back away from Smetty's touch.

"Nice necklace… present?" he said with a smile, his voice low.

She nodded, unsure how to respond but he seemed to understand as the doe glowed between them. She looked up at him from under her lashes and his eyes met hers in a mesmerizing look. His hands skimmed her cheek and moved low as he bent to kiss her lips. Each kiss between them seemed to have left an ache deep into her soul. As he deepened the kiss, desire burned through her.

The heated kiss lasted for several long minutes, and when he drew back Lily looked up at him and studied his face.

"James," Lily said when he released her with a brush of her lips that left her shivering. "Take me home."

He paused, unsure and looked down at her determinately. "Back to-"

"I don't care as long as you're there," she uttered breathlessly and she saw his breath hitch as he swallowed harshly and pressed her firmly to him. Without questions they Apparated to the outside of a small bungalow that had ivy grow at it from every corner but in a charming way.

He opened the rickety white fence, holding Lily's hand firmly as he led her inside the house. With a flick of his wand, candles were lit and Lily gasped at the breathtaking insides. The furniture was slick and comfortable with forest color undertones that Lily thought only existed in daydreams. She turned around to face James and he was looking down at her intently.

"This is my parents summer home… I just wanted to take you to a place were we could be alone," he said as he brushed her hair behind her ear.

"It's perfect," she spoke, as the air hummed with anticipation around them.

He brought her into his embrace and hugged her. He kissed her hair before looking down. "We'll take this slow, okay?"

She nodded faithfully up at him and he was humbled at her acceptance as he kissed her softly. He teased her gently before pressing his lips more firmly against her own. Everything around them was drowned out expect for the feel of their bodies against one and other. Lily's heart pounded forcefully against her ears as his tongue smoothly entered her mouth.

When she parted her lips, and her tongue glided into his own, his kisses became more demanding, more captivating. His hand made their way to tangle themselves in her hair as he pulled her body closer. Lily stepped onto her toes to reach him further and that seemed to spur him on as his kiss became more seductive, more heated. She wanted to be close to him, she wanted to be closer to him everywhere, and with frenzy she had never felt before she kissed aggressively.

But James seemed content standing near the entranceway devouring her lips as if this would be his only chance. He held her in place and explored her mouth… sucking, nibbling and biting. Lily felt every curve of his body against her own and her body seemed to mold perfectly into his as if her body knew whom they were dealing with. She moaned loudly into his mouth, her eagerness overwhelming as she pushed her hands keenly into his hair and desire swept through them both.

His hands ran down the sides of her body, brushing over her hardening nipples in the process before moving further downward. Lily had never felt anything like it and let him know when she pushed her chest into his that had him let out a light chuckle.

But he was kissing her again, and it felt like they had been kissing forever. She hardly noticed when he easily lifted her by the knees and carried her up the stairs. She didn't care as long as James continued to kiss her like he was. And he was.

When they settled in the bedroom, he stood over her, looking so in the small room, but once again he swallowed all her thoughts as he leaned his head forward and captured her in a hungering kiss. All the nervousness she had felt before vanished with his wondering hands as they slid under her dress. It felt too good to be nervous, and James touch was so fulfilling. He removed his jacket and dropped it carelessly onto the floor before he lifted her dress over her head without question. She stood there in front of him in her thinly laced bra and matching underwear and his gaze swept over her, shaking his head as if dazed by the sight. He was looking at her as if he couldn't believe he was touching her and that she was letting him. And if the bulge in pants told her anything, he definitely enjoyed the view.

"Merlin, Lily…" His hands traced the edge of her lacy bra, his thumbs skimming over her nipples that hardened through the lace and sent a swirl of delight below. "You're so beautiful."

His fingertips drifted downward, a teasing that kept her entire body alert, jumping when his hand cupped her breast. Lily wanted to blush but it felt so erotic as he rubbed the rough fabric against her nipple with James looking down at her as if he would never get enough.

His other hand reached up and began playing with the other nipple that had Lily moaning loudly but he muffled the sound with his sweet kiss. Her entire body felt ragged as his hands moved in tandem with his mouth, leaving her breathless and flowing with desires. She brought her hands to wrap around his neck to press him closer but he took hold of her wrists firmly and kept tracing her nipple that was poking resolute through the thin fabric.

"Shh," he said softly. "Let me."

He pinched her nipple, rubbing them against the fabric of her sensitive skin that had her crying out louder as he only pinched her harder, making her gasp. He pressed one thigh between her legs to relieve her of some of the tension of her desire and Lily found herself unconsciously rubbing against him as a powerful rush of arousal swept through her. It all felt good, so good that her lust filled brain left her in a haze. Each movement sent jolts of electricity racing through her. She felt wanton, she felt desired and she wanted James. Only James.

He moved them slowly and Lily found herself lifted lightly before sinking into the flush bed behind her. The sheets felt silky against her skin and James stretched his body on top of her, his arms at her sides as he kissed her. He moved his body to lean on his elbow as he continued, his hand tracing her breast before leaning down and covering her nipple with his mouth. He teased her nipple through the fabric while his hands moved down her body, pulling at her thighs to wrap around his waist and he thrust lightly into her barely covered body. Her hips moved instinctively against his, begging for more, a more she wasn't even aware she was sure of. It all felt so good…

He helped her out of her bra, pushing the straps out of the way as her breasts became loose and he cupped them in his hands, squeezing them gently, and then more firmly.

"You're so responsive," he whispered huskily in her ear before looking down at her with dark, passionate eyes that had Lily bringing his lips back to her own and kissing him deeply.

He lowered his head again, her muddled brain taking notice as he sucked her nipple deep into his mouth that had them turning a rosy shade that left her panting. She squeezed her eyes shut, biting her lips to muffle the sound she was sure was emerging from her lips but he seemed to have none of it as he bite her nipple and she gave a powerful cry. He flicked her nipple a few times with his tongue before moving to the other breast and repeating the sequence. She buried her fingers through his thick, messy hair and pulled his head closer to her breast and she felt his smile against her skin.

James continued playing with her breasts, switching to the other before she felt his fingers drift between her legs, flinching before James smoothed her legs gently, looking down at her calmly.

"I'm not going to hurt you," he said as he stroked her hip.

"I know," she breathed.

"We can stop…"

She shook her head too aroused to consider no. "No, I feel…"

But it seemed he understood because his hands moved low once more, his touch light and when he reached her lace underwear, he dragged one finger along the length of slit, thumbing over her clit and rubbing the fabric slowly against her sensitive skin.

"That feels, that feel so good," Lily uttered as his other hand came to rest at the top of her chest, flicking her nipple before James lowered his head and kissed her again, his fingers continuing their steady build. Lily moved her face away, needing to breath because her entire body was on fire and burning at his addictive touch. She kissed his neck and felt the low rumble in his chest as she arched into his body.

Her movements spurred him on as his fingers pushed faster and harder against her. Her breath started to hitch and the fabric was pressed roughly against her heated folds. His thumb rubbed her clit up and down as two fingers glided themselves inside her through the lace. Lily's hips rocked against the rhythm he created and she felt so hot, _so hot everywhere_.

One hand came up to play with her nipples some more, tugging at them as his other hand finally bypassed the fabric between her thighs and touched her bare skin that had her hips pushing more intensely against his hand. He increased his pace and he felt before she did her insides begin to tremble.

She arched into him, crying out and rocking faster as the pleasure she had never experienced before washed over her in intensive waves, one after the other as his fingers never slowed or calmed prolonging her pleasure with dark eyes boring down on her. " _James_."

The climax was something that came from deep within, her muscles collapsing in a domino effect as his fingers tempted their way deeper, more intimately that had her grinding desperately against him, contracting and yearning as she came hard against his hand. Just when she seemed to calm down he curled a finger within that had her eyes fly open, and her body shaking as moisture lapped all over James hands as she screamed his name once again in release.

She fell limply against the bed as he un-tucked his fingers. She blearily opened her eyes and James was looking down at her with a smug smile that had her reaching out for him and kissing him emotionally. He loomed large over her as he got up from the bed and she leaned up against her elbows as he stood between her open knees still fully clothed and glanced down at her.

"We can stop if you want," he offered hoarsely.

She shook her head and he nodded at her acceptance to continue and Lily felt a tremor shot through her as he pulled her legs abruptly towards him and stared at her opening. He traced the lines of her now defanged underwear and pulled it off, smirking at the soaking cloth. Lily blushed fiercely as James chuckled and dropped it on the floor with a thud.

He stood between her legs and stared for a moment before unbuttoning his shirt slowly and Lily breathed harshly as his bare and chiseled chest came into view, as she lay naked beneath him. Without warning, he lowered himself, pressing his mouth against her clit as his tongue found the hard nub and sucked it gently. Looking up at her, she was left open mouthed, the unfamiliar sensation leaving a nervous trickle down her throat before James gave her an explicit smile up at her before pressing his tongue once more causing Lily to moan deeply, her elbows collapsing below her.

With broad strokes and jabs, he teased her endlessly that left her moaning loudly. He brought his hand up and held her roughly against his mouth, sucking intently as she spurred against him. Her hands seemed hesitant at first to push his head but James brought one of his long hands up to her breast and pressed firmly against her nipple that left Lily squirming under him, a long moan escaping her mouth. He flicked her clit that had her rasping for breath before sliding his tongue against her slick opening and had his tongue dart deeper inside of her.

"Oh, oh James… please," she moaned inaudibly.

James seemed to have the answer to Lily's yearns because James took her clit hard into his teeth and sucked with abandon that had her crying out and pulling his face against her hard. James groaned at the sensation and her fingers tangled in his hair as she rocked against him. The tension surrounding her body was gradually built up again but James seemed to keep her at bay, pressing his hands against her thighs, her nub then back to her breasts as his tongue continually worked sucking her harder and firmer with each stroke.

Her thighs clamped down upon him as she gave out a husky moan but James didn't relent but kept sucking, pressing harder on her as her climax overtook her and she yelled his name in a pleasure she was sure had only existed in deep, forbidden fantasies.

" _James_. _James_. Oh, oh, Merlin!"

James didn't seem to be finished as he continued to lick even as her legs fell from his shoulders. He ignored her protests and kept sucking, kept lapping gently at her remaining moisture that was left behind, licking her thighs steadily as he sucked her clit that only initiated another smaller climax, and another, and then another before she violently pulled his hair up and his mouth to her lips. She wrapped her legs forcefully around him and moaned deeply into his mouth as she grinded up against him. She wanted to blush when she felt his wet face against hers but his adamant kiss left her forgetting anything but the pleasure of his hand inside her, his lips on hers and his legs between her.

She was still catching her breath when he his slick fingers found their way inside her once more.

"That's, that's good," she rasped as his hands moved further into her, dragging them back slowly in and out. Lily gave in, uncaring how exuberant she seemed by rocking against him as he slid a second finger that sent a grunt of pleasure through her that had her gripping his shoulders for leverage. She felt so wet, so wild for his touch that her hips were no longer touching the bed but twisting above her as his fingers disappeared within her more quickly and firmly with each stroke.

"So... so… James…good…"

Her moans were coming out quicker now, and James began stalling his actions that had her puffing in frustrated pants as she tried to reach her next climax but James began taking leisurely strokes as he refused to increase the pace as her thrusts against his hand became more and more frantic. And then watched stunned as he removed his hand and got up. He unbuttoned his pants, removing them and then his underwear and Lily tried not to gape as his large member pointed erected at her.

She let out a helpless giggle and James looked down at her, smiling at her nervousness. "Something funny, Evans?"

She bit her lip, shaking her head, as she got up on her elbows before reaching one of her hands to trace over his shaft, and he let out a gritted moan before grabbing onto her hand.

"No," he said gruffly, laying her back on the bed before lying above her without touching. "I'll lose it if you do that …"

She nodded her head innocently when he let her hand go and then kissed her completely as he lay fully nude against her. Her hands made their way around his back, drawing against his muscular shoulders, and there was something seriously erotic about her bare breasts against his own bare chest reminding her how aroused she had been.

"Lily," he whispered softly and looked heavily down at her, his eyes deep with arousal and love. She knew it was love. "I don't want to hurt you."

She shook her head and wrapped her arms around his neck and let them hang there. "You won't… You've made me feel amazing tonight…I want to be with you."

Lily had been waiting for this moment, she needed this moment and gave into it and kissed him to let him know it. His erection brushed against her thigh and he released her lips and looked down at her as he pressed inside her, barely moving within. He moved steadily and Lily kept from flinching but she couldn't help the shudder that leapt through her body.

"I'll try to be gentle," he said shakily, touching her hair lightly but she nodded at him.

He seemed to make a decision, and started kissing her intently that had her swallowing any ache of discomfort as he drove further into her body, stretching her in his fullness. He felt so hard within and she felt so hot and secure in his strong arms and for brief hazy moment she understood what it meant when the feeling of completion occurred.

"Merlin, Lily," he grunted as his precipitation slicked against her own chest as he held still, deep inside of her for a long moment and he began mumbling soft seductive words against her skin that intensified her feelings as he told her how much he dreamt about this, how much he had wanted this, how he needed this, them together forever and ever for always…

When he drew back and pushed forth again, her body tensed expecting the same sharp pain but she only felt a minor discomfort, as she seemed to writher beneath him. In that moment, the pain disappeared and Lily opened her eyes and mouth as a loud moan escaped her lips and his dark eyes met hers, as he plunged hard into her and kissed her bottom lip, moving slowly to her neck. She felt the hard strength of his legs between her own and she had never felt so out of control, so uninhibited. She would have let James do anything in that moment, anything…

"Oh Merlin, James, James," she whimpered as he thrust again. "This feels," un-focusing as he did it again. "This is…" and again.

He slowed his movements at her husky words but continued thrusting hard, staring adamantly into her eyes as she felt as if she was on the verge of something… as he paused a bit more between each stroke the anticipation seemed to mount to an frantic pulse with each hard drive.

"James!" she cried out forcefully and he grinned pleased down at her.

"Shhh," he responded. "I'm going to take care of you…"

She nodded her head as he pushed against her and brought her legs up to wrap around his hips, and she squeezed him tightly that sent shudders all the way down James' body that had him thrust more forcefully and Lily rocked against him as she gave in to the power he had over her. His hands wrapped around her hips as he surged forward and kissed her passionately.

He thrust into her again, and then again, pulling out and driving back immediately and Lily wasn't sure she even knew what was happening to her but she squeezed her eyes shut as her orgasm seemed to leak from between her pours and over her body as he James continued to rock against her, her hips matching his own as her clit was rubbed against the stiff hairs at the base of his shaft. She moved her hands down his body, resting at his butt and pushing him more forcefully against her telling him to bury himself deeper, harder, faster _inside of her_.

As her muscles relaxed and she seemed to recede, her body was left limp; almost dizzy under him and when he kissed her it was lazy, steady, as he remained hard inside of her and when he moved slightly, her muscles tightened once more making her think she must be crazy to need more, want more. She squeezed him instinctively and he groaned deep into her throat. She did it again and James moaned again and sat up, mock glaring at her.

James didn't stop but his half closed eyelids kept moving as she convulsed around him again as he thrust against her still moving hips hard, a fulfillment that had been aching deep in their souls emerging. Release came crashing through him as he yelled her name into her slick neck. He thrust into her a few more unsteady times before collapsing, his arms wrapping themselves around her like a brick wall as he pressed a kiss into her neck.

"That… that was the best, Lily. The best thing, amazing, I can't," but the words that seemed to be on the edge of his lips refused to surface and instead he kissed her cheek and neck and then her eyes and ended at her nose and looked seriously at her. "Perfect, Lily. That was beyond perfect."

She kissed him breathlessly, giving him everything in her because it was all she had. All she had to offer and she wanted to give him all of it because she felt more than limp and whole. She wanted to tell him that he could bury himself in her and she would take care of him. She would always take care of him. She wasn't leaving if he wasn't leaving.

"James," she sighed when he finally rolled off and carried her with him to ensure she lied securely against his chest. Her eyes drooped low but she tried to keep them open. "I want to stay awake," she uttered into his chest and she heard his deep laugh as he stroked her sweaty hair that laid over the two of them.

"Why?"

"I want this day to keep happening, I never want it to end."

He brought her face up to his and kissed her softly. When it ended he cupped her cheek and whispered, "If you fall asleep, we can make another one like it tomorrow."

* * *

TBC


	5. Into a Dark Paradise

Chapter Five - Into a Dark Paradise

Song choice: Once Upon a Dream – Lana Del Ray

* * *

The sun beamed roughly against Lily's skin, and she woke confused at the unfamiliar sensation of feeling much to warm. As she further widened her sleepily eyes everything felt off: her position, the color of the walls, the flush of the mattress, the firm body behind her… She stretched out her legs and felt James hairy legs intimately tangle with her own, and she flushed as she cuddled further into his cozy embrace.

She registered her surroundings for the first time, taking a good look at the appealing soft pastel green walls, the large cracked, white painted wardrobe to the side, the large windows reaching the ceiling. They hadn't drawn the curtains last night that enabled the sun to shine effortlessly onto their twined bodies.

She felt James murmur against the curve of her neck, his hands moving silky over her body and cupped her breast. She let out a vulnerable giggle and felt James lips curve into a smile against her throat, kissing it lightly.

"Morning," James mumbled against her neck.

She leaned against him, his soft words and his caresses arousing. She looked up at him but he was preoccupied necking her throat to notice, "I see someone's awake."

James pressed more confidently against her backside, his length making its presence. His hands wrapped more securely around her as he leaned up against his elbow, his head in his hand as he looked down at her. "Hmm," he said, kissing her nose causing her to smile demurely. "Do you feel sore, love?"

A skip in her heartbeat made her swallow harshly. Yes, maybe in pathetic attempts at the end of the school year, her and James had declared their undying love for each other but a lot of time had passed since then… 'love' was an endearment, millions of thousands of people said it everyday, Lily thought radically in her head, no need to let the endearment cause her to have false hope!

"Not really," she stuttered, the rant in her brain refusing to shut off until James leaned down and kissed her. She whimpered when he pulled away, his kiss leaving her anxious for more. He chuckled throatily at her eager position and kissed her again.

"I can't seem to get enough of you…" he uttered at last as he moved his hand down her body, leaving her shuddering as he neared the triangle between her thighs.

"James," she whispered huskily as his hand moved up to the underside of her breast.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

She tried turning over to face him but he held her firmly in this position. His gentle hands moved over her body, coaxing her open up as he slipped two fingers inside her warm heat that left Lily moaning quietly. He stroked her slowly, sucking her salty-damp neck in the process.

"When I felt you in my arms this morning I thought I was in a dream. I had dreamed this so many times," he said irresistibly.

His words seeped deep into her, shooting a thrill of provocation over her oversensitive body. Her body flamed at his continued touch, her desire becoming all consuming. He was playing with her: his sultry words, his light touches, and she lustfully yearned for him, "James, please."

She brought her arm up, twisting it around his neck. His hand continued stroking within her folded heat, the other slithering up her body, cupping her breast and pinching her nipple. She arched into him, the friction of his length sliding along her behind making him groan behind her.

"You're so responsive, Lily… Tell me what you want."

Lily couldn't formulate an answer because his hands felt everywhere. One hand released her breast and pulled at her upper leg to be pulled atop his legs, leaving her more exposed to his overwhelming touch. Her parted thighs quivered as he roamed over them, his hands stroking her backside.

"Tell me what you want, Lily," he said as he returned his hand to circle her inner nub. She was more aroused than ever and when his arousal pushed against her behind she panted in utter need.

"You," she finally said in a breathless moan.

He stopped all his movements, leaving his hand cupping her and Lily whined. "Where?"

She wasn't thinking but she felt so desperate for his touch that she brought her own hands to cover his and tried terribly to push his hands to continue his previous movement. He laughed hoarsely down at her and brought his other hand to cup her breast in compensation.

"Nah uh. Tell me where you want me, Lily."

"Inside me," she wept. "Inside me, James. Please… hurry."

James didn't waste any time and drove fully into her, and she gasped into his muscular arm that was wrapped around her breast. She groaned at the sensation so unlike she had ever imagined. He filled her completely.

James traced the twisted arm around his neck, his other cupping her as he played with clit furiously. He withdrew before thrusting deeply again, and her hips moved involuntarily as she stared rocking against him that left him groaning loudly. She squeezed him as she moved her hips backward, excited by his apparent lack of control in this position.

He thrust in deep measures, their bodies slick with perspiration as she arched franticly against him. His hands moved down roughly to her hips, holding her as her legs remained spread open between his two, the pace between them unrestrained. His hands returned to between her open thighs, rubbing her swollen flesh as she cried frantically out for him.

"Merlin, Lily. You're so tight," he moaned harshly.

Lily couldn't see straight as the pleasure laced through her, begging for release. She could hear herself pleading with James, words emerging from her mouth she had never uttered before. The bed squeaked violently under their movements as it repeatedly hit the wall until finally, finally she came with a throaty convulsion that left her shaking in his arms as James continued to push feverish within her. Every time she believed the gratifying sensation was over, James would drive more aggressively and her excited body would rip into another climax.

" _Lily_ ," he yelled into the echoing room, biting her neck fiercely as he came into his own completion.

When the two of them came down, his shaky hands releasing her briefly enough for her to turn over and he pulled her weakly on top of him, his hands dangling as if moving was too much effort. Lily took a good look at his tousled hair that was even messier than usual against his sweaty face. She dragged open mouth kisses on his cheek, nose than throat that left him smiling as she brought her head up for a kiss.

"Morning," he smirked happily.

" _Happy_ morning," she said bitingly.

"Merlin, you're gorgeous," James said as he kissed her soft body, pressing her temptingly against his own and Lily felt the stickiness below, causing her to flush and hide against his chest. He grunted at her reaction and brought his arms to pull her closer to him and kissed her ardently as she brought her hands to his shoulders.

Lily hummed against him as he released her satisfied, "You keep that up and we will never get out of bed."

He grinned wickedly down at her and patted her bum, "Sounds like a plan to me."

She grinned back at him and kissed him, pressing her body intently against his own, making sure he sensed every smooth texture of her body. She felt his thickness stirring below and she smiled inwardly. Never getting out of bed with James sounded like a dream come true. She was so happy it was bubbling. This was her wildest dream: James tucked into her body, holding her in his arms and her being able to raise her face and kiss him freely. All these months, _years_ , it had been all she had wanted! And it was happening.

"I never want to stop touching you," James said as he rubbed his hands up and down her body, kissing her neck before moving his lips to hers again. It was all so wondrous.

"Then don't," she said.

He released her just enough so he could look down at her. He brought his hand up to her cheek and was just about to open his mouth when a silver, fully formed Patronus came flying out of nowhere and a black dog with the voice of Sirius Black said: " _Mate, it's Christmas Eve_."

James looked at the fading dog before dropping his head onto the bed and groaning frustrated into the ceiling like a little boy. Lily leaned back and looked down at him with an amused smile at his adorable face.

"Happy Christmas, James," she said as she brushed the hair from his forehead.

His eyes met hers and looked at her with a sincere longing that had her kissing him deeply. His arm came up to her upper arm and squeezed gently as she tangled their legs.

"Lily," he murmured a bit helplessly before finally getting up and leaning back against the headboard. The blanket pooled around his stomach and she couldn't help admiring his chest. She looked up at him caught, blushing under his hungry eyes.

"Lily," he repeated and brought her close. She straddled his waist as she snuggled happily into his chest as she encircled her arms to his neck. She had never been happier in her entire life, she was sure. She could stay right here in this moment- "I have to go."

She pushed fiercely back against him, her nails digging dark marks into his bare chest. He flinched as she glared at him.

"What?" she said dangerously.

"My mom! The Christmas party," he said in quick explanation as he took hold of her hands and she relaxed them, wincing as she removed her nails. "I have to help set up, or all those parts you like will be dismembered."

"Oh," she said releasing her hold and tried to move away but he didn't accede and instead brought her hands to his lips and kissed them gently. "Well, you should go then… I wouldn't want your mother to be upset."

He didn't move from his position but kept staring at her intently that made Lily feel scrutinized. She bit her bottom lip, trying to move again but he gripped her hips more securely than before.

"James…"

He brought her lips to his and kissed her soundly, and she gave in completely, as she always would for she was sure no day would ever come when she would be able to deny him. The sensual pressure from his lips resounded through her naked body with tremors as his hands tangled their way into her hair and pressed her more closely against his own bare body. When he released her he was just as out of breath as she and she was glad that she also had that effect on him.

"The last thing I want to do is help with this stupid party," he grumbled.

She played with the little chest hair he had and looked up at him. "Maybe you can sneak away," she said hopefully, knowing those parties could last well into the early rays of morning as she was reluctant to let him go, not when she just got him. "Me and Sienna aren't doing anything too exciting."

He looked baffled down at her. "You're not coming?"

Lily laughed at the dumbfounded look. "You never invited me."

He scrunched up his nose and huffed. "Of course you're invited! As if I would go to this party if you weren't there. I wouldn't survive knowing these," he said, cupping both her heavy breasts in his hands, "were out there needing my touch." Lily knew he felt the small pool of damp warmth on his thigh as he touched her.

She pushed lightly against him, hoping for some friction against her now aching insides. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," he said aroused too and bringing her lips to his, ravishing them against his own that left Lily moaning into his mouth. His hands moved down her stomach, touching her moist folds as she whimpered.

"James… the party…"

He shook his head as he cupped her, sliding a finger into her welcoming body. "It can wait. This is more important."

He flipped them over then and she squealed in delight, before he plunged deep within her.

* * *

Lily cringed as the door to her rented apartment squeaked open, knowing it was still pretty early, knowing that Sienna liked sleeping, and knowing that the second Sienna knew she was home the inquisition wouldn't activate. Yet, knowing all these things the massive grin on her face refused to move. Her heart was fluttering, everything she touched tingled and every three seconds she had to look down because the thought of James would flicker through her.

Just their parting had been comical and whimsy enough that left small clenches forming at her side every time she thought about it. The way she would try to leave but he would tug her back into his arms whispering that he needed one last kiss. And she would willingly fly back every time he made the same move because leaving his clutches was such an unappealing thought. They had reluctantly separated only when James's mother sent him a personal Patornus demanding his presence at Potter Manor.

Comical, Lily thought grinning to herself stupidly, but whimsy.

"Oh, hello there, Lily Evans. Nice of you to make an appearance this morning."

Lily snapped her head up to come face to face with Sienna who was pointing a spatula at her, and even with enormous effort, the grin on her face wouldn't fade. She came over to Sienna and hugged her before she could say anything and Sienna hugged her back knowingly.

"I've prepared a post-Lily-finally-lost-her-virginity breakfast!"

And Sienna had. A Sienna special she called it with a stack of pancakes with whipped cream shaped like a smiley faces, milky scrambled eggs, and sizzling bacon. Lily had eaten very well last night but she was famished. Losing her virginity was sure exercising… Sienna sat Lily down on the table, putting forth a hot cup of coffee and the layers of breakfast food Lily was sure would cause her to vomit later and decided she was never more grateful to having such a marvelous friend to come home too. So she hugged her waist and Sienna patted her shoulder.

"Now tell me everything!" Sienna exclaimed as she slid onto the seat beside her. "All the details too! The minor ones, the _big_ ones…"

And so Lily told her as she took a bite from her pancake about the Christmas Market and the ice skating. The twirling on the ice rink and his gentle touch. The way the sea shone in Faerie Realm and their intimate walk on the beach. How he had taken her to Godric's Hollow so they could be alone…

"I never knew you could feel like that…" she sighed happily. "I feel so consumed, so happy. Sienna, I never even knew someone, _me_ , could be this happy! I'm overflowing with it. I can't stop smiling, I can't stop thinking about him, and I don't want too!"

"How was it?" Sienna asked tracing her coffee cup and looked at Lily curiously.

Lily bit her lip and the grin that had infiltrated her all morning returned with vengeance, "Perfect, it was all perfect."

Sienna's eyes crinkled as if she wanted to roll them but she controlled herself. "I've never seen you this happy before."

"I've never felt this happy before," Lily said rawly.

They continued chatting lightly, Sienna telling her about the romantic novel she had been reading as they both got up and started cleaning the dishes and kitchen. Lily played with the doe in her hand and at her touch she was burnt by it. She knew, for whatever unexplainable, magical reason, James was thinking about her, and the burning doe was confirming such.

"You're probably going to be spending the holiday with him tonight, huh?" Sienna asked as she whipped down the counter.

"Tonight?" Lily asked casually and she tried to hide the wicked smile forming on her face. "Yes, we are. But it will be me, him and about a four hundred other people."

Sienna glanced up at her perplexed, and Lily continued. "The Potters have thrown this massive Christmas Party for generations so James invited me. And you have to come with me."

"What, Lily, I can't! I wasn't invited and its probably British, pure blood society. It would be so weird, no. Go with James, sneak off too a bush, have fun."

"No, Sienna, you'll have fun! You'll meet all the people I've been talking about… Sirius will be there."

Sienna froze her scrubbing, opened her mouth to Lily and seemed to think better of it but she could tell her friend was trying to appear unaffected. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah," Lily smirked. "And I don't know if I ever mentioned this before, but Sirius actually lives with the Potters now so even if we would have wanted time alone, Sirius would just be there trailing around us like a third wheel, you know? So you'll just have to spend as much time with me and James as necessary so we could get some private time."

"I sincerely doubt James is going to let anything get between him and you," Sienna mumbled but didn't refute her claim to join her, James and Sirius.

"Great, so you're coming tonight? Perfect, you can help me choose out a dress," Lily went on ignoring any halfhearted attempts from Sienna to back out. "Well I guess my connection to James will have you meeting up with Sirius after all…"

"Har har, Lily," Sienna said as she stripped off her washing gloves and came over to sit next to Lily at the table. Lily wondered only briefly why Sienna was acting so shy on the subject… so unlike her outgoing self. She would have asked further but she seemed so disinclined to broach the topic she would leave her to her privacy.

"Well, now you can properly meet James… and my friends from Hogwarts."

Sienna stopped pouting and took a considering stare towards her. "That can be a good thing…"

Lily raised an eyebrow at her but just thinking about facing her past friends made her stomach squirm.

"Maybe it's a good thing, Lily. To face them, put it all behind you so you can move forward with James freely without any baggage."

"I didn't leave Hogwarts not speaking to them," Lily said defensively as she crossed her arms.

"I know," Sienna said, lying a reassuringly hand on her arm. "I just think you carry so much resentment and it's mainly targeted towards yourself. Facing them might make you realize all those insecurities have washed away. You've opened up so much since we first met. I just want you to see yourself as the person you are becoming and not the timid girl you may have been once."

Lily gave her tactic but humbled smile. "Well, I'm just glad you'll be there."

Sienna gave her warmhearted smile and grabbed her hand. "Wherever I am, you'll always have a friend, Lily. That's my eternal promise."

Later, Sienna scrounged through her abundant wardrobe for something to wear to her first real "Wizarding event in British society," and Lily took an extra long, hot shower as she soaped her body thoroughly, admitting maybe she had been a bit sore after last night and this mornings activities. Last night had been magical though. It had been absolutely the best day of her entire life. Just thinking about him, his arms, his hand and his lips upon her, they way he had made her feel, made her feel nervous for tonight, excited for tomorrow and happy for the future.

As she poured soap onto her body one more time for added measure, it occurred to Lily that she and James had never explicitly discussed the nature of their relationship and what would happen after the Christmas vacation ended. Sure, maybe there first official date wasn't the place to discuss such matters and nothing short of death would have her raising it this morning... But she wondered anyways. She was quite positive that the second James asked her to be his girlfriend she would jump in his arms and never let go. Lily was sure it was coming… it had to be coming especially after all they had shared.

As she stood under the steaming water, scrubbing away yesterday's remains, she wondered what it would feel like to have a boyfriend who was an Auror. Maybe a little braggart? Probably horrifying. But this feeling, the one exploding within her felt too good to let go, and no reasonable, logical or realistic opinion would change her mind.

With those thoughts swirling in her head, Lily stepped out of the shower and started drying off. She wrapped a towel around herself and opened her closet doors, her wet hair hanging against her shoulders causing her to shiver. She contemplated her options, pursing the same dresses she had already decided last night were not good enough for any date she may have with James. And tonight, on Christmas Eve, she wanted to look enchanting. That James would take one look at her and it would be everything.

She considered her dresses, considering tampering with them a bit to get the look she wanted when Sienna walked in. "What do you think? Red or green? I'm trying to stick to the Christmas themes."

Sienna was holding two dresses in her hand. A long, lace red one that was low cut and sleeveless but covered her back, and a green form fitted dress that looked sexy just on the hanger.

"The green one," Lily said sugary. "Sirius will like it."

Sienna fake pushed Lily before throwing the dress on the bed. "What about you? Find anything?"

"I don't know. I just know what I do want to look like and I'm pretty sure I have nothing that can ever match that image."

"What's the image?" Sienna asked as she flicked through Lily's closet with a frown on her face.

"It's silly."

Sienna didn't even turn around when she said in a no nonsense tone: "Spit it out. We have no secrets in this relationship."

"I just want James to see me and… well, fall in love with me again."

Sienna's face softened as she came to sit by her friend and stroked her hair. "Lily, he is in love with you."

"Well, he didn't mention anything and… I just want to remind him that all this waiting was worth it," Lily said as her heart sunk at the admission, her old insecurities festering.

"Lily," Sienna said firmly as she forced Lily to look at her, "you need to stop this. You're date last night? The way he treated you in bed? Men don't do that if they aren't completely shattered over the girl, okay? You have to stop doubting that."

The hard, blazing look in Sienna's eye had Lily shaking her head, wondering how she could have been so happy one minute and upset the next.

"Now," Sienna said in the same firm tone, "I'll help you find a dress but you need to promise me that you won't sabotage yourself!"

Lily swallowed and agreed to Sienna's terms and reminded herself of the motto she adhered by last night: all in. That's what she had wished all those months without him. That if she had one more chance, it would be without doubt. Her and James were a chance. They were a chance, and she needed to stop overthinking it.

"Anyways, I think I have the dress you're looking for."

"Oh?" Lily asked as Sienna walked out of her room and came back holding a hanger with a sheet over it.

"I've never really had an opportunity to wear or need really. It's also not my style. It's actually my mom's dress. My dad gave it to me years ago, I think hoping I would wear to some sort of Wizarding Prom but I never did."

"Sienna," Lily said shocked. "I couldn't-" but she hushed as Sienna revealed the dress beneath. It was a long, airy gown with high silhouette slits that would leave her legs provocatively exposed at any movement against the tumbling silk. The capped sleeves led to a sweetheart neckline with a sheer, lace bodice, detailed with embodied swirls that would leave her pale skin shimmering. It was exactly what she had imagined.

"Just innocent and sexy enough, huh?" Sienna asked at Lily's stunned state. "My mom must have been a heartbreaker."

Lily nodded dazedly as she got up and touched the flowing material as it cascaded down her hand. She looked up Sienna. "I, I couldn't take your mom's dress-"

"You could, and you will! This dress was meant for a moment like this, and my mom would have wanted it for a moment like this. And James will flip," Sienna said in such a seriousness that had Lily giggling. "That is the most important part."

So Lily under Sienna's harassment, Lily dressed in the gown and felt luminous. It fit to her body to every last detail and when she twirled, she felt like everything could come together. Sienna sat on her bed, beaming at her as they looked at each other in the mirror.

"You look amazing," she said. "And remember, you don't need James to tell you that."

The two girls arrived at Potter Manor a little after nine o'clock and everything was already in swing, literally. People were milling outdoors with floating champion glasses, several kinds of horderves sliding between guests for their appetite. The house was lit with thousands of bright, glittering Christmas lights and the echoing sounds of hundreds of people clustered into Potter's Manor. Lily looked over at Sienna's who was gazing around in utter astonishment.

"Welcome to the Potters," Lily laughed as they stood by the entrance.

"You never told me they were loaded," she muffled as they made their way past the entrance and into the large hallway laced with real ruffles of snow on the ground. The center held a gigantic Christmas tree with hanging ornaments that sparkled and reflected against every mirroring light within the room. Christmas ivy and holly twirled around the staircases, bushels lining the walls, and mistletoe hanging in every opening hallway. "This is the craziest thing I have ever seen."

"Yup," Lily laughed as she had experienced similar shock the year before.

They walked slowly around the room, Lily allowing Sienna to take it all on in. They wondered over to the back and into the grand foyer that housed all the dancing couples. Behind them, layers and piles of food were being served to those gobbling them. The room was so crowded Lily wondered how she would ever find James in this mess.

"Lily!" she heard a cry from afar and turned to see Marlene and two other girls striding towards her.

"Marlene," Lily said, taking a deep breath before hugging her old roommate pleasantly.

"It's been so long! I can't believe you're here!" Marlene added in an undertone, and Lily didn't doubt some level of shock had to exist considering the last time she saw Lily, she was crying in James's arms begging him not to leave her.

"James invited me," she offered with a timid smile and Sienna squeezed her shoulder reassuringly.

Marlene looked over at Sienna and did a double take. "Oh, hello, I'm Marlene. Lily's former roommate at Hogwarts."

"Lily's current roommate in Cornwall," Sienna said shaking her hand with a striking smile. "I've heard so much about you."

"It's nice to meet you," Marlene said kindly enough though Lily saw the other girls look her up and down, and Lily realized one of them looked fairly familiar.

"This is Dorcas Meadows and Emmeline Vance," Marlene pointed and Lily remembered the tanned girl now, and further remembered how she had stared at her with confused disbelief.

"We met in Cornwall," Lily said politely to Dorcas.

She nodded, and Lily once more felt her confused disbelief.

"You two have met?" Marlene asked.

"Yes, actually I saw her with Sirius in Cornwall," Lily shared but she couldn't help notice the significant look that passed between the two girls. "How do you all know each other?"

The silence was overlapping and Sienna and Lily exchanged looks this time with Sienna clearly telling her, _weird friends!_

"We actually joined James and Sirius at the Auror Academy," Marlene replied finally and Lily's heart stuttered. She knew that already but why did it sound so dubious?

"You decided to become an Auror?" Sienna offered for Lily's benefit as the silence stretched.

"Not exactly, we're more assisting then anything…"

"Right," Sienna said as she looked over at Lily with lifted eyebrows. "That was super informative."

Obviously, there was a key element of information Lily and Sienna were missing, but the girls weren't offering and Lily wasn't a detective, she was a Healer.

"How's Mary doing?" she asked, changing the subject and the three girls relaxed.

"Oh, great! She's been working at this Apothecary in Diagon Alley. Snarky as ever, complaining about all the animal insides she needs to dissect and in lust with her trainer, of course," Marlene laughed, and Lily joined at the recognizable concept of Mary's dramatics.

"I was in Diagon Alley yesterday. Actually, that's where I ran into James…"

"Oh, that's so good! I'm so glad you two patched it up!" Marlene said genuinely happy and took Lily into her arms and gave the reluctant Lily a hug.

"Did more then patch it up," Sienna muttered under her breath and Lily's eyes widened at the statement.

"What?" Marlene asked but before she could inquire further the girl named Emmeline raised her hands and pointed at Lily.

"Wait! You're Lily Evans? The Lily Evans? As in Potter's Lily Evans?"

Lily's mouth opened slightly too bewildered to actually form a real sentence. "I guess…"

"Bloody hell! I cannot believe I'm meeting you! You knew this?" she accused to Dorcas who rolled her eyes. "Marlene, why didn't you say anything?"

Marlene seemed to be at her own shock for words, looking at Lily apologetically at her friend's semblance of control. "Well…"

Emmeline came forward again and took Lily's hand, shaking it heartily. "It's a pleasure to meet you. Truly."

"Uhh…" but even Sienna was looking at her with perplexed eyes.

Before the conversation could henceforth, Lily felt a tug on her back before she was twisted into strong arms. James took one glance into her eyes before giving her an earth shattering kiss that left many of the friends behind him chuckling, and others claiming, "So he wasn't lying!" and "Potter really did get Evans!"

When he decided to release her, he looked down at her piercingly, his hard breath feeling intimate against her cheeks. And all Lily wanted, in that moment, was to get him alone. His darkening eyes telling her he was thinking the same yearning.

"It's only been a few hours but I've missed you desperately like no one should have to miss anyone," he whispered tenderly for her ears only.

She brought her hands up to his upper arms and clutched his tightly. "I feel the same."

Realizing that escaping into the night to make wild love wasn't an option, he allowed Lily to take a step back in turn allowing him to get a good glimpse of her gown. He went stock still as he held her firmly at her forearms. His eyes were moving back and forth over her body, making her feel heated under his penetrating gaze. The room was left behind, the noise a playful hum and all was left was she in James's arms and him glancing at her as if she was the most extraordinary creature he had ever witnessed.

His hand traced over the silky material before tracing towards her hip. He looked down and Lily's breath caught in her throat as his eyes sparkled with obvious rapture. "You are by far the most beautiful person."

Lily blushed a deep red and the chatter of the room zoomed back into her like a boomerang. But even with the stares and the jokes, James was holding her in his arms like he was a fortunate man holding a precious gift.

"Mine," he said silkily as he ran his fingers through her loosely tousled hair and back down. "You're all mine."

"Yes," she affirmed as she draped her arms around his neck and gazed into his eyes. "I've always been."

"And always will be," he said, before bringing her lips back to his. They kissed passionately as his hands brought her closer to his longing body and she held onto him tighter, enjoying the rush of affection racing through her veins. It all seemed to fit…

Lily, when her lips were finally dislodged from James's, his arms still wrapped protectively around her, came face to face with not only the girls (who were openly gapping) but all three of James's former roommates and a batch of boys she had never met before. Uncomfortably with everyone staring at her, and obvious public display, Lily tried to shrink further into James's arms but to no avail as James was puffing his chest proudly. Lily groaned, what a prat.

"Well, that has developed," Marlene uttered, breaking the silence and Lily couldn't help grinning as Sirius whooped.

"Evans," Sirius stated amused as he came forward and took her out of James's arms and twirled her around the room as she squeaked. He put her down, winking at a scowling James before looking besides her, his gaze falling upon Sienna. He immediately stood straighter, unconsciously smoothing out the jacket of his dress robes.

Meanwhile, Lily hugged Remus and Peter who smiled kindly at her while James glared fiercely at his friends as he took back Lily and settled her happily into the curve of his shoulder.

"Relax, James," Remus said and everyone laughed at James antics besides Sienna and an apparent hypnotized Sirius.

"This is Sienna, by the way. My best friend from Cornwall," she said casually. "Sirius, you remember Sienna?"

"You're roommate," Sirius murmured.

Marlene's head snapped towards Sirius. "How do you know that?"

Her question didn't seem to faze him or he didn't even realize he was being asked a question at all as his eyes were fixed on the blonde American. And his weren't the only ones.

Lily had always known that Sienna thrived under being the center of attention, and not in a conceited air but rather in her engagement towards others. Sienna genuinely cared to hear what people had to say and was truly fascinated when they discussed their opinions. People naturally gravitated towards her because of this. It was made even worse considering how absolutely stunning the girl was. And tonight she was dashing in her green tight dress that showed off every curve and her blonde hair bouncing in neat curls.

Peter and Remus stood there gapping, and even the older boys who joined James' entourage joined Sirius in staring at her stupidly. Sirius, for that matter, had obviously not been warned of Sienna's arrival. Lily looked up at James in an amused question, who shrugged his shoulders knowingly.

"What? He kept asking about all the bite marks on my neck in front of my parents," he said innocently that had Lily opening her mouth in protest.

"I did not bite you!"

"That you remember," he said smugly, kissing her on the lips before she could stomp on his foot.

With Sienna and Sirius building the sexual tension between them, those milling around them turned towards James, as making fun of him was easier at this point. "Potter, why don't you introduce us to this pretty thing."

"Yes, Potter. And tell us also how you managed to bag her in a matter of 48 hours since we last saw you crying about her," Emmeline added.

James hid his face in the curve of Lily's neck, hugging her from behind that sent burning tightness down her spine. "Lily," speaking to her solely and ignoring the smirks lining his friends. "These are friends of mine."

She giggled lightly in his arms and looked up at him. "How do you know these friends?"

The same awkward tension filled the air in the manner of when she had asked Marlene that question. Everyone seemed to look away and even Sirius broke his sexual tension with Sienna as he looked down. She was obviously missing something no one seemed willing to share with her, and suddenly she felt itchy in James's arms.

"Work," a tall, beefy redhead said. "Fabian Prewett," he supplemented, shaking her hand as she released herself from James arms. She looked besides him and saw his twin who gave her a friendly grin.

"Gideon Prewett," and she shook his hand too. "It's nice to finally meet you. We've heard James moan about you too much."

James frowned at the twins as a handsome, slim but built figure gave her a smile. "Benjy Fenwick."

Lily shook his hand and looked back at James who was running his hands now through his hair. "And you all know each other from… work?"

The question was directed to the entire group who seemed to be in on the secret but she focused her gaze on James who was still running his hands through his hair and refusing to look at her. Actually, he was looking at anything but her. "When do you have time to work between the Auror Academy?"

The silence was tangible and Lily wondered how stupid she was going to come off, seeing how apparent James and everyone around her was lying. Merlin, she was so stupid to think this could work out with no more bumps…

"Lily, how's school?" Remus asked and she was grateful for his attempt even as James avoidance made any joy dejected.

"It's good… hard."

"You're in Healer training, right?" the boy named Benjy asked, and Lily decided she wasn't going to think about why these people knew so much about her.

"Yup."

"That's very impressive," Benjy kept on.

"What's your specialty?" the girl named Emmeline asked eagerly.

She looked over at James who was glowering at the floor. "I'm actually training to be a Field Healer for the Aurors."

Silence stretched. She might not have been an investigator but this was too much. To obvious. The pointed stare between James and Sirius could not be ignored. Lily brought her hands around her elbows and reminded herself that this was James's way: never to be out right truthful with his thoughts or feelings. It always had been so why was she surprised now? Wasn't she stronger than this?

"Only Lily though! Me, I'm more into the children. Helping them stay still, alive. That sort of thing. They are our future after all," Sienna rushed out and Lily was thankful for the thousandth time for that Texan.

The boys started laughing at her comments, asking her questions about schooling in the States, and she in turn started flirting with them. Sirius seemed to become distracted that he would need to compete for Sienna's attention, and James made his way back towards Lily and put a tentative hand on her shoulder. She looked at him from the side before facing him.

A prickly awareness was overtaking her. All of this James business was starting to feel like one massive, virginity taking mistake. She looked despondently over at Sienna who gave her a gentle smile and an encouraging nod but her heart was sinking and maybe the romance, the ecstasy and the expectation was a… a dark dream that could never result in a happily ever after.

"I want to dance," James whispered as both his arms came to hug her waist. When she didn't answer right away, James's eyes became anxious. "Lily, please dance with me?"

She slowly nodded her head, and they left the chatting group without a word. Tight against James side, she reminded herself that her and James were a chance. She always knew there would be things they could never discuss considering his precarious situation. It was a balming thought, and anyways, did she really want to know the more hazardous moments of his job? In the end, it was about her being with James. What may be, will be, she temporarily decided.

So with that, she stopped James. He glanced down at her confused before she pushed his head to meet her lips. Rising onto the tops of her toes, she pushed her body more firmly into his, opening her mouth and allowing the kiss to deepen overpoweringly as his hands wrapped tightly around her waist with a pressure claiming he never wanted to let go. This, his lips moving against hers, his hands tangled around her body, was something she could believe in. It was something she could hold onto.

When they released each other breathlessly, dancing seemed to be the last though from James's mind, and she giggled at his wild eyes.

"Evans," he murmured mockingly.

"Taking me dancing, Potter."

James led her to the edge of the dance floor and gathered her into his arms. Their gazes were locked only for each other as the haunting and sweet melody of the waltz surrounded them. Lily had only waltzed one time before and that had been at the last Christmas party with James. But this time, as James brought his hand to her back and she lifted her own to his shoulder, it felt very different. In front of the entire hall, with all to bare witness, James finally got the girl and she felt a pang of deep sorrow that this could have been hers much earlier if she had only let it be.

And then he swept her off her feet.

They passed by other couples that looked down upon them but the two only had eyes for each other. "I never want to let you go. You're so beautiful," he murmured.

"You mentioned that," she said with a sly smile as she brought her hand a bit higher to play with the ends of his hair.

"I'll keep mentioning it too. I wish I knew more adjectives to tell you in different ways how beautiful you look tonight."

There was a seriousness that resided in his tone that had never been there during Hogwarts, and Lily admired the way he had grown up. As his strong arms glided her across the dance floor, she realized the marauder in James very much still existed but the mischievous aspect dimmed. It disquieted her with a thirst to bring the old James back forth, hoping the resurgence of their relationship would bring much needed jolt of joy. For she had become so joyful in the last twenty-four hours.

He seemed to take a deep breath of her scent and pull him closer to his embrace and Lily, of course, went willingly. In that moment, under the dazzling chandeliers and Christmas lights, nothing could go wrong. She was living in a heavenly dream; one she had been so sure would never materialize. His arms were secure, leading her around the dance floor to the rhythm and she followed only his eyes. And she knew, his promise of hearts of hearts, without words or explanations, that for him Lily had always been and will always be his number one.

The song ended, and James didn't let go but kept her close, guiding her as a new song began. "If you don't mind, I want to dance with you for the rest of the night."

She nodded but added pertly, "I hope not all night…"

James gave her rough stare and his hands grasped her firmer. "You keep that up and my Mom will chainsaw me down the middle."

"Why is that?"

"Because the two of us will be caught with our trousers down making inappropriate noise in the house elves closet down the hall."

Lily giggled, smiling happily and he looked down at her with the same look. "Wouldn't want that would we?"

And so they continued and Lily felt like she was flying. When their feet tired they retreated only to meet up with their friends. Sienna and Sirius seemed to have elevated to the next step of their flirtations with Sirius hands tracing lightly at her back and Sienna's eyes twinkling as she laid a light hand on his thigh. They drank merrily, joked about pranks, and sniggered in reminisce about old teachers, filling Sienna in on Lily's days at Hogwarts and sharing tales of misfortune.

The cheery and drunken air of the group was calming, a sense of deep understanding between them for these people knew each other since they were eleven and things she might have had to explain to others, she didn't really need to explain to them – because they knew her. Granted, she was much closer to Sienna but that didn't change the fact that when she discussed the pranks between the Marauders, the rivalries between friends, the detentions shared, these people understood immediately what she was referring too, a closeness that could never be replaced.

Lily, who was feeling tipsy and aroused with James hands lingering low behind her thigh, excused herself to the ladies room, Sienna followed with a drunk, lingering gaze on Sirius. Lily smiled coyly at James who had been whispering stirring words throughout the event, informing him she was momentarily returning. He insisted on pulling her into his lap and kissing her goodbye zealously, and in front of everyone. Lily would have blushed if she hadn't been drinking but instead kissed him back just as zealously, cupping his face in her hands swinging her legs giddily. As walked away, she was sure to swing her hips invitingly. She heard James groan.

The two drunk girls laughed loudly through the line at random instances, holding each other upright as they were to intoxicated to stand still.

"It seems like things are moving well with you and Sirius," Lily intoned.

"Lily! You and James can't stop touching each other!"

"We can't, can we?" Lily said gleefully, as they walked out of the room and back into the packed one.

They held hands as they made their way back when they bumped hard into a few shoulders and sniggered as they tried to move away without notice until the side profile of one of the shoulders caught Lily's eye.

"Samson!" Lily cried happily, and the man turned fully around in surprise before Lily hugged their fellow friend, and then Sienna hugged Lily from behind.

"Lily! Sienna," he said merrily as he wrapped his long arms around the two girls, reaching all the way to Sienna's back. "What are you girls doing here?"

"We didn't know you would be here!" Sienna said completely knackered now, as none of them were willing to let each other go.

"Are you here alone?" Lily asked and then a dread entered her heart because suddenly a name flashed like a neon light: Smetty.

They finally released each other and Lily's panicked eyes flew to his and Samson cupped her cheek seeing the despair on her face. "Lily, are you okay?"

She shook her head hurriedly and looked over at Sienna who seemed to realize the same thing with huge eyes. "Samson, are you here alone?"

The demand was clear and Samson raised his eyebrows at the two smashed girls, pretending he wasn't just as sloshed as them. "What you two hiding?"

"Nothing!" They said in unison, but the red cheeks and the twitching eyes made Samson begin to laugh hysterically.

"Samson," someone said from the background and Lily saw in horror as Benjy Fenwick approached them. "I see you've met these two lovely ladies."

"Met? Me and these girls go way way back."

"You two know each other?" Lily yelped flustered.

Benjy seemed humored by Lily's obvious drunkenness, unsure if he should take her seriously or not. "We were in Ravenclaw together. How do you guys know each other?"

Lily jumped, literally, in front of Samson to hush him as he opened his mouth. "Yes, me and Samson, and Sienna," she added as Sienna's dignified cough, "are old school friends from Cornwall. Yes, yes. No other connection like boyfriend or romantic connection. As you can tell, so you can shuffle now and not mention to anyone about any romantic connection I do not have."

Benjy and Samson, both seemed unsure how to take Lily's minor tirade but before they could go further Sirius walked towards them and put a hand on Lily's shoulder. "Problem?"

Before he could continue, Sirius's gaze met Samson's, who before was taking every little thing the girls were saying in cute humor. Now his gaze narrowed at Sirius.

"Black," Samson said.

"Levy," Sirius said and Lily snapped her head towards him for she was sure _she_ didn't know Samson's last name. "I thought I knew you from somewhere."

"Me too," he nodded. But Samson was now looking between Sirius and Sienna and though it was horrible, and wrong, and bad of her, she realized that any suspiciousness that Samson had lay between Sirius and Sienna, not her.

"So you invite these two girls?" he asked casually and Lily looked at Sienna urgently. Sienna seemed to get the message, uncaring that this rappaport would head straight to Caleb.

"Something like that," Sirius said but before he could elaborate Sienna wrapped her arms around him, causing him to let go of Lily, and Sienna smiled up at Sirius. He was surprised at the sudden progression but was happy to comply until Sienna smacked her lips against his. He stood stock still (actually they all did) as Sienna moved enthusiastically against him. After a second, however, Sirius gained his wits and the two started drunkenly snogging in the middle of the hall, Sirius's hands moving dangerously low.

Samson gapped at Lily who gapped right back at him because when her wild eyes met Sienna's she had not expected that.

Sienna released herself from him and ignored his groan of protest, as she smiled right into his face, which seemed to mesmerize her every feature. "Hey," he murmured darkly.

"Hey," she responded with an enticing smile. "Wanna dance?"

Sirius just nodded his head and followed Sienna's lead to the dance floor and Lily thought watching them dance was watching something entirely inappropriate.

"When did that happen?" Samson asked. "I thought she was with Caleb…"

"I uh I uh…" but she trailed off looking for anything to help her thinking of something but her brain fuzzed as she made smoldering eye contact with James. He looked so attractive in his dress robes. "Oh! Look there's the Potters. I should go say hi," Lily rushed so she could just be close to him.

"You know the Potters?"

Samson wasn't stupid. Just like Lily wasn't stupid. But if the two of them had been a bit more sober they may have been able to solve this together because Samson was a rational actor. He had no invested interest in either Lily or Sienna outside of friendship. Yes, he was friends with Smetty and Caleb, but he was also friends with Lily and Sienna. So they could most definitely have solved this like the two Healer students they were. Entering Healing was, after all, the hardest profession in the Wizarding community. Everyone knew that.

But the fact of the matter was that Lily was one step from hammered and Samson had obviously been playing drinking games all night. No, nothing was going to be resolved between two drunken friends.

"I'm friends with their son," she uttered stupidly.

"James?"

But Lily had already turned around pretty much running over to the Potter's who were idly chatting. She didn't think for one moment how James had spent the night with her, how they had pretty much been caught with their trousers down this morning or that her and James hadn't officially decreed themselves a couple. None of that mattered less as she made her way over to the Potters. All in unison they noticed her approach.

"Lily, dear!" Mrs. Potter said excitedly as she took her into her arms and gave her a big hug. Mr. Potter was next and James grumbled besides them as he tried to remove Lily from his father's grip but for whatever reason Lily remained there. She liked the feeling the comfort offered.

"Oh, we were so excited when James told us he was taking you on a date!" Mrs. Potter exclaimed and Lily blushed as she made eye contact with a frustrated James who once more tried pulling her out of her father's arms but was shushed away.

"Mum!" James protested but his father just smacked him across his messy hair.

"James, can't we be happy for the two of you?" Mr. Potter asked affronted.

Lily bit her lip from smiling, "Yeah, James. Can't they just be happy for us."

James gaze met hers and his charmed face sparked a smile that had Lily's pulse beating roughly against her skin. She was sure Mr. Potter felt it, especially as the two Potter's looked over their heads and seemed to smile knowingly at each other.

Mr. Potter let Lily go and she seemed to gravitate towards James who took her readily into his arms. "Want to take a walk with me?"

She nodded, breathless just by his stare. And he led them out, out of the crowd, away from their friends, and into the enchanting gardens of Potter Manor. He started by holding her hands as they walked by the many flowers suspended near them, but his arm moved to her shoulder, eventually down to her waist until he was clutching her close to him with Lily's arms wrapped tight around him.

The Christmas lights were twinkling in the background, escorting the path as they walked to the glittering gazebo in the distance that overlooked the Potter's pond.

"I've wanted you alone all night," James said, breaking the silence.

She turned to look at him, stopping to kiss his open neck. "I've wanted you to take me away all night."

He stopped them, their footsteps crunching against the granite of the path. "Lily, you need to know…"

Her heart was beating terrifically against her chest knowing his words would only be a revelation leading them to the future securely or one that would be a cracking sidewalk.

"Yes?"

"There's so much going on with the war, with the Death Eaters. You have no idea how horrible it is," he started, his voice distraught and Lily brought a hand up to his cheek and cupped it, forcing him to look back down at her. He curled his hand around hers and held it there. "I just want to protect you…"

"We've talked about this," she said unsurely.

He twisted away from her, her hand falling but still twined with his. "No, you have no idea the horrors and atrocities I see every day! The death and torture! You think it's only spells out there, it's so much worse than that."

"James…" hesitant on what he was implying. "You're only in the Academy."

" _You think I'm only in the Academy! Of course not! I'm not in the Academy, I never even started the Academy!_ " he yelled, stomping away and Lily looked after him as he marched angrily to the gazebo. She should follow him, she knew she should but she didn't know what to do because all the puzzles were falling slowly into place. She had known when Sirius appeared in Cornwall, from the weird conversation with Marlene, the even weirder with James.

When she saw his shadow stand isolated in the gazebo and the distance that once more existed between them, her heart ached so intently that tears sprang to her eyes. She found herself running towards him, the only option she ever wanted to run too. And when she reached him, he grabbed her into his arms, holding her against him like he knew running would never do them any good. She would keep chasing and he would keep waiting.

"You have no idea the danger I'm in," he whispered roughly against her head but she hugged him, kissing his robes and looking at him with her tears.

"James, I don't care. I never did. You're all I've ever wanted."

He looked down at her desperately. "Me too."

"Then be with me," she told him back just as desperately. She stepped on her toes and cupped both his cheeks. "Just be with me. That's all I've ever wanted."

He looked so torn, so confused that Lily kissed him. To remind him how good it felt, how perfect they fit against one and other. How that all consuming feeling, that was rare. That was only them. Not everyone felt it. So she crushed her lips to his, pulling him close, deepening the kiss and losing themselves in each other because that's all they had. He lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist causing them to sway and he looked up at her when he released her lips, the starlight behind them.

"I have two weeks till I have to go back," he said brokenly, touching their lips again.

"Me too," she said breathing hard against him.

"It's different-" he started but Lily wouldn't let him finish so she wrapped her legs harder against him, letting him push her against the wall of the gazebo and reach under her dress to rip her panties. She kissed him fiercely as he unzipped his trousers because she didn't want to hear the words that their time was limited or that he was in danger. So when he thrust into her, she cried out deeply into the dark night knowing she would take him anyway she could. She wanted him, she needed him, he was all she saw when she looked into the future.

So she responded to his movements, no matter how tough he pushed within her because he felt so good, he made her feel so good because James was everywhere. And when they locked eyes and she felt his warm breath against her face, she clamped around him and climaxed, gripping his shoulder tightly as he thrust only harder and faster. She cried out deeply as he kept going, filling her, completing her, lost in his touch, his body, his pleasure. She opened her husky eyes, laying her sweaty head against his forehead. She wanted to spend every everlasting moment that she could with him, and when they got to the final spell they would deal with it then.

* * *

Lily woke the next morning feeling more groggy and disoriented than the morning before. She was naked, again. But her back felt a bit worse for wear; mortified to remember how her and James shagged against the gazebo wall!

She looked at James still slumbering face and shook him awake. "Wa-what?" he whined as Lily sat up against the headboard, grabbing the blanket to be sure he wouldn't get distracted, and looked down horrified at him.

"We had sex in the gazebo last night! What if someone saw?" she shrieked in a whisper.

James half opened his eyes and looked blearily over her rumpled state and pulled lamely at the blanket. She let it fall as he pulled her across his chest. "Lily, be reasonable. We also did it in bed later."

She smacked him across the chest and he laughed at her agitated state. "Be serious. If anyone saw…"

"No one saw, sweetheart. Now come here and give me a proper Christmas greeting."

In her hangover haze, she had completely forgotten it was Christmas. She lay atop him, enjoying the feeling of their naked chests together. She kissed his chapped lips and smiled. "Happy Christmas, James."

"Happy Christmas, Lily," he repeated, running his hands up and down her body.

She giggled at his touch, feeling his length stir beneath him and rolled away. "James! We can't, you're mum is probably preparing Christmas breakfast as we speak."

He pouted at her refusal every time she did refuse him, especially when she climbed into the shower and didn't let him join. She gleamed under the warm spray and when she climbed out, James was standing there completely naked brushing his teeth.

Two could play that game she thought and let her towel drop and walked out of the bathroom unashamed as she pulled on one of his pajama flannel shirts and a pair of old boxer briefs. He stared at her with his mouth wide open and she came over to him and lifted his chin closed.

"You best shower, love," she winked before turning away.

While he showered, Lily lounged on his bed, and smiled as she watched him dry off and put on a fresh pair of pajama bottoms and a white t-shirt.

"Like what you see?" he laughed as he came over to her and sat beside her laying form. She blushed as she nodded and he stroked her hair. "Want your Christmas present now or later?"

She shot up and looked at him. "James, I didn't have time to get you a pre-"

He kissed her quiet. "It's not anything new, I've actually had it for years. My dad gave it to me when he realized… Well, anyways, here."

He dropped a necklace into her hand and she looked down to find the matching necklace to her doe, expect instead of a doe lay a stag that was shining brightly in her hand.

"James… it's…"

"I want you to have something of mine, so you can remember why your Patronus is a doe," he said, kissing her lush lips at her continued silence.

She hugged him tightly and put it on, a similar sensation when she put her doe necklace on but this time instead of inherent warmth it was a vibrant haven. "I love it so much," she whispered fiercely as she kissed him lazily for a long, long time.

When they settled down enough, after serious heavy petting, they made their way out of James's bedroom, arm in arm and were about to walk to the staircase when a creak by the door had them pausing. They turned around and were faced with one seriously rumpled Sirius and an even more rumpled Sienna, who groaned at their open mouths.

"Oh, this is too good," Lily laughed at Sienna in last nights dress and seemed, for the first time in her life, speechless. "Sirius you could have least given her a pair of old pajamas."

"I knew it!" James yelled. "I knew you guys snuck off!"

"Whatever, at least we didn't bang in the gazebo," Sirius muttered as he wrapped a hand around Sienna and tugged her close, and who seemed happy to comply. "Want some old pajamas?"

Lily's eyes widened and she struck James hard against his chest. "I told you people could see us!"

* * *

TBC


	6. Forever Lasted Seconds

Chapter Six - Forever Lasted Seconds

Song Choice: XO by Beyoncé

* * *

Lily, James, Sienna and Sirius spent a somewhat embarrassing if not cheerful Christmas at the Potter's considering Fleamont and Europhria had no qualms making the foursome squirm as much as possible regarding their previous night drunken activities.

"The four of you just happened to disappear, all at once," Mr. Potter remarked dryly as the large, honey ham was floated onto the table. He waved his wand once that caused the ham to start carving itself. "Then you stumble down here disorganized. I remember what the year after Hogwarts was like, don't you, my love?"

Europhria eyes widened at his pronouncement and shot him her withering look. "Fleamont!"

"What? To think they are trying to convince me that Sirius and James slept in one room and the girls in the other. Do they think I'm deaf?"

Sirius let out a bark of laughter but Lily's cheeks turned as bright as her hair in mortification. When James moved to provide a semblance of comfort, she scrambled away to avoid looking at the very obvious hickey she had left on his neck.

"Fleamont, don't embarrass the children. Poor Lily's eyes are about to fall out of her sockets," Mrs. Potter chastised. "Oh, but James dear, you have a leftover branch in your hair."

James groaned at the humiliation and scoffed at Sirius's snigger and was about to smack his friend's head when his mother pointed at Sirius. "Oh, and Sirius love, you have scratches up and down your arms, maybe you should put dittany on them."

And on it went, much like that for the rest of the day (and most of the holiday). And even with the comments and the jest and pointing out the hickey, being in the presence with James and his family was more than Lily could have ever wished for. She was bubbly with embarrassment but even more overwhelmed with happiness. She had never felt so content, so utterly blissful staring at James over their Christmas breakfast and later Christmas lunch, especially when he would take her hand under the table. This was what people meant, she finally understood; from all the books she read and the way people talked… She was sure this was the inexpiable feeling of true love. And the way she was acting, this was what it did to a person. The passion brimming, the obsession, all-consuming need. She was convinced.

To some extent, Lily was vastly aware her and James had only been official for two days but she couldn't erase the mindset that she had been waiting for this sensation since Fifth Year. As if her body, her heart, mind and soul had been waiting since she was born to be this exuberant. It wasn't normal, but then again, love wasn't supposed to be.

Sure, she and James had much to talk about. His statements from last night. The future. But Lily knew better than anyone that sometimes things were better left unrushed. She was going to enjoy the moment she had been yearning for so long. And no one, not her doubts, or her worries, or her longing for the crystal ball would interfere.

* * *

Though James's parents took the mickey out James to levels that fully explained to Lily where James received his healthy sense of humor, at the same time they seemed to give their inherent approval of the blooming relationship. Mrs. Potter had given her a hand crafted, cashmere scarf for the holiday.

"Wow, thank you, Mrs. Potter. This is so perfect," Lily whispered as she tangled the willowing material around her neck that cascaded down her neck.

"Lily dear, call me Euphoria. At this point it's only appropriate," she said with knowing eyes as her gaze fell onto the boys hovered over the new Quidditch set Fleamont had bought James and Sirius. Her gaze returned to Lily who was looking at her with hopeful eyes.

"Okay, Euphoria," she said softly.

As the darkness descended, and Lily unfolded the blankets on James's bed, James came up behind Lily and hugged her to him. She reveled in the feeling before she looked up at him and smiled as he brushed a kiss against her neck.

"James," she murmured alluringly. "This has been the best Christmas."

"It's not over yet," he whispered against her soft skin. She glanced at him in confusion as he kissed her nose and led her towards the door. "We're going back downstairs. I have a surprise."

"But everyone is sleeping," she giggled quietly as she followed James down the hallway towards the staircase.

"That's the point, Evans," he uttered matter of fact as they came upon the large, warm Christmas tree that was twinkling in the firelight. Even though she had been surrounded by the tree all day, she couldn't escape the encompassing beauty as the light fairies remained and the tree glowed against the backdrop.

The stillness of the night was enchanting, and when Lily gazed up at James who had wrapped his arms around her back she knew what it meant to be wonderstruck by an experience.

James kept her wrapped tight against his body as they stared upon the dazzlingly tree. He nuzzled her neck lightly, leaving a light kiss. "I want to make love to you under the tree."

She held back a smile as she continued to stare into the tree. "A bit indecent, don't you think?"

"Maybe," he breathed against her neck before spinning her around, bending over and kissing her. They kissed longingly in the shadow of the lights as they held each other. The kiss grew in intensity, fulfilling their burning desire that didn't evaporate no matter that they had spent the entire night before together or that long afternoon in bed together. It didn't matter, Lily acknowledged, as she hypnotically clung to him. The tangible feelings, the sensation, she would never have enough and no one would be bale to replicate, she was sure of it.

Lily moaned in complaint as James released her, her eyes mock glaring. She planted small kisses on his collarbone, unbuttoning his shirt slowly as he looked down at her with slight amusement. As each patch of skin was revealed, Lily left open mouth, hot kisses that had James biting his hands into her hips.

"Lily," he whispered against her lips as he leaned back to look at her face, "I need to cast the silencing charm."

She couldn't help but smile as she wrapped her arms around him and rocking her body against his, "Nothing is stopping you."

Bending down, he kissed her deeply as if he couldn't have enough before releasing her with a harsh gasp. "You're such a vixen. I can't stop kissing you."

He let go and quickly grabbed his wand to cast the charm before looking back to her standing there in the middle of the room.

When she lifted her lips for another kiss he adhered ardently, slipping his tongue into her mouth. The kiss grew steadily deeper, slower, demonstrating his want, his need. James made a low sound of pleasure and pulled her nightgown over her head leaving her bare. He looked her up and down, cupping her breast slowly in his hand, her nipple tightening at his strokes.

"I've never wanted anything the way I need you," he told, pulling her to the ground and removing the rest of his clothes.

With the ache of growing desire, Lily dipped her hand lower and found his hard erection. "I need you so much, James," she whispered as she stroked him in the darkness. She scrapped at the skin between his neck, and he let out a harsh groan as he kissed her brazenly.

"More," she demanded with a soft, breathy sigh as the tips of her breasts brushed his chest.

His erection nudged between the slick wetness between her legs, sliding inside her as her breath caught between her throat with him pushing forward. She moved her hands up and down his tense body, and Lily distinctly realized that for whatever reason James was determined to take it slowly.

With another thrust, he sank further into to her wet, wet heat as she arched back to feel him more inside of her. She could feel her own liquid against his thigh as she lifted her legs higher around his body. James groaned as he buried himself deeper, sucking at her neck as she clenched around him, and the heated pleasure vibrated throughout both of them.

As he moved above her, Lily uttered soft sounds of pleasure, rocking against his hips to meet his bewitching rhythm. His hands felt everywhere as he teased with firm twists and gentle tugs, moving slowly down to grip her bottom, thrusting harder as any control seemed to slip from his grasp.

"You're mine, Lily," James rang coarsely as her climax fast approached, dragging her forward and thrusting harder with each groan. James sat back on his knees and grabbed her hips in tight shallow thrusts, his lack of control captivating as she braced her at her sides. Hearing his rasps of pleasures reminded her that James's neediness for her met her own, leaving her with the heady knowledge that only they shared these moments.

His hand moved downward and touched her now swollen clit leaving unbridled lust to sweep through her. She cried out and exploded as he continued to thrust, riding out her climax that only helped build another. With one final, powerful thrust, James braced his feet and plunged into her as she met his hips, climaxing in satisfied moans. He dropped his head behind him before collapsing beside her.

"That was amazing," she whispered into his sweaty shoulder as she turned to face him.

He took her hand in his own, playing with her fingers. "I do my best."

She laughed as he at her with happy, content eyes. "For now anyways."

He shook his head and with serious eyes, "For always."

With those words thumping against her chest, she kissed him again and refused to imagine anything that could tear them apart. Not even Merlin himself would have been able to pull Lily out that moment.

* * *

The days that followed were a mix of laughter, picnics, snow fights, old jokes with old friends and romantic strolls in the Christmas lights surrounding London. Lily and James predictably were heavily enraptured in themselves with gags about their over exaggerated public affection, which had very little impact on stopping the two from their excessive amounts of public display of affection. James couldn't keep his hands to himself and Lily was a happy complier to his inappropriate touches in public or otherwise.

Twice they had already been comprised: a few days after Christmas they had been invited to a small shindig with a few Hogwarts alumni (that Lily noted consisted almost entirely of the alumni she had met at James's Christmas party). Lily had worn a thin fabric, short halter style dress, and even though she was wearing stockings, James couldn't stop staring at her legs, especially when she put on heels. James had pulled her away claiming important business that really was 'come with me to the bathroom so I can shag you'. No one had been fooled so that when Fabian barged into the bathroom claiming he thought James was choking Lily to death with all that noise, James was actually cupping her bare breasts and Lily had her hands down his pants to her own utter, utter humiliation and James's serious amusement. He kindly told Fabian to take a hike so he could finish business. He tried, but Lily had firmly remained red for the rest of the night.

The second was the preplanned New Years Day brunch. After the drunk shenanigans of the night before, James's gang met up at Diagon's Alley but when James and Lily didn't show up (Lily and James finding each other's naked bodies much more interesting that morning) the gang Appareted into their room mid thrust causing Lily to shriek so loud James had remained deaf for over an hour.

A few days after New Years, Lily took James to her old neighborhood to show him her old house and where she grew up. As they held hands down the street and walked down her old road, Lily remembered nostalgically Petunia and the park they used to play at and later the same park her and Severus would meet at when they would come home from the holidays. She told James as much as he silently strolled beside her.

"Do you miss them? Your parents, I mean," James asked as looked into the old windows of her home. The one she hadn't to since her parents died.

"All the time, like I miss talking to my mom when things get complicated or just getting advice from my dad," Lily whispered, her voice breaking towards the end that had James pulling her closer into his arms and kissing the top of her head. "But sometimes it gets easier, mostly I think I just forget."

"And Petunia?"

Lily gave him a sardonic look and stuck her tongue out at him. "That's just… that is what it is. I can throw as much logic as I want at her but she has her point of view and I can't break through that. I don't even want to try anymore."

"Yeah?" James velvety soft voice floated through in the cold air and Lily felt the comfort he provided her to her very core.

"My only regret is I feel my parents would be truly upset knowing we aren't close but then again we weren't very close before they died anyway. But I think they always hoped," Lily said with a shrug of her shoulders. "I think I've had enough."

James led her forward and Lily followed him. She took one more look, and continued forward. "And Snape?"

Lily hesitated as she looked up at James face that revealed nothing. "Does it make you uncomfortable?"

He turned to face her and looked down at her reddened cheeks from the cold breeze. "What?"

"That I used to be friends with Severus?"

James paused, contemplating before brushing a lose strand behind her ear. "I'm never going to like the idea but I'm not going to hold you accountable for being friends with him when you were younger. And you should give yourself a bit more credit, once you realized the darkness in him wasn't going anywhere you stopped being friends with him."

Lily nodded and let her hands drop to clutch his own. He twined their hands together. "Sometimes I feel like I should have tried harder… like, maybe if I hadn't abandoned him he could have turned out… better?"

James squeezed her hand. "Lily, you instinctively want to help anyone, it's in your nature. But you can't help someone who won't help himself. Snape can only change if he really wanted it for himself. He can't do it for you or because of you."

"I guess you're right… I just can't help thinking if I had just tried differently," Lily shrugged as they resumed walking against the empty street. "It's a bit odd to think that one day we could meet again, but only through battle. That how could two people who had once been best friends end up enemies because of ideology? I've been thinking about that a lot lately."

"Snape was born into his ideology and chose his path. You too."

"Isn't it fascinating," Lily started. "How two people who are friends, were friends, potentially could be friends but all that friendship however it is is behind them because of a philosophy. Like the Wizarding world is fighting a war, and how this war divides people based on belief."

"Their belief is inherently wrong. Their goal is to remove people like you from society. That makes this war more than necessary, but detrimental to our kind."

She looked over at him and smiled at how strongly he stood his stance, like a true warrior. "Of course, James… I just wonder, how do we end it?"

"By fighting them."

"Right, but what happens after we are done fighting. Then what? We can't remove everyone who believes that from society can we? These people are our neighbors. I mean, even if we remove a good majority of them we can't remove them all, and we can't remove the ideology. It might just stem somewhere else tomorrow, or the same night, and the ideology could become an even more radical notion than what exists today."

"Lily…"

She looked over at James and laughed at his wariness at her comments. "I'm just saying that the tools of our enemies, the spells, the ideology are variables. It's not dependent on us, really, at the end of the day. I wonder what happens afterwards. Like what the Ministry plans to do with all these interchanging ideas to, well, suppress their knowledge…"

"I thought you were studying medicine," James joked looking down at her.

Lily bit her lip. "I am… but this fascinates. I think about it because of Severus… I think about it because of you…" she said with her luminous eyes. "I think about the hope, if there is any for the future. Sometimes I look ahead and all I see is darkness. It's like love isn't enough here."

"Did you love him, Severus that is?"

Lily looked over at James and controlled her inner smile as James raised his hand to his hair and struggled to remain neutral. "I loved him as a friend definitely. I might have loved him more, I don't know but then again his way was different then mine even then."

He looked over at her curiously, his hand ceased moving at the top of his head. "What do you mean?"

"Almost like… well, I always knew we had a different compass. Not even a moral compass. Just compass. He was never generous, never reliable. I didn't feel secure or safe when I was with him. And all those things, I eventually understood, was what I yearned for," Lily said looking up at James with open eyes, "and I didn't truly comprehend that until, well, we became such good friends Seventh Year because I started feeling that with you. We made each other stronger, better and I knew that's what I wanted out of a relationship. Severus was so busy always thinking about what he wasn't, and that alone would never have made us a capable match."

James stopped and looked down at her, holding her close to him. "Lily… I'm-"

"I know," she hushed as she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him softly. She cupped his cheeks and stared into his concerned hazel eyes. "I know."

He held onto her for a moment, looking deep into her eyes. For a split moment she was sure he would finally say he loved her but the hesitation in his eyes lasted too long and he broke off and they once more began walking. The cold feeling more bitter now, Lily thought.

"That politics stuff you were talking about before…" James began unsurely. "Where… I mean, exactly, who or well-"

Lily looked over at him and bit her lip, unsure how she wanted to explain this to James. "Sirius told you about Smetty?"

James glanced over at her and took a deep breath. "That's his name?"

Lily shrugged with one shoulder. "Yeah… his nickname, anyways."

"Did you two- go out?" James rushed out and if Lily hadn't been so uncomfortable with the conversation she might have thought his reaction was adorable. He was, after all, trying so hard.

"No."

"Oh… That's good." Lily gave him a soft smile but didn't add anything further. "Did you want to go out with him?"

She stopped and looked up at James and kissed his chapped lips briefly before continuing onwards. "You were gone and for all I knew that moment at Hogwarts was the end of it. I moved on and maybe I would have gone out with him after Christmas."

"When Sirius told me about him I decided I was going to find you."

Lily snapped her hair to look at him with accusing eyes. "So our meeting in Diagon Alley?"

James laughed. "Was an accident. But I would have sought you out anyways, at least to talk to you. I was gutted at the idea of you with someone else. It was all I could think about for days. I wrote you a million letters but I was told anything I had to say should be said in person, that I wasn't very articulate in the word format."

Lily chuckled. "What if Smetty and me had been together?"

James gave her a guilty smile. "I can't say it would have stopped me," he paused before giving a hard look to the open road. "We belong together and I knew you knew that before I got around to it. I was scared that if we didn't try at least once you would forget about me and we would never have our chance at all. And that was something I would never forgive myself for."

His sweet but raw words soaked through as she stared at him awestruck, James's feeling never so obviously put on the table. She bubbled with the knowledge and hugged him to her.

"I never forgot, James. I never will."

She felt him nod atop her head and they stood hugging in the middle of road for a long moment.

"We have to stop stopping or we will never get to the town center," Lily laughed as they once more made their way.

They walked in silence for a few moments and Lily could feel James's sweaty hand. "There's a Quidditch match tomorrow," James finally said into the quiet, "Me and the boys have been planning to go ages."

"Oh," she muttered. "Can't those last for days?"

He nodded mutely, and Lily tried not to pout into the icy weather at the idea of losing valuable time with him when they had so little of it.

"Right, well… I hope you have a good time," she finally said through a fake smile. "It will probably be nice, spending time the guys. They've probably been feeling neglected a bit."

"Lily," James said in a smooth smile as he caused both of them to stop in their stance. "You really think I'm going to go off for days without you? I wrangled two extra tickets for you and Sienna."

Lily's eyes brightened immediately as she hit him on the shoulder. "That wasn't funny!"

He grinned. "Hey! I thought you would have better faith in me than that." But by then Lily jumped into his arms and wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him hopelessly. "We stopped again."

James stared memorized up at her as he clutched her. "Did we?"

"Yeah," Lily said with a proud smile. "I've never been to a Quidditch match before, you know. Not outside of Hogwarts, this is going to be so exciting!"

"You've never been to an official match before?"

"You knew that, silly," Lily laughed as she jumped out of his arms and raced forward. She looked back at James still standing there and rolled her eyes. "Are you going to catch up?"

He shook his head at her antics as he strode forward and caught her in his arms, swinging her around into the stale snowy atmosphere and Lily didn't feel the bitter cold any longer.

* * *

"I'm just so happy!" Lily proclaimed as she danced with Sienna the next afternoon in their unused rented flat as they packed for the Quidditch game. "When I'm not with him, I'm thinking about him, and when I'm not thinking about him, I'm talking about him. I've just… it's almost stupid how fast this is happening and it's like a rational part in my brain is like 'Lily, brakes!' but… I'm just so happy!"

Sienna grinned at her unabashed. "I know the feeling."

Lily folded a large, golden sweater and black jeans as she glanced over at Sienna. "How is that going?"

"Amazing, actually, amazing. He's just so… I never thought I would meet someone like him. So rash but so…"

"I totally get it," Lily said.

With a loud knock at the door, Lily flew forward and opened the door to find James and Sirius standing behind it with their mischievous smiles. Sirius walked past Lily as James pulled her into his arms and kissed her as if it hadn't been only two hours since they had last been in each other's arms.

"Hi," she smiled happily as she leaned back.

"Hi yourself," James said as he bent down for another kiss and would have stayed their much longer if Sirius hadn't interrupted them.

"Okay love birds, time out. We need to get going or Peter will have a nervous breakdown if we don't show up."

Lily laughed as James took her hand and pulled the bag with their tent over his shoulder. Lily couldn't help admiring her rugged man. He was so handsome, she thought as she twirled a piece of her hair around her finger and ignored Sirius and Sienna as they gave her knowing looks.

The foursome Apparted together to the campsite in Eastern England where an eager Peter and Remus were already waiting. Lily hugged them both as they made their way to their slotted outposts were James had made the reservation. As they walked, the boys ran into one person and then another and then another of which they knew leaving Lily and Sienna to stroll along happily behind them as they took in the outstanding sights of an official Qudditch match.

"This is crazy, I've never seen anything like it. Not even official Qudopot gets this crazy I think…" Sienna uttered to Lily in her ear and Lily giggled in response. "Secret?"

"Yeah," Lily answered.

"I don't think I've ever seen a real Qudditch game before…"

The two girls giggled as they walked right into Sirius's abrupt halt. He turned around and looked at her with astonishment. "What did you say?"

Sienna laughed at his reaction and flicked her hair over her shoulders without shame. "You heard me, Black."

"Don't you have Quidditch over there in the colonies? I knew there had to be something wrong with you," he lampooned as he knocked against her head.

"We refined Americans prefer the more hands on Qudopot," Sienna playfully at Sirius. "Too tell you the truth I don't even know who is playing," she said to groaned responses from all the boys.

"Lily, please tell me you know who is playing," James begged as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Sorry," she said adorably as James groaned and buried his face into her neck.

"Who would have thought a girlfriend of Sirius Black's would never have been to a Quidditch game before," Peter joked.

"She's not my girlfriend," Sirius scoffed absentmindedly.

Sienna's playful eyes vanished. "What?"

It seemed Sirius realized his absent-minded words instantly and wanted to retract quickly. He reached out for her but she shoved his hand away. "I didn't mean-"

"Seemed pretty clear to me," Sienna retorted, cutting him off and moving physically away from him. "So what exactly do you think of me if not your girlfriend? You're side piece?"

Sirius's shoulders locked, clearly unprepared for this sharp turn. Also for an obvious conservation he hadn't thought too much about. "Sienna, let's talk about this not here, in private."

"It's a pretty simple question I think."

"Sienna," Sirius said moving towards her but she sniffed before turning and marching away. "Sienna! You don't even know where you are going," Sirius yelled following as he tried grabbing her elbow.

She pushed him away. "Don't touch me."

"Sienna!" Sirius said, his voice shifting to anger as Sienna twisted around and glared at him. "Don't be stupid."

" _Stupid_!" She seethed. " _Stupid_! You're right. I am stupid for thinking this was more than what it was. What kind of girl do you think I am? A girl who sleeps with random boys because I'm easy? No, that's not me at all! But, hey, thanks for changing that."

He paused at her words, his anger evaporating. "Sienna…"

"Just stop. Let's just go to the campsite."

The group looked at Sirius and Sienna then each other with James taking initiative and leading the way forward, Sirius by his side. Lily observed as they immediately began talking in hushed silence without glancing backwards. She turned to Sienna and wrapped her hand around hers shoulders and followed the awkward silence. Lily saw Sienna's misty eyes, and she pulled her closer as the group continued to walk.

"Here we are," James said as they walked to the middle of a crowded area with three empty slots.

"Why are there three slots?" Peter asked indigently as he looked over at his three friends. "I thought it was going to be the four of us in a tent, the girls in the other."

James laughed as he moved towards Lily and pulled her into his arms. "My friend, when you have a beautiful lady friend the way me and Sirius do you won't be asking stupid questions like why we won't be sharing tents."

"That's what you think of me?" Lily asked with a calm smile, "a 'lady friend'?"

James mocked glared down at her and flicked her nose. "Don't be snarky, Evans."

"Or what?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," he murmured seductively.

"Build the tent and we can discuss all about it," she said with a slight poke towards the three separate bags. He gave her one last lusty smile before looking down at the tent Sirius opened and dropped with all the contents rolling onto the grass.

"Don't worry, Peter," Sienna said as she wrapped her jacket more closely around herself and sat on the hard ground. "You'll be sharing a tent with Sirius no problem."

Sirius groaned in frustration at her statement and went to building the tent with the other three Marauders as Lily and Sienna watched on drinking hot butterbeer they had purchased.

As the boys got busy, Lily turned to her friend who was glaring at her bottle. "Sienna…"

"I know."

"I agree with you, completely. But don't… just don't sell him short just yet."

She continued to glower. "I just feel so stupid, is all. Like I should have known better then to get invested in Sirius Black."

"And don't sell yourself short either," Lily said firmly.

She shrugged vulnerably. "I can't help it."

The tiny words coming from her larger than life friend had Lily pulling her close and hugging her. Sirius looked over at them at the same moment and Lily looked at him with raised eyebrows in which he just shook his head helplessly in response; Sienna purposefully looked away.

But watching them struggle to put the tent together, Muggle style, was quite amusing and seemed to cheer Sienna up who continued to remain surely. It had taken them at least twenty minutes to build one side of one of the tents.

"You know, Lily" Sienna said loud enough for the boys to hear but in a tone to remind them they weren't invited in her conversation. "I used to go camping every summer with my family since I can remember."

The four boys stopped all their action and turned to blonde.

"What?" James demanded with narrowed eyes.

She shrugged innocently. "No one asked."

"I'm asking," James declared as he handed her a metal rod. She got up, wiping off the dust from her pants and built the first tent in five minutes. The second one in less and the third one all in sixteen minutes combined.

"Easy peasy," she said with a smug smirk directed at Sirius who scowled at her.

"Okay, I've had enough. Get in," Sirius ordered, pointing to the opening of their tent.

"I'm not getting into any tent with you. I'm not your _girlfriend_ , remember? I don't get into tents with random dudes."

Sirius scowl turned ferocious, as he took deep breath. "Get. In."

"No," she said standing defiantly. "You aren't going to shag me out of this. You and your perfect body can go have a wank all by itself."

Sirius seemed to bite his lip so hard that Lily was sure it would begin bleeding before he released it. She almost wanted to laugh at the scenario but stood still as Sirius walked fiercely towards his none girlfriend and kissed her passionately in front of everyone.

"Get in," he breathed into her mouth when he released her.

And Sienna, breathless as ever, followed his order, looking back at him in annoyance when he patted her bum lightly.

* * *

It seemed the drama from earlier past considering the affection between the two was grossly unstoppable. However, whatever they had resolved seemed to have worked. As the group walked towards the game, their faces remained glued together and Lily couldn't help sniggering at Sirius who didn't look so tough now.

"There cute," Lily said to James right before the game begun, his hand slung around her shoulders.

"Whatever you want to call it."

She looked up at her own… well she wasn't quite so sure herself. She knew to some extent she had avoided the subject, and she assumed he was doing much of the same. Lily was insecure enough to admit that part of the reason she avoided the topic was his fierce opposition the first time it had been mentioned. So Lily watched her words, talked in broad, general sentiments in which he did the same. It was easier she decided. And… to some extent, his words, his touches and his actions spoke for something. So she decided to focus on that more then any words he could throw at her.

Instead, she enjoyed the game and smiled contently as James explained everything she didn't understand sweetly into her ear or the way his hand remained high on her thigh leaving her tingling and wishing the game was over.

But the game was far from over, and three and half hours in Lily felt herself fading and decided it was a losing battle.

"James," she murmured into his ear and he flicked down to look at her, she felt her heart rate accelerate. His attention so swiftly shifting to her leaving him mesmerized in his gaze.

"Evans?"

"I'm getting tired, do you mind if I head in?" she whispered, moving her hand up his chest. He took it warmly into his own, kissing her palm.

"It's getting dark, I'll walk you."

"I don't want you to miss any of the game," she said in a hushed voice.

He stood up, pulling her with him. "I'd rather be with you anyways."

Lily smiled warmly up at him, thrilled by the look in his eyes, her veins vibrating with its meaning, because she knew he loved her, that he wanted to be just with her. They stood to leave but Sienna glanced over and jumped up.

"Are y'all leaving?"

Lily nodded, too comforted by James arm around her to open her voice.

"I'll come with," she said trying to quickly pushing them out of the box before Sirius noticed she was gone (which seemed hard considering he was staring at the pitch as serious as his name). "I'm so bored."

James let out a bark of laughter that caught Sirius's attention. "You leaving?" he demanded.

"It's cold and late," Sienna said with a squinty smile. "Me and Lily were just making our way." She grabbed Lily out of James's embrace that had Lily whining as James slipped from her arms.

"The game isn't over yet," Sirius exclaimed and Sienna smiled saccharinely.

"Well then hope it ends quickly because I'll be waiting for you in the tent."

With that, she left with Lily, the other occupants of the box laughing at their wake. Lily pouted as she followed the steps of her friends before she heard the deep voice of James calling out for her.

"Lily," he said grabbing her arm and turning her into his embrace, where she belonged.

"Yeah," she breathed.

But he didn't say more and dropped his head to kiss her amorously, wrapping his hands around her body and pulling her closer where she felt his heavy body against her lithe one. And Lily lost herself, forgetting she was cold and tired and bored, the loud sounds vanishing and all that was left was he and she. As he slowly pulled away, the wetness from his lips staying with her, she stared up at him in wonder as the gentle touch of his body consumed her.

"Wait for me, yeah?" he whispered silkily against her parted lips.

She nodded dumbly as she watched him walk back into the box, and probably would have stayed standing there if Sienna hadn't shaken her.

"Where you guys having a moment? Did I interrupt a moment? Please tell me I didn't interrupt a sexy moment?"

"You interrupted a moment," Lily said as she finally turned in the direction of the campsite.

Sienna groaned as they started making their way. "Ugh, I'm so dumb. Why didn't you say anything?"

Lily laughed and tucked her elbow with Sienna's. "It's okay, we will have our moment later I'm sure."

Sienna laughed deeply at that and turned one more glance at the arena. "It's amazing isn't it? All that magic?"

Lily glazed at the glittering lights, lights by magic and nodded. "I used to fall asleep some nights at Hogwarts astounded as if one day my headmistress would come into my dorm and tell me they made a massive mistake."

"And now?"

Lily quietly contemplated the question before stating her truth. "This is where I am meant to be."

"I get that," Sienna said. "When I was home for summer I felt like I had nothing in common with my family anymore. It's like, I still love them obviously but when Jack took me to a college party it was like I didn't know how to speak the language and their culture was different. They talked politics and movies and I didn't have anything to say because I didn't know anything. It's like both of us have wars, right? But ours are different, and I know nothing about theirs because I haven't asked to learn but also I don't care because it doesn't personally effect me."

Lily looked thoughtfully over at her friend, her friend that had an entire family at home who loved her. Lily had no family, nothing to lose. But Sienna had everything to lose. "It's just a different life."

"I guess… you know, I was talking to Stuart right before I left, explaining to him the whole You-Know-Who business and he starts analyzing it, giving suggestions, and I just… shut down? Like almost got mad at him. I wanted to shout out him! Stuart, my little brother. It was a weird feeling because what does he actually know?"

"It's easy to give away advice when you don't live it day to day," Lily said simply.

"Exactly!" Sienna exclaimed. "That's exactly how I feel. How did you know?"

"Haven't you figured it out? I know I everything."

They raced back to the tents to escape the cold, and Lily invited Sienna into her and James's tent for a cuppa.

"Jeeze, this coldness would be worth it if it just snowed!" Sienna shivered as Lily shot her wand to the fireplace.

"If it was snowing it would be freezing and we would be wetter and our feet would be cold."

"As opposed to this?" Sienna said as she grabbed her cup and brought it up to her lips for warmth. "I can't feel my face!"

Lily joined her at the table, picking up her own glass. "So you and Sirius made up?"

Sienna smiled into her cup and shrugged her shoulders before looking up at her. "Yeah… we talked about it."

"And…"

"I guess you could call me Sirius Black's girlfriend."

The joke was in Sienna's voice but she heard the luxury of it too and Lily smiled softy at her. "I'm happy for you."

"Me too," Sienna said biting her lip. "He's… he's everything I think I ever wished for. He makes me feel like I belong somewhere."

"I know," Lily said, thinking about her own circumstance, thinking about James. "So the two of you decided to stay together once you go back to school?"

Sienna nodded, circling her cup with her finger. "He told me very firmly there would be no more Caleb's or other men in my life or he would come back and curse every single one of them including me."

A small pinching feeling entered Lily but she ignored it, unsure of what it meant. "He didn't talk about his job being dangerous or anything?"

Sienna looked at her blankly, to innocently that Lily realized the idea had never crossed her mind at all. They had obviously never even broached the subject either. "Can't be too dangerous considering he's only in school. They don't take Auror trainees into the field until after their second year. If anyone should know that it would be you, silly."

Lily nodded her head numbly as the pinching grew to a clanging reverberating throughout her ears. "Right."

"Look at us, two girls who started the year helpless now with boyfriend's. Who would have thought?"

Lily went to respond when she realized James wasn't her boyfriend, or was he? She glanced over at Sienna sure her confused expression was depicted pointedly. The clanging jerked her forward when Sienna touched her hand.

"Lily?" Sienna asked concerned.

"It's nothing. Me and James uh," she blinked rapidly trying to ease the noise. "We haven't actually made it 'official'."

Sienna said nothing, and Lily bit her lip, suddenly confused why her throat was choking up when she thought about Sirius committing himself to Sienna so effortlessly. "I'm sure you just need to talk about it with him, Lily. Any fool can see how much he loves you."

Tears splashed at the top of her eyelashes. "I know, I don't know why I am getting so emotional, really. It's just we talked about it once and he got…" What did he get? Defensive? Angry? Unwilling to commit? Lily shook her head. Sienna was right when she said that James loved her. She could feel it, isn't that what she kept telling herself?

 _But sometimes love isn't enough_ , a small voice whispered in her head that she immediately shook off.

"It's nothing," Lily said firmly. "Really, we'll talk about it before I leave for school."

"Of course," Sienna started but in that moment James flounced into the tent, his face windswept, his cheeks rosy from the cold. The two girls jumped apart but James only had eyes for Lily.

The sexual tension was so tangible Lily was sure Sienna could touch the electricity.

"How… how was the rest of the game?" Lily finally uttered.

James eyes darkened as he stepped forward. "It's over now."

They didn't hear Sienna move to the edge of the tent, or say her goodbye and when James took Lily into her arms she didn't think about anything else expect to accept him.

"All I thought about was you naked in bed for me tonight," James whispered into he throat before bringing her body to his and kissing her so possessively that it told her the depth of his feeling. "Let me love you."

"You have me," she whispered truly aroused from his words.

His skin was cold from the outside, his hair famously tousled but in the firelight his body glowed in the warm light. She needed him with every fiber of her being, nothing would have made her reject him, and she was sure she would admit him forever. She hungered for his strength, for his virility. And when he dragged her to the bed, peeled off her clothes, there were no smiles or teasing but a fierceness that occupied her that when it was over, her staggering breath echoed long into the night as they curled around each other and fell into a dark sleep.

* * *

"This is my favorite pub," Lily stated as they entered through a creaky door into a packed room filled to the brim with young, reckless, and cheerful youths drinking away their sorrows before venturing back to Uni. "Me and Sienna discovered it a few days ago!"

"It's pouring rain and you want to go pubs!" James laughed as he swooped down and pulled her close into his arms to maintain heat.

"It'll be fun you'll see! Promise," she said cutely up at him.

His eyes wrinkled as he smiled down at her. "Promises. Promises. But whatever my lady wants she shall receive."

She felt James's arm wrap around her shoulder and she looked at him, beaming happily as he pulled her close into the crook of his arms. They found a high top, empty table and James pushed Lily's chair close to his in order to keep his arms around her.

They had spent every single day of vacation together, and not once had she gotten sick of him and he of her. She giddily smiled up at him and he looked warmly down at her, barely allowing his eyes to stray as the waitress came over and looked at them expectantly.

So they ordered their beer and chips without thought, and James stroked her back and she stroked his hair as he lowered his lips and kissed her. It was all a dream. People weren't allowed to be this deliriously happy, she was sure of that.

But being this happy also meant she had pushed aside all her worries, all her concerns, her fears… like the fact that she was to return to school in two days and they hadn't brought up their future once since that night two weeks ago on Christmas Eve.

Lily decided tonight she would bring it up. It had to be positive. There was no going around it because she there was no way this could be negative. She felt his love for her when he touched her, held her hand, when he was talking to other people. They had become one and they were meant to be. So Lily decided even if James would be hesitant or unsure she would fight for them. She would forgive James of his worries about the war because they were legitimate but she refused to let him go just because of the war.

"You've been quiet tonight," James whispered into her ear before kissing it.

She looked over at him, and he pulled at the sides of her dark winter orange hat. "I've just been thinking what's it going to feel like once I got back to school. I bet Cornwall will be freezing up in those cliffs." James stilled at her words, almost exactly like she had predicted but she was on a mission. She looked at him and kissed his nose. "Think you'll miss me?"

James's dark eyes took her in, and she could tell right away he was not amused at her false bravado. "Lily… let's not."

She tried not to let his outright rejection of the subject effect her and gave him instead a small smile. "It's just that Sirius and Sienna and their boyfriend/girlfriend crap is sweet and well… with me going back to school… don't you want to make it official so no one else can scrap me up?" she lightly joked. "Don't you want to make me you're girlfriend?"

She didn't look at him when she said the last bit but heard his his soft sigh. "Lils…"

"Oh." She looked up at him and his arm that had originally been around her shoulder fell limp as he looked away, his face much to serious. "You and Sirius are doing the same thing, aren't you?"

He nodded but still wouldn't look her way again and Lily's heart plummeted.

"So if you guys are in the same predicament why is Sirius committing to Sienna but you can't commit to me?" Her voice growing smaller and Lily hated herself for it considering all the resolve she had come into the conversation. She literally could feel the cracks in her soul.

"It's different," he finally acquiesced.

"How is it any different? Actually you're right _it is_ different because we've known each other since we were eleven and loved each other twice as long," she insisted, hoping something in his eyes would yearn him forward, agree that he was acting irrationally and this was just a false impulse.

"Let's not talk about it here, okay? Let's just-"

"Not talk about what's going to happen in two days? You realize this is our second to last night together?"

His eyes told her everything, he knew exactly how much time they had together and something at the admission broke her. Somewhere deep down she convinced herself that he had lost track of time in their happiness bubble like her.

"Were you just planning to disappear? I wake up tomorrow and you not be there and me not even notice?"

He sat silent and Lily gulped and tried to remain prepared for her battle but something made her indefinitely uncomfortable at his stare, as if that was exactly what he had planned to do.

"James," she said at his continued muteness. "Are you just going to not say anything at all?"

His eyes flicked to the door and then back at her and though they were surrounded in a room full of people, she couldn't see or hear anything but her drumming heartbeat and James steadfast dark eyes staring into her own as if he was designing his escape. All her resolve leaked, the timid and broken girl from Hogwarts wept into her soul reminding her how horrible it was getting over James Potter.

"Right," she finally said and stood up. "If you aren't going to talk to me like an adult I'm going to leave."

He grabbed her arm firmly in his own but Lily refused to look at him this time. She didn't want to remember the horrid history of getting over James Potter, and that time he hadn't been so deeply wedged into her soul. So she avoided his gaze not wanting to be reminded how foolish she had been.

"Lily, don't do this."

She didn't answer but she didn't pull away either. Because leaving hurt but she knew being away was even worse. So she took a deep breath and continued to stare at the red brick wall in front of her instead of the darkening eyes that were looking at her with conflicting emotions.

"Lily, all I want to do is protect you."

"I can protect myself, thanks," she cracked.

"You have no idea what I do, it's dangerous and I want to keep you away from it."

She whipped her hair that slashed his face and glared at him. "You've told me that already so how about you elaborate."

"I can't."

Her eyes stilled and she looked up at the man she loved so confused on how she did this to herself again. Again! "I can't believe this. Let go, right now."

He did but he wouldn't allow her to pass. "Lily, please."

"Please what? Please don't break my heart again? No!" She barked and knew she caused a few stares. "You're doing this! You're doing it again! To me! I was so convinced that you weren't going to hurt me, that this was forever but its not and you played me like stupid fiddle. I'm so stupid. _Move_."

Tears infiltrated her eyes and spilled onto her cheeks as her voice cracked but James still wouldn't move and instead pulled her into his arms and hugged her tight to his chest. But she didn't hug him back because what was the point? He was going to leave and she was going to leave and they would both be heartbroken but James would rather be heartbroken then with her.

"Lily, you have to believe me-"

"I don't believe you," she said pushing him off her and staring blankly at him. "How could you do this to me if you had no intention of staying? You could have at least given me a choice… I probably would have said yes."

But it felt like they were at an impasse they would never cross and she felt so lost within her own body, staring into the eyes that only a few hours before had been glittering down at her with such happiness. What a fool she had been.

"I couldn't just let you go… I wanted to show both of us how we belong together!"

"How am I supposed to know that? I don't actually. Because you don't tell me anything. You would rather lose me then tell me anything." With a decision, she moved past him in surprise. "I'm not doing this."

She heard him huff in frustration as he pulled her back into his arms but she pushed him off and glared fiercely at him. What words did she have to say to him? How could he love her but not commit himself to her? Because she was willing, she was willing and put her entire life on pause if he so much as asked her!

"I'm not going to do this," Lily finally said. "We've known each other for years, James and if you want to be with me and share your life with me then you know who I am already. I can't convince you or hope for a miracle."

She walked with mission out the door and only when she felt the first fat drop of the rain onto her skin did she suddenly remember it was pouring outside. She turned around in the rain and started marching down the street to find a dark corner to Apparate from but before she could she heard a sloshing behind her and turned around with the wind to watch a furious James Potter storming towards her.

"It's not as simple as you think and I know it's not fair but I'm under oath."

She stayed mutinous even as the rain slammed around them. "James, the choices you decide to make are your own."

"Lily, the choice of being with you was the best I've ever made!"

He was breathless and looking at her desperately and with the rain falling between them all she wanted to do was fall into his arms but she refused to allow herself this. "That's not enough for me anymore."

"No."

"James," she said resiliently, looking him straight in the eye. "It's commitment or it's nothing."

"Lily, please," and he wrapped his arms around her body even as she struggled to pull away from him. "Every night I would be stuck in the rain and mud, left to sleep with only a pillow of grass. It was you I thought about. Every time."

"James."

"I love you, Lily. You have to know that after everything. I love you."

It was a broken violin the want and pull and tug. But James's hard stare, with his hair sticking to him, his glasses fogged, revealed everything she knew had been there all along. And she wanted to scream into the night. After all these years and here they were. But love wasn't enough. Again.

But James refused to come to the same acceptance, and his wet hands started moving over her body, as if checking to make sure she was real.

"James, stop," she whispered defeated.

"Please, Lily," he murmured desperately as he pulled her into his arms fully, their wet bodies flopping against each other as she started kissing her cheek, her neck, moving down her lifeless body. "Lily, please."

He brought her lips to his own, and before she could even consider what she was doing, she allowed herself to be ravished right there in the middle of the thunderstorm, getting wetter by the second but uncaring. There was no explaining soulmates.

"I love you so much," he murmured against her lips.

"Me too, James. I love you too," she said but she violently moved her head away from him and looked to the side. She refused to run blind any longer. "James, if you love me then you have be truthful because otherwise I can't do this. It's not fair to me."

But didn't she already know he wasn't going to tell her anything? He would rather leave her clueless and alone and broken than divulge anything because his precious secret was more precious then his relationship with her.

So she pushed past him and into the street, tears streaming steadily down her face as she considered her next move. She wrapped her hands around her stomach and squinted into the flashing leftover Christmas lights gulping a few breaths through the rain. Lily started making her way down the street as the Muggle traffic lights and bright lights flashed against her eyelids.

"LILY," the roar of the thunderstorm swept against her and she twisted around to stare at James marching through the current of people, his glasses splattered and his hair drenched, towards her.

And even though it was raining, and minus zero outside, and even though she was soaking wet and not even two seconds ago all hope had vanished, seeing his frantic face as he pushed through the crowd to get to her instantly soothed her. And when he was only a few strides away, she surged forward and she sprung into his arms and clutched him because he came after her. At least he came after her.

She found herself pressing her lips to his, wrapping her arms around his neck and his hands holding onto her for dear life knowing this was exactly where both of them belonged. And they continued to kiss like that for long minutes because even that short period of time were doubt existed it had been long enough.

James released her with a fractured sigh and moved his head to her neck before kissing her once more on the forehead and looking down at her. And even with the darkness surrounding them, and not to say the many bumping into them, Lily like home.

He grabbed her carefully and pulled her to the side of a building with less probing eyes and didn't even flinch when a clap of thunder erupted above them. James's long strides brought them towards an empty stretch of brick walls, and he leaned her against the roughness and kissed her passionately before looking intensely at her, smoothing her damp hair and cupping her cheeks.

"I'm in a secret society," he told her intently as rain continued to splash all around them. The velvety darkness ominous as Lily leaned against the scratchy wall and James's hands lowering to cushion her back. "It's called the Order of the Phoenix and it was founded by Dumbledore to fight Voldermort and his army. I wasn't in contact with you because we would be on missions in the middle of nowhere and we weren't allowed to be in contact with anyone."

"Missions?" Lily repeated in a soft voice. "What kind of missions?"

"Dangerous ones, Lily. That's why I've been trying to keep you out of it…reconnaissance, following Death Eaters, going undercover, gathering intelligence, hostage rescue…"

"Whose in it?"

"Me, Sirius, a bunch of people who used to go to Hogwarts. You met some of them at the Christmas party…"

"Marlene and those girls…" Lily trailed off and looked up at James for confirmation.

"How did… Dumbledore asked you to join when you were at Hogwarts?"

James nodded his head slowly, and Lily's teeth shattered brutally as she measured what she was hearing, and the fact that everyone she knew was in a deadly secret society, expect her.

"Why wasn't I asked to join?" Lily demanded to know. "I'm just as good, if not better at magic then any of you lot."

James seemed to want to smile but it squandered at the seriousness of the conversation and instead wrapped his hands tighter around her. "Lily, I don't know and I didn't ask why but I would prefer it that way."

Before she could even snap at his comment, he started kissing her ardently leaving her breathless, shivering from the unexpected heat and passion pouring out of him.

"I wouldn't be able to do any of it if I thought for a second you were in any kind of danger."

She didn't know what else to ask even though a million questions swirled in her thoughts. She nodded dumbly and her throat tightened as the rain poured down on like ice buckets. It all seemed too much for any young 18 year old to deal with. How was 18-year-old James Potter responsible for fighting off the darkness of others?

James tore off his glasses and looked down at her, bringing his hands to cup her wet cheeks. "Lily this goes without saying but you cannot tell anyone. We aren't supposed to be in a relationship with anyone or tell anyone anything if we aren't married to them."

Lily's astonished gaze pummeled into a whirl of confusion, unsure what James was declaring, petrified of what he was implying. He was going on missions, secret operations doing… "Are you safe?"

He nodded but Lily wasn't sure she believed him.

"Where does this leave us?"

"Lily," he chocked, "I meant what I said before. I love you more than anything, all I want is to keep you safe."

She swallowed and looked deep into his eyes. "You aren't answering my question. Do you want to be with me?"

"It's the only thing I've wanted for five years," he stated before bringing down his lips to her own. The kiss turned demanding, because Lily was desperate for him. His revelation bringing forth a new uncertainty that made her lean into his body and weep in pleasure as he picked her up, squeezing her butt as he lifted her from the floor and she wrapped her legs around his waist.

She had no answers from him, she realized as he grabbed fistfuls of drenched and tangled hair. But at that exact moment, the dizzying pleasure overtook her, a move she was sure James sought but she was burning for him, wildly.

"I want you," she rasped as she left scalding marks against his neck.

She heard him grown in agreement and Lily gripped his shoulder for support as he moved his large hands down her body as she was left pinned to the wall helpless rocking against him.

"James… Take me home."

He groaned against her neck, sucking it for a moment before turning his lips onto hers for a single kiss. She felt him Apparate before she realized it and found herself standing in the middle of her rented room still wrapped around him, his lips kissing her vulgarly and she kissing him back.

It was all she had, she knew. This, him, together. Because him bringing her back to her rented apartment, a place they had never made love in before, was verification. But she kissed him back deeply anyways. She was foolish, she knew that. But she couldn't stop herself even as her inner rational shrieked about the massive mistake she was making. But she tangled her fingers in his soaking hair, kissing him ardently as his hands moved down her body. His half lidded eyes taking her in and she slid down his drenched body as his hands moved up and down her goose bumped laced arms.

It was a mistake. But she couldn't help herself. And if anything she finally understood the real truth about love.

James lit a small floating fire that glowed throughout the room, and Lily watched him over the play on lights. He stood in front of her, and Lily lifted her arms as he slowly removed her shirt and dropping it with a clunk to the floor. He lifted his own hands and she copied his movements. They followed suit with their pants and undergarments. They were left standing bare in front of each other, and Lily couldn't help admire his naked body. This was a man.

He gathered her in his arms; her hardened nipples pressing roughly against his chest hair. "Are you still cold?" he whispered unevenly.

"A little," she replied, linking her arms around his neck.

He lifted her then, and she leaned her head against his shoulder as he carried her to the bathroom. He flicked his wand, dropping it onto the floor as the scalding water poured out of the shower leaving them in a steamed room as James set her down and pulled them both into the rush of water.

She gazed up in wonder as water once more spilled around them. Wrapped in each other's arms, the warmth seemed to shelter them from the unknown, shedding them from the cold, separation. Exiting meant talking about it again, and she was content to stay right there, under the water, with him, forever.

"Let me wash you," James said from behind her, and Lily shivered feeling his soft breath all the way to her toes. He turned her around without waiting for answer as he lapped his hands with soap, and she felt his entire back against her backside and instinctively started to rub against him.

"Lily," he said in a husky tone. "Let me," and he grabbed her hips in his hands and steadied her. She felt his soapy hands move unhurriedly over her shoulders, down her arms, massaging circulation back into her body. As his hands reached her arms, she lifted them behind her and wrapped them around his neck, leaving her wide open as he circled around her waist and pulled her tighter against him.

He left a small kiss on her shoulder and traced her breasts, cupping them with both his hands leaving Lily sighing as she felt his calloused fingers against her pink skin.

"You're all I think about. All those dark nights, I thought about your hair, your smile, just you, everything about you…" His gentle touch left her yearning and she turned her face upwards to meet his descending lips catching her in a powerful kiss that when he let go his eyes were so dark. "I'm always going to think of only you."

"Shhh," she sighed as he squeezed her breasts and she pulled him down for another kiss that left them both tingling everywhere. "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Promise, Lily," he whispered deep into their kiss as he twisted her nipples in his hand and left scalding kisses against her eyes, neck.

"Touch me, please," she yearned, quivering under his touch, his gaze.

"Promise me, Lily," he demanded as he continued his strong touch, his hands moving gradually down her body.

"I promise. I'll always promise you," she finally said and felt him sigh behind her as one of his soapy hands moved to the folds of her slick sex. He slid his finger slowly, petting her in tight circles that left Lily whimpering as the other hand continued to massage her breast.

"You feel good," he said into her shoulder and Lily let out a shuddering breath.

"You make me feel so good," she said, the cajoling of his tone varying from his serious eyes. She pushed herself further up and kissed him, feeling trapped by his body in a terrible ecstasy as his hands continued over her body leaving her moaning in his embrace.

Another finger entered as she started breathing more heavily and James massaged her clit with a fast ferocity as she pulled one of her arms from around his neck and brought his hand down to his hand against her clit and pushed them harder against his own. He slid his fingers faster and more deeply within her and removed them just for an instant before she felt him enter her from behind leaving her groaning hard. She was moaning louder as he slammed into her, her breath coming out in ragged tones and her hand against his neck she was sure to leave dark marks. He pushed in at just the right point that left her entire body convulsing and screaming out for him as she exploded into the pouring water, for him, only for him. James held her body close to his body to make sure he didn't fall over as he came too.

Lily turned rapidly around in his arms and kissed him zealously as his hand slipped out from between them and he gripped her waist in order to steady her but she ignored him completely as she pressed against him kissing him long and hard. She released him only when she ran out of breath, and with the combination of steam emerging from the shower and her orgasm tears sprung to her eyes as she gazed into James's.

"I love you," she whispered, laying her cheek against his chest.

He tightened his embrace and lifted her face to kiss her again but this time tenderly. He gathered her limp body out of the shower, drying her off first before carrying her to her pillowing bed. She felt warm in his embrace, knowing there wasn't another place she belonged. Why couldn't he see it that way?

He tucked her deep into the covers, the duvet willowing around her as he climbed in beside her. He scooped her across his chest and she lay against him quietly as he played with the ends of her hair. Lily heard the storm raging, the clap of thunder and the flame of lightening, the gush of wind, but she felt sated and small in James's embrace, his small fire remained glowing across the room.

"Lily," he finally said and rolled over so she was under him, her red hair fanning the pillow like a halo.

"Yeah?" she said softly.

"I'll love you forever."

She didn't respond because the tears welled up and she kissed him instead poignantly. They were forever, she knew they were forever; she could feel the forever with him.

* * *

Lily rolled over to still, empty sheets. She blinked slowly, before fully opening her eyes and staring into the white sheets and pillow beside her. The room was warm, the light after the storm overwhelming as she observed they had lift the curtains open. She slowly stretched her arms upwards, taking in her empty surroundings. She got up, pulling her robe around her and stared out the window to the other buildings mutely.

She heard, and then smelled, the sounds in the kitchen and her entire body sighed in relief: _he was in the kitchen_ and hurried out the door but stopping in her tracks when all she saw was a shirtless Sirius and Sienna making breakfast.

Sienna looked her way and grinned at her but Lily immediately noticed Sirius avoiding her gaze. "Hey girl! Want eggs?"

She opened her mouth and then closed it, her eyes narrowing on Sirius. "Have you guys seen, James?"

"Yeah, he left this morning," Sienna said flippantly, waving her wand over the eggs on the pan.

"He left? Did he say when he would be back?" Lily asked unconvinced as she made her way over to them, her heart pounding against her chest. He hadn't left, she repeated, he wouldn't leave her, not without saying goodbye, at the very least…

Sienna slowed her movements and stared at Lily unsure now. "Did something happen between you two?"

Lily's throat choked and decided not to say anything and looked over at Sirius instead. "Sirius…" she said softly, imploringly. "Where did James go?"

Sirius twisted his head to the side as if to look at anything but her but eventually gave up in the sad silence and sighed heavily. "Look, I told him he had to say something before he left but he insisted it would be easier this way."

Lily's heart was free falling now and she gripped the handle of the table. "What will be easier?"

"James went back early." His tone was somber, he voice resigned and Lily had never felt more blindsided. Last night had been… it had been raw, emotive, almost denouement. She had been so sure it had warranted a new possibility, more then leaving her alone the morning after. He had said forever…

"James left without saying goodbye?" she asked, and forced the tears back. How many tears could she cry over James Potter?

Sirius nodded. "Where did he go?" Lily ordered.

Sirius truly looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there and Lily actually did feel a bit bad but in the larger picture she decided to blame James. "Lils, I'm sorry… but even if I knew, I can't tell you."

"I know you have some mystery magical connection with him. Give it to me or tell me how to get in touch with him. He can't just leave without saying anything. I don't even know if we are together!"

"Sirius, what the fuck did he say to you this morning?" Sienna glared at her boyfriend, the eggs in midair.

"You talked to him this morning?" Lily snarled.

Sirius huffed before shaking his head. "Look, he went back to _school_ early that's all I know. And once anyone reports back, I can't know where they are until I get back."

"That coward," Lily breathed as if she was expelling fire before she took a deep breath and looking into Sirius's black eyes.

Sienna came to her side and put a comforting arm on her shoulder while maintaining a stony glance at Sirius. "Lily…"

Lily looked at his best friend, hopeful for one more chance. "Did he say if- if we were together?"

Sirius shook his head and swallowed harshly.

"Did he say anything about me?"

He moved forward but Lily moved away. "C'mon, Lils…"

She lifted up her hands in defeat. "I just want to be alone."

She moved back to her bedroom, laid down in her warm cotton sheets, the same one she just spent the night with James in. She rolled to the side he had slept on and inhaled the leftover scent.

She loved him and he had left her, not with a goodbye, not even with a clarification. He had said forever. What did that mean? How could he do this? How could he not say anything? How could he do this to her again?

 _Again. Again. Again. Again._

* * *

TBC

 _AN: I am so sorry about the delay! I got extremely sick in November and it just backed me tremendously. I'll try super hard for it not to happen again._


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